Christopher Luxon, David Seymour and Winston Peters walk into a bar.

The Barman looks up and says, “What its this? A joke?”

After 40 days and 40 nights wandering in the wilderness, the most awkward political threesome in NZ has finally managed to finalise their pissing competition to sign a coalition Government deal.

This Hard Right Racist Government is a buffet of dead rats that has been concocted by a toxic brew of Boomer grievances, redneck ignorance and vested corporate interests.

This Government has all the charm of a road accident involving baby lambs.

The naked venality of what is being proposed by taking from the poor to give to the rich is  the final vandalism of New Zealand Egalitarianism.

God defend NZ, because the voters sure as fuck didn’t.

There are of course political winners and political losers.

 

WINNERS:

Judith Collins – Wait – what – Judith Collins as the Attorney General Minister AND Minister of GCSB and NZSIS???

Jesus fucking wept! No one as ruthless, dangerous and manipulative as Judith Collins should ever be allowed anywhere near the Intelligence Apparatus! It’s like giving an arsonist a flame thrower and a subscription to Burn Porn! She is the most unsuited human being for that level of power and if ANYTHING keeps you up at night, it should be Judith Collins as the Minister for Spooks!

I heavily criticised Andrew Little for quitting and allowing all of the reform and expansion of the Intelligence Agencies to have so little check and balance by arguing he had left all the moving parts for a Police State to be assembled by whoever took the job under National.

THAT PERSON IS JUDITH COLLINS!

She is an utterly inappropriate person with a long history of abusing power to be handed so much power.

That Judith Collins will now be the Master of Spies should scare the shit out of everyone.

Winston Peters – The suave silver fox of NZ politics has conned his way back into the hen house by appealing directly to the feral antivaxx lunatic fringe and climate denier electorate and it’s been just enough to hold the country to ransom for his list of petty culture war bullshit. Minister of Pork Barrels Shane Jones gets his $1.2billion slush fund and Winston gets Foreign Minister perks and is also the Racing Minister, an industry endlessly donating to NZ First. NZ First is like a bad case of chlamydia that never goes away.  The best part of Winston being the new Foreign Minister? He is now Trevor Mallards Boss, the same Trevor Mallard who attempted to trespass Winston from Parliament.

 

Culture War Boomers – The Culture war Boomers will be thrilled their God Winston is back. Hilariously Jacinda saved 20 000 of them from early deaths with the covid lock down and they have rewarded her by voting for Winston. NZ First is little more than a list of Boomer grievances handed out before the early bird dinner meal discount at Cobb and Co.

Feral Antivaxxers – They get a grandstanding inquiry into their hurt feelings and will attempt to shit on everyone’s collective Covid sacrifice to inject quack science and hollow fringe arguments. Will probably end up arguing public health can be closed down if every citizen gets a healing crystal.

Redneck racists – Will be joyful that NZ First and ACT intend to purge all Government legislation of any reference to Māori and co-governance. It will be the largest razing of culture since the burning of the Library in Alexandria.

Spooks – No one reeks more of being a spook than ex cop, former corporate lobbyist and antiMāori campaigner than Casey Costello. She is the Deep State’s representative in Parliament. Watch her like a hawk.

David Seymour – Went from the 3rd largest party to the 4th largest. Used the culture war ammunition the woke handed to him more effectively than anyone and is currently mutating from fringe politician who pulls desperate political stunts for attention to implement racist policy to a sober warrior poet statesman who has pulled desperate political stunts for attention to implement racist policy. Great transition. Will get to amputate the State for right wing performative art purposes.

 

Gun Lobby – Can’t believe their luck that submachine guns will once again be able to get into as many hands as possible.

Privatisation Agenda – Every consultant wanting less regulation and more juicy public private contracts are rejoicing at this win. We can already see anyone who donated to National are now in a conga line for a tsunami of crony capitalism the likes of which we’ve never seen before.

…National’s conflicts of interest are about to make all Labour’s collective sins look like child’s play. We will yearn for the day Stuart Nash sent Cabinet briefings as the highest point of ethical standards in comparison.

 

Landlords – Get their tax loop holes and right to throw tenants onto the street. No more state housing builds means more desperation in the housing market.

