Todd Muller’s first press conference sees him devoured by the lava of Mt Doom

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Todd Muller on winning National Leadership

Alpha CEO clad in Lycra ambition, Todd Muller’s unusual excitement at winning his long coveted dream to usurp the  democratic process by House of Cards machinations and rule forever got off to a rocky start as he accidentally tripped and fell into the lava chamber of Mt Doom.

All National Party Leadership spills have traditionally been held in Mordor and Todd’s was no different, but the moment he had the leadership he started madly dancing around on the lip of the Wellington volcano screaming, ‘My precious, my precious’.

He is said to have accidentally tripped on Matthew Hooton’s tongue and fallen back first into Mt Doom’s famously hot liquid magma.

As he fell under 30%, he spluttered something about beating Jacinda in September and thanked the Father, the Son and the Holy Farmer for his win.

His last gasp before being swallowed by a river of golden basalt slag was, “I even wrote a book as a 10-year-old that saw me elected vice president, become president upon the very unfortunate death of the then-president and then go on to serve 13 consecutive terms.”

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Todd Muller is survived by his ego.

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32 COMMENTS

  1. “As he fell under 30%, he spluttered something about beating Jacinda in September and thanked the Father, the Son and the Holy Farmer for his win”.

    Well done Martyn.

    Yes I do think Todd Muller is a ‘short term placeholder’ Martyn, just to make way for ex PM Key’s chosen man waiting in the wings; as St. John Key has already anointed Christopher Luxon as the PM-elect, so Luxon now only needs to get into Parliament and that’s why Muller is the ‘short-term place-holder’.

  2. Can’t do any worse than Bridges. Maybe a Luxton-lite when it comes to business experience but CEO and senior management experience will have business leaders taking him seriously and an apprenticeship in PM Bolger’s office (which sounds like ancient history) both count in his favour.
    His already announced tactic of attacking Labours 17 empty chairs means that this government will have to take him very seriously

  3. Todd who…..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    Even then kids story about wanting to be PM sounds like a rewrite of Key’s boyhood PM dream.

    Todd whats-his-name is like a clone of Key’s ideas in the body of Brash’s crypt re-appearance.

    But wait, the cloned DNA is getting more and more compromised, and the retold personal leader stories more muddled, like someone messed up the script.

    It’s kinda a grey reused script in a tired grey body.

    Wake me up when the dirty politics come out, which will probably when they open the border cos Natz are too grey and unimaginative to plan their own dirty work and like most socially reprehensible things in NZ, need to import it in, from some other right wing puppet leader campaign organisers funded by other countries and big business interests, around the world.

    • They will be opening more than the borders with TPP 2.0. It will not only be New Zealand’s environment they will mine, and rape but our bodies. All peoples who have been placed on benefit will be subject to a compulsory injection funded by the department of the defense, USA, as a test population. This is their mission statement. So please WAKE UP!

    • The thing we’ve got to look out for is if treasury messed up its forcasts. They’ve got 8% unemployment and some people including me think 20% by September. 12% is a lot of jobs to keep on life support.

    • People don’t like volatile change, they will stay with this govt after this September election, and the election after that.

      Many will remember this govt as one who acted for the benefit of the people, others will criticize, but I think most would not dare put their faith in a new , untried leader of a divided party in these times. This affords this govt to draw up increasing measures to cope with the new crisis, – that of a potentially severe global economic downturn.

      During the global credit crunch of 2008, people in NZ foolishly put their faith in a individual whose background was of Wall St and the FOREX markets, – and who was parachuted in by National after a long time in opposition. That individual and his destructive neo liberal ideology ( and efforts to privatize as much as he could ram through ) left this country in an incredibly downgraded mess, – including our health system.

      We were very lucky we escaped a bullet with the intervention of this govt.

      Because if it hadn’t, many lives could have been lost. So now , along withe economy , – there also needs to be serious attempts at rebuilding our dilapidated infrastructure. And that’s going to take a fair dose of Keynesian thinking to do it. Once this govt throws of the weak challenge that the National party will offer come September, the above issues most certainly will / need to be worked on.

      I cannot see a serious threat coming from National for quite some time.

    • Agreed. Behind the thin veil of Jacinda, this government is incompetence personified, and everyone knows it. Like Morrison, Trump and Boris, this rally around the flag polling wont last. I hope the left is prepared for a fight.

      • But the fight will be one sided…might as well switch channels and watch yet another cooking program.

        Face it , no matter what kind of smiling mask Muller and Kaye try to put on , underneath is the real face of The Joker, and people will run from them in September.

