Star Bores – The Franchise Awakens: Film review by Comrade Marx (trigger warning – spoilers)


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Buckle yourself in as every product known to humanity attempts to find some connection with Star Wars in the opening 25 minutes (YES – 25 bloody minutes) of cinema advertising before you even think about hearing those stirring trumpets and crashing brass.

There’s an advert for the Star Dome Observatory. Thought that was cute.

There’s an advert for a car with a bad Darth Vader impression talking about this car being the most powerful in the galaxy. I don’t drive so I view car adverts as idiot catchers. This looks like it would catch a lot of idiots.

There’s more corporates desperately grasping a cinema audience for the first time in a decade. They come across like a 50 year old divorcee on their first first.

I refuse to pay attention to the adverts on philosophical grounds.

First trailer is for Zoolander 2. Not one laugh in the entire cinema. Not one.

Superman vs Batman trailer looks grim. A pathological Corporate vigilante who is an active member of the Military Industrial Complex goes up against the American sense of manifest destiny in a cape. Only in America could the majority actively view their sense of national identity as God like.

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The trailer for the Captain America film has the Marvel version of Batman, military complex industrialist IronMan, attacking Captain America and his sense of irrational Democratic Party policy styled morality. Tony Stark is a privatisation vulture fund kind of guy. Here’s to them both killing each other as Dr Doom sings the Star Spangled Banner from Beijing.

FINALLY. The movie.

In a galaxy far, far away, but not too far for Disney, Rebel Leader Princess Leia has become a space version of Patti Hearst as she leads her Symbionese Liberation Army against the corporate trust fund that has emerged from the 30 year old market meltdown of the Death Star and demise of former CEO ‘Mr Emperor’. The fanatical First Order, like armed One Direction fans, have consolidated the remaining assets of the Empire into building a massive Mega Death Star that is a hollowed out planet that can destroy planets anywhere in the Galaxy.

Leia leads a gender and species fluid, non-hierarchical, vegan matriarchy who need to be asked some hard questions on the intel front. How over a 30 year period did no one from the Resistance Military Intelligence division notice a hugely well resourced splinter group of the Empire hollowing out a planet and poking a bloody great gun through it? Shouldn’t that have been passed over to Leia’s Chief of Staff for a gander?

“What does it look like Mr Fishface guy”

“A bloody great big gun General Leia”

That can’t have been a long discussion right? I really think there needs to be an inquiry into that.

Luke is still emo and has gone off on a big sulk after Leia and Han’s son had a Breaking Bad bender on the dark side of the force and butchered a lot of people. Kylo Ren is having some grand-daddy issues with Darth Vader but has kept up the family’s BDSM dress sense complete with a pretty impractical lightsaber feature that has fizzing laser cross bars which must make insurance a nightmare.

A stormtrooper, FiN, decides that the paramilitary death squad thing isn’t for him after one too many civilian massacres and helps some Beta Solo pilot who has been renditioned and water boarded by Kylo Ren to escape. Ren wants Beta Solo in stress positions to get the directions for where Luke is holidaying at.

Crash landing Beta Solo disappears, FiN walks off and turns up in same set for Tatooine and meets Rey, the space hunger games character with a staff instead of a bow and arrow.

There’s a rolling robot too. When BB-8 meets RD-D2 – it’s like an i-Phone saying hello to a walkman.

Han Solo and Leia have had the shock all liberal elite parents suffer when they realise their son Kylo Ren has become a Republican.

Kylo serves Gollum and works alongside libertarian sadist General Hux who creates a lot of office tension with all the office politics he plays.

Mega Death Star destroys the environment and eco-system of 5 planets at once with something that looks like a Fox News transmission beam on meth and General Hux announces Leia’s planet is next on the chopping block.

Cue a desperate search for a weak spot on the Mega Death Star and lo and behold, there just happens to be one such weak spot.

Personally if I were a taxpayer in the Empire, I’d be doing my nut at the local party rep about why our military had spent building a massive weapon that has one great big Achilles heal like ‘knock the generator out’ kind of workmanship. Who the bloody hell built it? Halliburton? Is it some kick back arrangement? We build a mega death star over 30 years and no one learns a thing from the destruction of the first death star? Who is going to pay for this fiasco? Are rates likely to go up over this?

Han dies after he confronts Kylo and finds out that his son is voting Trump.

The special effects budget have been spent on making Luke, Leia and Han look passable as leads to a selfie-generation which would explain why all the puppets look clunky and cheap.

The proletariat have been let down by petty-bougious union officials who managed to miss a planet getting hollowed out over 30 years while the military industrialists on the right are sabotaged by poor regulatory oversight on the building of weapons of mass destruction using a lowest cost private contractor.

3 stars



  1. This is incredibly juvenile and a sad attempt at humour. If this tedious ramble has a point to it please be more specific.

  2. The military-industrial way of life isn’t having any success on Earth, and we now know that space travel is impossible, so that only leaves digital screens and projected images as the only mediums for the military-industrial to pretend it can be successful.

    The financial system, on the other hand, will have considerable success sucking digital fiat money out of the bank accounts of the uninformed and easily-amused masses and into the coffers of corporations -the real purpose of all this nonsense, of course.

  3. Well, that was hilarious ! Perfect, damp, grey-Sunday pre Scream Season read to jolt us back to reality. And then frankly ? Reality sucks. So, gee thanks on second thoughts.
    I want a fizzing light sabre ? The hedge does need doing.

    And as with Penthouse Magazine of some years ago? I only bought it for the pictures.

  4. I enjoyed the movie. I couldn’t even read this review. I don’t mind critical reviews but this one was trying too hard to be clever and became tedious.

    • Glad I wasn’t the only one. It’s a clumsy Marxist allegory (presumably written by an overconfident undergraduate) but to what end? What was the point? Star Was has many dedicated fans of a left-leaning persuasion and the consensus among intelligent viewers is that it’s a pretty good film, if not necessarily superior to its antecedents. For a left wing blog I thought the very interesting (female) central character might have been a more apt starting point for discussion.

  5. All that time and money and all they managed to produce was a copy of the the first SW movie (now Ep IV). But this time they don’t really even focus on blowing up the much bigger Death Planet and luckily a small group of X-wings can do the job in a fraction of the time. The Droids are carrying a map again, but instead of useful plans of the DP it’s about Luke – who isn’t helping at all!

    This movie was BS. I suppose the next one will be called “Revenge of the First Order” and then we’ll get “The Force Re-Awakens”. And so it goes on…

    Come on people, Marvel, DC and Star Wars worlds are becoming all the entertainment fodder that we can digest with endless spinoffs. As the real world gets increasingly messy they are creating artificial worlds that are increasingly complex – to make a shitload of money and to distract us.

  6. IMO they should have left Han Solo’s death and the revelation about Kylo Ren’s true identity until the second film.

    And they should have had Luke Skywalker as Kylo Ren (or at least as his mentor).

  7. Star Wars 1 retreaded. The Forced Return

    Masked caped villain; Darth Vader > Kylo Ren

    Ultimate weapon; Death Star > Mega-Death Star

    Old ex warrior now reclusive hermit; Obiwan Kenobi > Luke Skywalker

    Feisty female heroine; Princess Leia > Rey

    Quirky Droid; R2D2 > BB-8

    Doomed goody mentor done in by treacherous apprentice/son; Obiwan Kenobi > Han Solo

    Reluctant hero; Han Solo > Fin

    Box office success Ka Ching

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