The Bitchelor Episode 4 Tainted Love: One Woman’s Reflux

By   /   March 25, 2015  /   13 Comments

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This week must have been balance the budget week because the date is at the zoo where the ladies get to compete at cleaning up after the captive animals. The bloody zoo. Oh hooray. Can this show get any worse? Let’s look at the captive animals exploited daily for your pleasure. Yes dear reader, the irony is apparent.

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#DoucheDate #TheBachelorNZ #TheBitchelor

OMG! OMG! OMG! How exciting was that? It seems just like last night I was glued to my screen and unable to look away. What a suburb example of the very best of mankind. The physique, the skill, the professionalism and yes, I‘ll admit it….the body! I can see why women would be vying for his attention. What a sperm donor he would make! Grant Elliot makes me want to retract every racist thought I’ve ever had about white South African immigrants. It was super annoying having to flick channels back to the horror on channel 3 that I am watching so you don’t have to. The best thing about The Bachelor screening twice a week is that it will be over twice as fast as he’s ditching two a week. I’m so excited I might just check the expiry dates of the cans in the pantry.

Last night lacked any real action at all so there’s no need for a recap.

Tonight’s one on one date is with Amanda. What and where will it be tonight? So far there has been the scenic plane flight, the bridge climb and bungy jump….lucky Amanda she gets to …golf! Ripped off! She must be gutted. It wasn’t even at Michael Hill’s golf course. Apparently he Michael Hill is happy to sponsor the show but doesn’t actually want them hanging around the house. Fair enough. The golf course and sand dunes were a great way to showcase the car though. The car tonight was a Suzuki bigger than a Swift. The product placement in this show is not slick. It sticks out like dogs bollocks but who isn’t curious about the ring. The show will end with a proposal. Not of marriage but a promise and a promise ring? Promise to what? Stop dating groups of women?

After the golf it’s off to another pop up gazebo and a picnic on Muriwai Beach. On the dunes, heading north. You know, the place where they normally ditch stolen cars. They talked about how much they both want to find love and have families. Awesome. They have that in common with his previous two dates. Still no snogging. Ladies don’t like to be cast as slutty.

Then it’s back to the house that still isn’t even slightly mansion-ish and the announcement of the group date time. This week must have been balance the budget week because the date is at the zoo where the ladies get to compete at cleaning up after the captive animals. The bloody zoo. Oh hooray. Can this show get any worse? Let’s look at the captive animals exploited daily for your pleasure. Yes dear reader, the irony is apparent. Maybe next week they can go to a circus and make the animals do tricks? The ladies had to muck out. It gave Arty a great chance to asses and judge their cleaning skills. Maybe next week after the circus they can have an ironing comp.

Poppy won the cleaning completion and her prize was getting to pat rodents. Which raises the question, should I ditch the expired beetroot? How old is too old?

Wahoo! This signals the end is near. It could be my imagination but the ladies look like they are swigging more seriously. Surely it is only a matter of time till someone starts suggesting tequila shots? I feel like a drink myself. The high point of the cocktail party is Poppy. When Arty tried to give her rose in the rodent enclosure she had misgivings and decided to sleep on it (the rose that is, not the rodent). Poppy is not sure she can cope because the connection is too strong. She’s too in love with him already. Oh no! I really want Poppy to stay. In my considered view the only way to move on from the fart is to burp the alphabet.

Poppy is staying to fight another day.

Someone else got sent packing. Another women discarded like an unwanted tin of beetroot with no discernible damage. In all probability perfectly fine but when the pantry is full you can afford to be fussy.

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13 Comments

  1. Mike in Auckland says:

    OOh I am so glad you took this challenge on, to show us what crap this show is, and how shallow it presents relationships between the genders. As a male I do not even dare anymore to challenge things, as we get thumped right away as having no right to criticise anything. But the MSM are exploiting women and men full power now, it is all reduced to sex, sensuality, sensation, who has more hair on the chest than other men, who has greater and more attractive breasts, and so forth.

    How more sick can this sick society become, I ask, what is now the “normal” and not so? I wish I was never born into this crap world. It makes me so sick what I see and hear each day.

    Of course the advertisers exploit every second of this.

    • McSandwich says:

      If this “Mike in Auckland” is Mike Hosking, then he would have signed himself as Mike is Auckland. But then again, Mike Hosking did give away a Warriors Rugby League jersey on Seven Sharp last night, so how ‘down with Aucklan’ bro’ ‘ is he? The jersey did have enough iconography to completely collage JFK’s new flag – ANZACs, crosses, moko and Vodaphone. Mike would have lost 000.25% of his dignity and ratings if he had hopped in teh Ferarri wearing his WRL jersey.

      Seems like the Bachelor is trying to appeal to various demographies – when someone from Auckland writes in its defence.

      But back to Poppy, comma Kate. Unfortunately I was so tired out from the cricket the previous night, comma, that I slept right through The Batchelor. From the tenor of your article though, I didn’t miss much.

