GUEST BLOG: Nick Rockel – Leadership D.O.A.

Hindsight is good, eh?

The clarity when the pieces click and you see what should’ve been blindingly obvious at the time. If only you’d been watching.

Slow motion moments before the truck hits your bus, as you understand that the driver has ignored the red light and the resulting screams of your fellow passengers.

Then, in the aftermath, the post-crash carnage, you realise there’s no way that guy should’ve been behind the wheel in the first place.

But this is not a newsletter about bus drivers; it is about the worst Prime Minister in our nation’s history. Christopher Luxon, a man whose leadership has been so lacking that it failed even before the starting line.

As we approach the half-time oranges for his government, I thought I’d give Mr Luxon some feedback and a few suggestions on how he might turn things around – if becoming a real leader interests him.

Dead On Arrival.

Dear Christopher,

From the moment your coalition arrangement was announced, the vain hopes of many were dashed that the man who said so little of substance on the campaign trail would miraculously transform into a leader of people. Even some who voted for you have begun asking – Where’s the Beef?

Remember those coalition negotiations? You should’ve told Seymour his bill about diluting the Treaty was off the table and thrown it, and possibly him, out the window.

It would be unacceptable to so many, which is fine and dandy for David operating on the fringes, but you’re in the middle; it just wasn’t something you could support.

No way in hell could you, as the would-be leader of our country, put Aotearoa through months of soul-searching just so you could be the Prime Minister. “For goodness sake David what sort of snivelling, unprincipled gimp do you think I am?” that’s what you should’ve said.

It’s not like you weren’t already planning to dial back funding on all things Māori. As we’ve seen, you could happily neuter the Waitangi Tribunal, so there was nothing to worry about. Just replace the people who care and are well-informed with others who have no interest in ensuring the Crown meets its obligations.

You could’ve ruled out that bill if you had convictions – and I don’t mean the sort that ACT are fine with.

You know, the ones received by people with power, which are kept silent. Not the fully publicised punishments handed out to those on struggle street.

Christopher, do you really want a Deputy PM who has been standing up for a bloke who either got away with murder or, best case, is a whore mongering, P head that drove his wife to suicide?

It’s a bad joke. Why don’t you pony up a pair and go to the polls rather than subject the people you lead to that?

Surely you could’ve given Seymour something else, anything but that bloody bill?

You could’ve let David flog off state houses to private investors and property developers, turfing the tenants out without even bothering to count them.

Or was he too smart for that? He’d know that was a given; it’s what your party always does, regardless of the need for housing.

I guess the problem with yourselves and ACT both subscribing to the same agenda of underfunding and privatisation is that you felt you had to give something else away.

But building a coalition should’ve been about finding common ground. You know, like your shared hatred of environmental protections or general disinterest in climate change action. Couldn’t the three of you agree to do the things that you agreed on and forget the wackier ideas whose time has yet to come?

Some things are better left to the future, you know. Like announcing that your President is a paedophile when there is an election coming. Ask your wee mate David if you’re unsure of the reference; he’ll know.

You could’ve all played so nicely together, popping along to mine openings for a lovely little photo op. You know how you adore those.

But it’s not great leadership, though, is it Christopher? Opening up mines that many Kiwis don’t want. It seems like a step backwards, which isn’t usually the direction associated with successful leadership.

All the coalition parties had anti-Māori policies, that was clear during the campaign, but two of you weren’t looking to re-write the Treaty. Or so you say, and therein lies the rub, Christopher – people don’t take you at your word.

It’s all “trust us, we’re only going to support it on the first reading”, but what happens if ACT start to go up in the polls and you go down?

You’re just going to do the right thing? I imagine you might have a wee moral dilemma, which is not something Aotearoa wants – to be relying on your conscience.

If you opposed the bill and were never going to support it, then don’t open the door for Seymour – because who knows what’ll happen. Honestly, I can’t see how you thought it would play out; the best case is that he steals your votes and leaves you flaccid in front of your supporters.

Monkey see, John Key do.

With a role model of John “Aw, shucks, I don’t recall, and nobody cares” Key, it’s perhaps understandable that you don’t know what leadership looks like.

Maybe take a look at this photo of Chlöe, Marama, and Carmel – that’s it, Mr Luxon. Good lord, man, even Gerry looked more like a leader than you over Waitangi.

If that last bit about Brownlee stung – I hate to say it because it seems so absurd, but even Tama Potaka looked more like a leader than you. Are you hearing this, Christopher? It’s hard to imagine anyone having less mana than him.

I asked my friends: If Christopher Luxon wanted to become a real leader, what’s one thing he ought to do differently? They’ve provided some advice – free of charge.

Quite a few thought you should start by sacking people. Get your Trump on, and start saying, “You’re fired!” C’mon, you know you want to. The diet of civil servants must be getting dull, and people think the following folks should be stopped before they cause more damage.

Seymour, obviously. I know you’re about to promote him to deputy; instead, why not lock him in a room with Judith, tell them it’s a bare-fisted brawl for the role, and see who emerges the victor? I’m sure you’re not squeamish about any international treaties or such; your silence on Gaza would attest to that.

They also thought you should sack Nicola for ram-raiding the economy with austerity, that loser of a lush, Andrew Bayly for being a right plonker, the Kookie Koros of NZ First for well, Jesus, where do you even begin? And um… yourself.

That last one’s tough to hear, I imagine. People just felt you’d be happier in the US; it seems like that’s where your heart is. At least that was their best guess, location-wise.

So get to sacking, Christopher, and maybe one day they’ll build a statue in your honour. Put your hand down; we both know you’re just the guy to cut the ribbon.

People suggested brains, a heart, and some courage might help. As Todd said – Follow the yellow brick road. Give it some thought. I know how much you like a road. Someone else recommended a soul, but there was no suggestion as to whose you might acquire.

Angela posted one of those motivational messages that I imagine you like, although this one meant something. It said, “A strong leader accepts blame and gives credit. A weak leader gives blame and accepts credit.”

Something to ponder. I must say I’ve noticed you’re quite keen on credit claiming and lightning fast when it comes to blaming. It’s probably just a coincidence.

My mate Simon was a little more cruel than kind; honestly, he can be that way, but he has the country’s best interests at heart. His advice was, “Come to the realisation that you’re too thick, too weak, and lack the required integrity, resign and call a snap election.”

It might be harsh, but it seems sound.

To be honest, many people said that simply answering questions and not babbling meaningless buzzwords would be a start. You could start by never saying “what I would say to you” again and just saying whatever it is.

Kristen said, “Knowingly doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result makes you an idiot. Therefore, either admit what you’re doing will hurt the bottom feeders or do something different.”

Finally, Peter’s one-word suggestion seems kinda obvious, but I reckon he might be on to something. It’s worth a try anyway. Oh yeah, the word is – “lead”

What do you reckon? Maybe give it a go in the second half, eh Christopher?

Good luck,
Nick.

P.S. I think you should listen to Simon and call a snap election – just imagine the look of surprise from your team.

“Nick Rockel is a left wing writer who spent far too long working in IT and now writes “Nick’s Kōrero”. An almost daily substack of political satire, news, and views, from Aotearoa New Zealand. He lives in West Auckland, and has 5 kids, 2 dogs, and 1 wife. He Substacks here.