Blackbelt visits crime ridden Auckland vs Puritanical Karen in Wellington – A tale of 2 cities
Two very different stories seemed to sum up the differences between Auckland and Wellington last week. The first a tourist who choked out a local Auckland mental health statistic while a Puritanical Karen in Wellington narked on seeing a heteronormative penis out in the wild.
Blackbelt visits crime ridden Gotham Auckland
I’ve always had a soft spot for videos where a bully keeps pushing the wrong person and then gets the snot beaten out of them.
So it came to pass in Auckland last week.
Chris Bowe was visiting Auckland when a Bro-on-the-Go started threatening him…
Chris Bower said he was enjoying a morning walk around Viaduct Harbour on August 30 when a man approached him from behind.
Bower said the man aggressively demanded money for his son and soon after began to chase him.
…what better way to welcome someone to Auckland than one of our many vagrants attacking him and demanding money…
“He scared the s… out of me since he was directly behind me,” he told the NZ Herald.
“He got too close to me and started to threaten me… I backed up because I didn’t know if he had a knife or something on him. He started pursuing me and I started jogging away. He then started chasing me and I was like ‘ooh s…’.”
Bower said he spotted a cafe as he ran and went inside in the hope that the man would stop giving chase. But the man followed him inside and allegedly attacked him.
…come on, this is Auckland, running into a shop won’t stop our vagrants, they go the xtra mile towards intimidating people for money…
“The guy ran up to the door and inside and came in and charged at me, swinging and attacking me,” Bower told the NZ Herald.
“I did what I’m trained to do. I’m a trained grappler and fighter.”
…that’s right, our Auckland Bro-on-the-go picked the very last person to fuck with, a US Brazilian jiu-jitsu champion.
Listening to the squeals of complaint after Mr jiu-jitsu chokes a bloke out are magical and should feature in an Auckland Tourism advert.
Turns out our Auckland Tourist welcomer was just another vast statistic of Auckland’s dysfunctional mental health system. The funniest part of the entire story are the final words, “the man was “referred to appropriate agencies for assessment”.
Sure he was
He’ll already be back on the streets threatening to stab someone else, all the while the Prime Minister is proclaiming Auckland’s CBD to be crime free!
Puritanical Karen in Wellington
Switch to Wellington and a Puritanical Karen was walking on a bridge and while glancing down, she saw a fully engorged naked heteronormative penis in a car as a frisky couple engaged in some vehicle sex like teenagers still living at home with their parents.
The Puritanical Karen was shocked that a heteronormative Penis should be seen from a bridge a top a car park and immediately group chatted her fellow Wellington Karens to demand what should be done.
The Wellington Feminist Coven decreed that a heteronormative penis frolicking in the wild was a gender crime too far (maybe of it had been a non-binary penis which are terribly popular in Wellington, it would be a different story), so the Puritanical Karen contacted the Police, complained and Wellington’s cops had the luxury to actually investigate this and found it was an off duty cop who was frolicking with a female companion.
Oh the lols.
1 – How lucky is Wellington to have the police resource to hunt down sightings of heteronormative penis’s in the wild?
2 – I love that she had to group chat her fellow Karens to justify narking.
3 – Even after complaining the Puritanical Karen was still unhappy with the outcome.
A tale of 2 pities
A tourist in Auckland needing to choke a bloke out just to stay safe while a Priggish Wellington Karen rats on a frolicking penis.
What manages to sum up Auckland and Wellington better than these two examples?
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…or come to Westport where a stranded barge on a local beach makes a popular tourist attraction.
As kids on pit bikes and guys in clapped out utes do blockies around it while the stranded crew of foreigners can only watch over the side and wonder if their next meal will arrive in time.
It was like something out of a Mad Max meets WaterWorld movie.
Why a barge shuttling sand back and forth from the West Coast to Nelson has a foreign crew is a good question..
I heard that none of the sailors on board were actually allowed off the barge, even when it was in the barging. Something to do with not having the relevant work permits or something. I could well be corrected on that but that was the rumour around town.
And why are they allowed with the West SI getting big seas and flooding? It needs building up rather than siphoning off. And even taking it off the bars I don’t know. Remember New Orleans getting hit by storms after their government engineers had viewed all the little breakwater islets off shore as a nuisance in the way of heavy oil tankers etc.
Great set description UNB. It seems that there may be clever creatives down there in the boondocks S.I. Please advise when there is content coming forth as performance, short films etc.
Very good!
You are a bit of a cis wanker at times, Martyn.
You write some priceless articles at times Martyn.
But Mitchell and his army have made down town as safe as houses for his mate Viv and the rest of the entitled rich prats .Next he will bring in his private off shore army to clean up the rest of NZ .I hear the chinese will train up thousands of police for us on the cheap .Perhaps he could use all the prisoners that end up not rehabed and give them a future .After all if you want to know how to prevent crime just ask a criminal how .
Did the Wellington ‘woeman’ have to use binoculars or a telescope to see said penis from a high perspective? Other questions the Moral Police Person conducting a study of the case: Did she take a quick photoshot of it to provide proof?
Is there a counter-claim to be made by the people being peered at? And are not people who find a private place to enjoy each other* entitled to be left with their composure in pieces as they desire, instead of being accused of causing the onlooker’s peace to be disturbed seemingly by her deliberate choice. Shades of Patricia Bartlett – look it up.
*Toto – Make Believe (Looking for that one of a kind) lyrics.
https://genius.com/Toto-make-believe-lyrics
Why don’t we make believe we’re in love again?
Who said the crimson moon doesn’t shine?
Where do people go
When they’re lookin’ for that one of a kind?…
My (half) witty girlfriend says if it had been us the whole sorid deed could have been done and dusted well before any cops turned up.
No doubt leaving plenty of time for afterglow and ciggy and shared can of V.
Is that your secret of success UNB – V juice? Take note everybody – as we degenerate we need props.