      But thank goodness Poppy survived the culling at the Zoo, she was the bright gaslight, on this Stage of Romantic dreams. The producers introduced the familiar concept of ‘pooh-gathering’, which would appeal to the demographic who own domestic animals. A master stroke of televisionery.

      Look forward to The Bitchelor Part Rima – perhaps some dark-skinned female contestants will replace the bottom four eliminated contestants next week.

  2. Mike the Lefty says:

    Enough energy has been used commenting on this pathetic attempt to create “reality” TV drama. The programme is a load of shite and we would all be better served by ignoring it and turning our attention to more worthy things.

  3. downwithnats says:

    People actually watch this crap? Where are intelligent documentaries? Non-violdent drama? Educational programmes? Gone the way of the mindlessness of the sponsors….? Programmes featuring a mating dance between people chosen primarily for their resemblance to Barbie and Ken dolls, are pure tripe. No wonder screes of the successful applicants have dodgy records. They’re the majority that would apply. Next they’ll be telling us what toothpaste to use and how to vote.

  4. countryboy says:

    ” The Committee for a Better America . ” Ha ! I’m all for that . And here’s me thinking America was already perfect in every way .

    For those of you who can stomach The Bachelor ? You’re braver than I . Respect . I’ve accidentally seen the promo ads and it looks like a view up Satan’s arse crack .

    @ Mike of Auckland . Don’t you make the mistake of taking life far too seriously now . Sometimes, we have to rise above the frailties of being far too aware and just settle into our own groove and let things slide . Otherwise we’d all go fucking crazy . There’s nothing wrong with a little denial ya know .
    Rescue a pound dog and grow a vegetable garden . That’s what keeps me grounded and away from the ropes and razor blades .
    I remember a famous English writer now living in Spain once saying on being asked why he’d never tried to learn Spanish . ” I love being on a bus and not having a clue what other people are talking about . ”
    I’d recommend a holiday to a country where they don’t speak a word of English . There are a few close by . It’s a tonic . It really is . One can have breakfast with the breakfast ingredients as pigs and chickens run around while children laugh and play . Their mums and dads chatter away while smiling at each other . No Mike Hosking , no airbrushed stepford wife fawning and giggling , no fucking info-cricket-mercials , no petty western slights .

    Why not make a documentary on who thought ‘The Bachelor NZ’ was a good idea ? I bet their lives are rich and full .
    Seriously , who is it ? Who was the genius who said ” I know ! We can sell Bank Products during a tasteless , moronic, insult to humanity show ! Lets make something worthless people ! Yay ! Whoop ! Woow ! Bo Yeah mutha fucka ! ! Boooooommmmm ! Baw hahahahahaha ! ”

    Give me a bus load of pigs , chickens , children and Spaniards any day of the year .

  5. George Ryde says:

    If I hadn’t read the above I wouldn’t have known such shite existed. I’m not sure whether I should thank you all.

  6. wanafli says:

    The only educated thing about this program, is that it teaches my daughter what NOT to be like..
    The only real girl in that mix is Crystal.. she is the only one that says things as it is, not scared to speak up and do what she wants. But then again is it all for ratings.. is she told to be like this.. Matilda, I thought was nice, but who just sits by and smiles and says nothing when they feel their good friend has been insulted.. she then says it to the camera’s that she isn’t impressed, but can’t say it to the person’s face.. appears rather Catty, & two faced.. is that what you want for a wife?

    • Kate Davis says:

      FFS Wanafli, do you really read these posts & think I want to enter a dialogue about the women’s wife suitability? Good grief.

    • Kingi says:

      I think you might have missed the point of the post there, Wanafli.

  7. Nitrium Nitrium says:

    These are fast becoming my favourite posts on The Daily Blog. Nothing like scathing satire to brighten one’s day.

  8. Kate Kate says:

    It’s a recipe for a big drunken hair pulling makeup smudging scrap, and actually I wouldn’t put it past a few of them to start one. It is an embarrassment to everyone involved, how ‘devolved’ is NZ /usa T.V! Sad thing is the contestants look stupid for being on a stupid show that demeans them, how can they be so foolish? I laughed a lot as the first bit I saw of the show was the Poppy blow off, that set the tone, and the giggles big time. I wish the girls and guy on the show would deliberately take the piss out of the show so the dick heads who produced it realise this isn’t cool, and doesn’t work, come on girls and guy ham it up. That would be really funny and show they all had bigger brains than being corny reality t.v suckers.

  9. Kingi says:

    Clearly, the beetroot will last for ages. Now, what about those pottles of yoghurt and sour cream in the fridge, that might be out by about 2 or 3 weeks. Should we keep them? Dammit, Kate, I’m going to lie awake tonight thinking about this.

    • Kate Davis says:

      I thought I could put the beetroot in the civil emergency stash but when the Zombies come will I want beetroot?