      • The reason we have a Labour lead Government was because of National arrogance personified. They were so 80’s. And therefore they were so incompetent, now at 29% everyone knows it!

  4. He has political experience and has reasonably sound business leadership experience. He is going to resonate well with National supporters. His already indicated tactic of attacking the ’17 empty chairs’ in the Labour cabinet is a clever one. Not to be under estimated

    • Peter;

      25 empty seats and heads in ‘National’ plus a Chinese Government spy—-that’s a fun result when counting heads???????

      Labour wont be worried with that score silly.

  5. I do love your vivid script writing Bomber. Bloody funny m’kaye.
    There’s our new slogan: Todd and Nikki will make NZ M’kaye again (apologies to Southpark m’kaye).

  6. It fascinates me how many of the commentators seem to despise National voters but claim to know what is going on in the party behind the scenes. I am also interested at the claim to not be racist or bias then remark Todd is a white catholic ex businessman as though that is a problem and make him less worthy.

    • …’ I am also interested at the claim to not be racist or bias then remark Todd is a white catholic ex businessman as though that is a problem and make him less worthy ‘…

      Yes, I have no problem with him being who he is and his personal faith beliefs, it is irrelevant (to me anyway).

      However, I think we have a fair idea what is / has just happened / ‘what is going on in the party behind the scenes’.

      They have polled twice in a row indicative of an unpopular party, which is divided, ( despite the new leadership ) and that does not have sufficient policy’s four months out from a general election, – and in which a new untried leader is going up against an incumbent who also happens to be one of the most popular leaders / PMs this country has ever known.

      • it could be history repeating itself if we go back to Jacinda’s rise and Labour victory . I have no personnal knowledge of Todd so will see how he performs under pressure .It will be a difficult job to go up against Jacinda but if it were me I would hoe in o n the poor performing ministers that back her

    • Mr Muller is a born to rule tory, conservative with religious affiliation. He does not present as inclusive or particularly tolerant. 21st Century people, women in particular, will make their minds up on that angle. But really, he ultimately represents international and local finance capital first and foremost, like every other NZ National Party leader since their founding in the 1930s.

      Todd will be carpet bombed online as the National spinners develop his backstory–like our previous glorious ex leader–“donated his salary to charities” except he didn’t of course.

    • I don’t despise National voters, Trev. Don’t understand them, perhaps. Find it sad and disappointing that they continually feel compelled to vote for a party that has elevated selfishness, beneficiary bashing, flogging off everything that isn’t nailed down, and looking after the big end of town at the expense of everyone else to a religion, definitely. But despise? No. Pity, more like. Their ambition for this country seems sadly lacking.

  7. ‘Creeping slowly under question time’ during channel three’s “Nation” today showed Mr Muller was not a clear speaker as much as his carefully prepared speech was yesterday.
    https://www.newshub.co.nz/home/politics/2020/05/todd-muller-to-take-on-small-business-portfolio-if-elected-prime-minister.html
    As many have said before, ‘it would need to be a well spoken leader that National needs’ – and this was not shown in Mr Muller’s muddled performance under the spotlight on News hub’s Nation’ today 23/5/20.

  8. I actually welcome Todd and Nikki to the fray. The promise to NZ is no more barking at cars so, I imagine, that David Seymour will be left to run that side of things in the interim. If National come out with some rational policy that doesn’t include banning slushies, regulation bonfires and strikeforce raptor NZ will be the better for it. I am a Labour supporter but I’m a little frustrated by the Media portrayal of St Jacinda, even if it is mostly overseas media being quoted by the local media. Everything is in a state of flux until, domestically at least, covid 19 no longer exists in NZ. If Labour is doing the planning now, great. If it is still wait and see. Not great. I’m a self employed tradesman and every site I go to, I’m asked if my industry is shedding workers. Everyone is worried for their jobs and rightly so. I don’t know what to do about the tourist industry. Give them money? Buy their businesses and mothball them (or some of them)? Let them take the fall for a market adjustment? None are palatable.Construction and trades will require work ready projects. Apprenticeships supply cheap unskilled labour that can be trained on the job while soaking up low skill site jobs and freeing tradesmen to do the more important stuff. To me, this may have to be govt led rather than relying on private enterprise who will be siphoning off profit. Goldsmith has said that govt jobs are non productive. I think he needs to see all the infrastructure built by the govt last century. The rebuild will not be easy, but I would rather an opposition with ideas rather than one that says ‘you’re not doing it right’. Bring on the competition of ideas.