Tobacco Lobby – Unbelievably the Tobacco Industry gets a reprieve from Smoke Free 2025 in an outrageous abuse of public health!

 

Corporate Farmers – The corporate farmers win again! After rigging the entire political system to empower them and their profit margins no matter the cost to our environment or  geopolitical safety, the corporate farmers have managed to put off doing anything meaningful on emissions for another fucking 5 years! When you consider Helen Clark first called for emission reductions in 2003,  Corporate Farmers have managed to prevent any changes for 25 years now! That is an incredible feat of political manipulation and fuckwittery. All hail the Golden Cow we slavishly worship in NZ! Remember, whatever the problem, the NZ solution is MORE COWS!

Bank Oligopoly and Supermarket Duopoly – The powerful who shape our under regulated capitalism are safe because National builds monopolies, they don’t break them. ACT and National want to gut MBIE who are the only Department that polices our under regulated capitalism so the rich win. Again.

Para-military policing – The need to make some stupid symbolic gesture against da gangs will require a level of para-military policing that will quickly fuck up and make things immeasurably worse. Banning gang patches is such. basic bitch idea that won’t stop any crime whatsoever.

Karen Chhour – That a former ward of the State who was abused while under State Care will now have some oversight on our damaged child care services is a moment to salute no matter the political background. We should all wish Karen luck in trying to force our system to not damage the very children they are supposed to protect.

Homebake meth industry – ACT have decided to give the homemake meth industry a boost by allowing the precursor drug for meth to be sold over the counter. You can’t say ACT don’t support small business owners.

 

Mike King getting $6m for his I am Hope trust:

Mike is hated by the Wellington Bureaucracy for highlighting their incompetence and making them look like the callous wankers they are.

Mike is offering counselling services at a fraction of the price that the Wellington Bureaucracy offers and because he’s done such an excellent job of exposing their vested interests, he was never going to ever receive any money for his proposals under Labour because Labour were gutless cowards who had no capacity to force the Wellington Bureaucracy to engage meaningfully with Mike because they are too frightened to bring tasers to the sensitive parts of the Wellington Bureaucracy to compel them to be transformative!

 

LOSERS:

Christopher Luxon – Like his hero Jesus, Luxon has allowed himself to be ritualistically humiliated and crucified by Winston so that he could return from the dead to form a Government. He looks like a frightened virgin at an orgy. His tactics during the negotiating process were deeply flawed and he is clearly out of his depth. Luxon was supposed to be the great deal maker. The internal rage within National’s High Command at how he has mishandled the entire negotiation process has opened enormous private concerns about his ability to do the job, indeed the only reason Winston and David are 100% certain they are signing up to this is because they’ve witnessed Luxon’s incompetence first hand and know they can run rings around him and get more by exploiting him than they ever dreamed possible. Possibly the weakest National Party Leader ever in NZ history.

 

Labour, Greens, Māori Party and the Political Left – Have all been collectively whipped and destroyed. Have blogged on what they need to do now here.

 

Woke Middle Class Identity Activists – After handing so much culture war ammunition to the Right, our woke middle class identity activists literally drove male voters into the arms of the political right. In woke Wellington world, ALL white men are irredeemable cross burning racists, B-E-L-I-E-V-E ALL women that ALL men are rapists and anyone defending free speech is a uniform wearing Nazi who hates the trans community. Turns out that identity politics mentality alienates rather than brings together. ‘Pure Trans Joy’ probably helped cost us the election. Well done wokies. Well done.

 

Climate Change – National/ACT/NZ First are a climate denial Government who will do all they can to allow polluters to do what they want to keep profiting from their pollution. The planet will burn while Luxon makes loves to a cow, the planet will boil while David Seymour decries climate alarmism and the planet will melt as Winston mumbles about gambling and cigarette taxes. We are fucked on the climate change front for a full 3 years until these lunatics get thrown out.

Māori – Are about to become a political punching bag for 3 years as NZ First and ACT legislate a new Treaty and remove any mention of co-governance or the Treaty in all NZ legislation. This will set race relations back 183 years.

