John Key has announced he is returning to Politics by standing in the electorate seat of Papakura.

In an early morning impromptu cafe press conference with Campaign Manager John Banks, Key said Judith Collins was a muppet who needed to take the rest of the year off.

“I’ve never rated her. She scares my wife. Christopher Luxon however, now there’s a leader. No one says white male privilege and Patriarchy forever quite like a wealthy CEO from a fringe evangelical church.”

Judith Collins, the current MP for Papakura said it was the first she was hearing of it and that Shane Reti wasn’t returning her calls.


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    • They may as well delist The National Party. Just put a 2 in front of there polling for the next 15 years. There recruitment sucks, training and mentoring sucks dick, retention. National have a rap sheet of serious criminal offending MPs, sexual deviants, dafuq. Boom!!!

      • I know, right? Treason is still a thing in NZ isn’t it? “To be hanged by the codger until he shows genuine remorse”, or some such. Meh. Let’s never have a John Key ground hog day parliament again, ever! Onwards n upwards kiwis 🙂

  1. Just realised April fools, what a nightmare if that was true! Can totally see him coming back though, so be careful what you joke about!

    • Yup – Key deciding to return to politics is pretty much enough on it’s own to win the next election for National . . for many he is some kind of messiah figure (including my in-laws).

  2. That’s no way to run a nation. They’re just taking the piss out of national party voters. What ever. So disrespectful towards natural justice, logic, reason.

  3. The “Pony puller in chief” is back! Lock up your daughters and off shore Trusts.

    “Oh, Happy, Happy Days” says life President of the J. Key Fan Club, and close confidant, Mike Hosking.

  4. But think of the great headlines that would ensue:

    “Pedo pony tail puller from Papakura causes Pandemonium in Parliament”

    • No mate. No one make the same fucking tactical mistakes from last fucking time, don’t bring his kids into it, or friends or business partners.

      John Key has already fucked himself and The National Party. Labour are now free to go ham on John Keys record.

      Meats back on the menu team.

  5. Ba ha ! Brilliant. But please tell my anal sphincter about April fools day. My bum only reads the headlines so now it’s gone in to hiding.

  6. Lets hope this is a sick joke, why? cause Mr brighter future walked away, now does he want back in. We don’t need him he already did a lot of damage and left a f….n mess for someone else to clean up.

  7. Meanwhile big Gerry swings behind the Ponytailmeister after previously swinging behind Dame Oravidagate, Two Indians no Bridges and it wasn’t meant to be Muller. Homelessman Woodhouse said he would support and say anything just to be recognized.
    Benefit Pulla makes a return to find massive amounts of meth houses selling for over a million each as well as Let us reJoyce whom has finally dug himself out of his imaginary hole.

    • Oh yeah. A joke huh?

      How about we go The Full DC Joker.

      Mateee. This ain’t high school. We grown. We walk around with no leash on. Y’all going to make John Key apologies. John Key is the perfect target. Can’t you see?

      • It’s yet to be seen whether or not the economics deminsion of politics could defeat Jacinda Mania. Jacinda is deep into New Zealand history, The motherhood, The Premiership, the blending of maori and non maori flavours. John Key literally produced shit stained walls.

  8. Bit lame to be honest… it’s not as if Key would ever talk about “white male privilege”, he would no doubt deny that it’s even a thing.

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