With alt-Right Billionaire Jim Grenon taking over the NZME to help spread the gospel of culture war revenge fantasies, what new editorial team will be brought together to cement into place 19th Century white settler privilege?
Here are some guesses.
New Zealand Herald Editor: Cameron Slater with Jordan Williams as Deputy Editor.
Daily hit headlines from NZs best known intellectual thug. Hard hitting editorials will argue why children from beneficiaries need to be sold for their body organs or get a job. Earthquakes will be the fault of menstruating Green party members and everyone to the left of Caligula will be considered a Communist.
The Mike Hosking and Sean Plunket ZB Breakfast Show plus Jordan Williams as Producer.
Award winning egos meet each Breakfast to argue over who hates minorities more.
The Heather Du Plessis-Allan and Chris Trotter Folk Song ZB Drive: with Jordan Williams as weekly slam poetry guest.
Afternoons never sounded so parochial with alt-Right Folk singer Chris Trotter singing duets with Heather Du Plessis-Allan. Songs like:
“If I had a hammer (I’d smash in a toilet to ensure the correct gender)
“Blowin in the wind has nothing to do with climate change”
“This land is your land (until we pass the Regulatory Standards Bill)
Guest Slam Poet Jordan Williams appears weekly to spit out truth and why free market solutions are so amazing.
Kerre Woodham, Chantel Baker and Angry Jesus ZB Mornings: With guest panelist Jordan Williams.
Join Kerre and well known antivaxx grifter Chantel Baker as they take calls with Angry Jesus over who should be punished between gardening stories and funeral insurance adverts. Jordan will read out letters from elderly fans while enrolling them on to outreach programs for the Taxpayers’ Union.
Marcus Lush and Free Speech Union Zionist Glee Club ZB Nights with Guest Trumpet player Jordan Williams
Join the Lushy as he tries to rock NZs pensioners to sleep each night while the Free Speech Union Zionist Glee Club angrily chant for the destruction of Gaza in the back ground. Jordan Williams occasionally plays a trumpet to round off a soundscape that drives the pensioner audience into high levels of sleep depravation making them far more pliable to Facebook advertising for DOGE chainsaws.
Northern Advocate Editor: Don Brash with Native relations advisor Jordan Williams.
On the first day, Northern Advocate Editor Don Brash will rename the newspaper ‘Hobsons Pledge’ and in the first editorial demand the local Māori population disperse immediately to Auckland. Jordan Williams will help facilitate transport.
ZM Morning Mad House with Michael Laws
Long pondering moments shattered by more mascara than Brazils Carnival, The ZM Morning Mad House with Michael Laws brings together all the things Michael Laws loves, himself. It’s Michael Laws talking about Michael Laws while reminiscing about Michael Laws. Jordon Williams makes no appearance because there’s no room for anyone else on the show.
Radio Hauraki with the NZ Initiative and Jordan William Pirates
Rock out with hard right neoliberal free market policy as NZ initiative acolytes sacrifice virgins to Milton Friedman on a guitar altar. Jordan Williams provides the virgins.
Flava Breakfast now with Peter Williams and DJ Jordan Williams
Time to get funky you jive turkey. Peter Williams will be taking over to explain to all you OGs that climate change is a socialist hoax. DJ Jordan Williams will drop some very insubstantial bass.
Coast: Sold off to overseas interests because Jordan Williams thought it was an actual coast.
The Alternative Commentary Collective:
Ani O’Brian, Sean Plunket, Chantelle Baker, Peter Williams, Cameron Slater, Leo Molloy and Wayne Brown all appear weekly to worship Winston Peters. Jordan Williams has been banned from attending because Winston hates him so much.
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At least the left have RNZ.
Now that’s the Bombet we all love! I just hope you can find a role for Jordan Williams.
When Lawsy is the best of a bad bunch..
Fabulous selections which I fully endorse.
Fabulous you have an erection for them Bob troll which you’re fully engorged.
And don’t forget the foreign correspondents Pauline Hansen, Steve Bannon and either Marie lePenn or Nigel Farrage from the European Bureau.
Totally agree UriNalBushrat.
Simply ending the real estate boosterism and vacuous lifestyle stories would improve the Herald.
Can’t be that hard.
” At least the left have RNZ ”
Your mate Joyce National- ized it and appointed a NATZ stooge to ensure they came in behind the shyster and his government.
New Zealand has never tolerated anything that resembles a left wing position in its media.
Frank and his mates just love pushing that RNZ Red radio bullshit.
Grenon doesn’t know enough about our country to know better. Unlike, Theil, strangely. A foreign billionaire doesn’t help the Right in NZ. He hurts it.
But, hey-ho, you don’t become a billionaire by knowing more than your widgets. You’ll be pitying your cold Canadian summers before you get out of here, mate.