  9. Todd Whatshisname and Nikki the Knife present as a desperate mashup.
    The Nuttional Party couldn’t have picked a worse combo to placehold for their preordained post-election leadership combo of Luxon + sidekick.

    Todd comes across as Bull Inglish on downers.
    This was a panicked response by useless Nuttional MP’s fear of losing their position at the trough.
    Nothing more.
    *popcorn*

  10. As far as I can see Todd Muller has background and electoral support from the agricultural sector. At the best of times the general public wont vote for a farmer and that community is especially disliked now. If he starts throwing money at the farming community he stands no chance of winning an a election.

  11. He actually seemed better than I thought he would (only watched half though). I expect Hooten, and others have been doing some intensive coaching. What is that pink tie about?

  12. I’m so thankful for our modern Right, with the MMP and our fellow-feeling from 1935 up their ast. You can see Murdoch’s creatures up close, mitigated in Oz by their feeling for not being pushed off their nests for abstractions that fill the rich’s pockets.

  13. I don’t know, but somehow seeing another middle aged man in the leadership role of National with a woman trailing silently behind him…made them look at lot like 1950’s NZ after seeing Jacinda’s vibrant leadership style. I guess people over 70 might feel at home with that but I dunno about the rest of us.

  14. So Todd reckons Kiwis will vote for the party with the best policies.
    Well NATCCP had better get on with it then. They haven’t had any since 2008

    • National have had very clear policies for decades:

      1. Encourage the looting and polluting of the commons by corporations and opportunists, and declare the intention to make the looting and polluting of the commons easier by ‘cutting red tape’.

      2. Encourage the transfer of wealth from those who have little to those who have far too much via tax cuts for the wealthy and transfer of costs to the general populace through cuts to funding of community services and disestablishment or privatization of environmental and social welfare programmes.

      3. Enact legislation to remove community welfare from legal requirements of district and regional councils as per the amendment to the Local Government Act of 2002 and replacement by the Local Government Act 2012. Yes, National actually did that!!! -removed the welfare aspects of legislation, thereby sanctioning degradation of the environment and construction of entirely inappropriate ‘infrastructure’ by councils! Of course the vast majority of the populace are totally unaware, which is just the way National like it.

      3. Present faux narratives to the populace and blatantly lie about practically everything they do or plan.

      4. Ensure there is no debate (public or within the party) on any of the key issues of the times we live in -Planetary Meltdown* and rapidly worsening energy predicament, ocean acidification, loss of biodiversity etc.- via rigged agendas and censorship .

      5. Provide opportunities for scientifically-illiterate and economically-illiterate deadbeats and exploiters to acquire wealth at the expense of the populace via cronyism and political appointment.

      6. Render the Earth uninhabitable for humans as quickly as possible via promotion of archaic thinking and anti-environmental policies geared to maintaining or increasing emissions of greenhouse gases (both locally and globally).

      *’It Hit 80 Degrees In The Arctic This Week’

      ‘This story will provide important context for the headline, and I encourage you to read it—but really, the headline tells you what you need to know: It was 80 degrees Fahrenheit above the Arctic Circle this week.

      A little farther south, in Siberia—you know, the region of world we reference when we want to connote something cold—it was 86 degrees Fahrenheit. Arctic sea ice in the neighbouring Kara Sea took the deepest May nose dive ever recorded. Oh, and random swaths of the region are on fire. Things are extremely wrong.

      Let’s start with the heat above Arctic Circle. Mika Rantanen, a researcher at the Finnish Meteorological Institute, flagged a map showing blistering heat across western Siberia. The region has been the epicentre of an explosive heat wave that has rippled across the Arctic this week. Models forecast temperatures there will be as much as 36 degrees Fahrenheit above normal for this time of year. The heat could break a bit by the middle of next week, but widespread warmth will continue to grip the region.’

      https://www.gizmodo.com.au/2020/05/it-hit-80-degrees-in-the-arctic-this-week/

  15. Was left scratching my head as to why National would promote this guy’s background as a former Fonterra executive. Is he really trying to secure the farmers’ vote, given they’re non-too-thrilled about this greedy corporate monopoly that’s been fleecing their livelihoods?

    Just another privileged, rich, old, white guy that just like Simon, can’t read the room.

  16. I thought one of the most telling things so far was that marketing interview with Muller in his old office with the Trump make America great again caps on display.

    Might be a clue on who he holds in high regard and the tactics his beloved American Republican colleagues and their pay masters indulge in.

    Just a fascination with American politics doesn’t cut ice with me.

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