 

Beneficiaries – No one ever lost votes bashing beneficiaries and when National wasn’t blowing the real estate industry, they were bashing beneficiaries. All the punitive measures about to be launched against our sickest and weakest will be the blueprint adopted to privatise welfare. Outside agencies will be paid a bonus when shifting beneficiaries off the list and that can be done two ways, 1) if you find them a job or 2) – you cut them off for some bullshit infraction on their ridiculous work ready conditions. Expect an enormous suffering to come out of this.

Drug addicts and disabled – Not content to bash beneficiaries, ACT wanted to target drug addicts and the disabled as well and have promised terrible retribution for their ‘welfare fraud’. White collar criminals who take billions each year however will receive a free pass.

Renters with Pets – Weird policy win for ACT that now forces renters with pets to pay a pet bond. Renters don’t have enough to pay for the rents, where the hell they find the extra money for a pet bond is beyond me. Why punish renters with pets? Even for ACT this feels nasty.

 

Public Services – When Winston kills off National’s lifting of the foreign buyers ban, National’s entire economic house of cards collapses requiring mass public service cut backs, which will be funny because even if Winston greens lights it, it can never raise enough revenue to prevent National from slashing public services.

Public Transport – National will mutilate public transport just as oil prices are about to skyrocket due to the looming war in the Middle East.

Workers – Bosses to gain back the right to fire and scrap the Fair Pay Agreements which were the most substantial workers rights legislation passed in the last 40 years.

Renters – Landlords to gain the right to evict, social housing builds will stop and Landlords will gain enormous powers as rental regulations are all rolled back.

Children in poverty – Officially the position now is, ‘Fuck em’.

Prisoners – Are about to have their underfunded, corrupt and violent prisons jammed full to the point of prison riot with zero rehabilitation whatsoever. Expect ACT to call for private prisons.

 

New Zealand – Ultimately the biggest losers are New Zealand. NONE of ACT’s, Nationals or NZ First policy will provide well thought out consequences.

This wasn’t an election, it was a grudge fuck!

With a 78.4% turnout, so it was lower than 2017 when Labour barely won.

That’s over a million who could have voted but didn’t.

That’s a heavy rejection of the options presented.

An embittered and angry electorate wanted to hurt Labour and voted accordingly, Labour didn’t help by being hopelessly incompetent.  The poorest amongst us will fund a tax cut to rich landlords while the most vulnerable from beneficiaries, state house tenants, prisoners, drug addicts, the working classes and the disabled are all going to face insufferable and punitive sanctions.

A National/ACT/NZ First Government will only serve to compound counter productive policy that will deform, punish and mutate those stereotypes the Right despise and used to whip up the worst angels of our nature.

We are a poorer people for this Government.

 

PREDICTIONS:

This election wasn’t won, it was bought by private interests manipulating your anger at post Covid bitterness.

I’m not pissed that the Right won, that’s democracy, I’m pissed they won with such vapid and venal policy!

This knee jerk crap alongside counterproductive punitive measures alongside Real Estate Lobbyist wet dreams combine to vandalize the Egalitarian State

Taking from the poor to give to the rich ain’t my bag baby and we are a collectively worse nation for this outcome

The only thing that warms the cynical black splinter of what is left of my heart is the thought of Winston, Seymour and Luxon all having to work together.

If that’s ‘winning’, losing don’t feel so bad

If this Government were a fable, it would be a scorpion riding on a fox’s face sitting in the open jaws of a great white shark.

If you think this arranged marriage of inconvenience can last 3 years, you also believe in National’s rock solid foreign buyers tax revenue numbers and think climate change is a hoax!

Luxon claimed Māori, Labour and Greens were the ‘coalition of chaos’, well, here’s their  ‘Alliance of Arseholes’.

This Government has formed because the election was a grudge fuck against Labour, all that binds them is a shared glee to beat the bejesus out of beneficiaries, prisoners and gang members. This is the worst of us as a country congealed in a venal self interest that would make your average drug cartel blush.

We now can see the full hard right racist agenda of this Government and the obscene direction they intend to take for their political donors.

This fight against the most right Government ever elected will demand a level of resistance that crosses into civil disobedience because it will require mass civil disobedience protests to fight this Government’s hard right racist agenda.

They will be a dreadful Government for a dreadful people.

This is what we is now. This is us.

Old Zealand wins. New Zealand loses.

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