TDB Political & Media Awards 2018 – Christmas Omnibus Special Edition

PART 1

What a fucking horrible year!

Betrayal, deceit, abuse, bullying – and that was all just inside the National Party front bench!

2018 has been the year of the Woke Left & Alt Right, fringes of identity politics fuckwittery that have managed to infect the political debate and turn it in on itself in a never ending cycle of social media outrage olympics and the narcism of tiny difference.

At a time when rents soar, child poverty continues to impact hundreds of thousands, suicide rates sky rocket and the planet melts before our eyes, the debate has become so hijacked it’s created a unique censorship where by only the howling echo chambers of the professionally offended have currency.

Sartre said hell is other people, I think hell is other people’s social media feeds.  Millennial micro-aggression policing has replaced reason and trigger free safe spaces with emotional support peacocks have pecked out the eyes of logic.

As an economic global collapse fuelled by Trump’s trade war, Chinese shadow banking bubbles, Brexit, Italian political chicken with Eurocrats and emerging economy currency meltdown loomed, we argued about crypto-fascists speaking, Don Fucking Brash, Police marching in pride parades, Māori Santas, Baby Neve flights, Clare Curran’s coffee dates and complaining about fat shaming.

You know, the really important shit.

On the positive, Jacinda had some great photos and managed to genuinely inject kindness into the political agenda and soared on the international stage. On the negative, the media became so flaccid and terrified of social media backlash they self censored anything that might be considered vaguely interesting and the anti-semitic transphobic heteronormative patriarchy became the new red under the bed.

It was the worst of times and it was the most fucking tedious of times and I ended up despising the woke left as much as I despise the alt-Right.

Oh and lots of men kept demanding all year ‘not all men’, which was eye-rollingly banal and as inappropriate as Donald Trump at a trans-loving intersectionist feminist folk concert.

The only silver lining is that our head long rush into climate change oblivion means surely there’s only a few more years to have to put up with this cacophony of misplaced self-importance before the planet burns to a crisp.

A plague on everyones fucking property speculating house!

So without further bitching, here are the things we here at TDB hated and loved the most this year in politics and media…

 

Best Snuff Blog 2018 – Newsroom

Who would have thunk that in 2018 any ‘news’ organisation would accept 4 anonymous sources as the basis of a news story, but Newsroom did. After breathlessly telling the nation that Russell McVeagh was less a law firm and more a non-consensual orgy at Caligula’s, Dame Margaret Bazley investigated and found a situation that while not great, was far from the sexual assault factory Newsroom attempted to claim. One would have thought that debacle was credibility shredding enough, but not at the rarefied halls of Newsroom where Journalists who have priced themselves out of the market reside, they decided to press ahead with a ‘news’ story against Jami-Lee Ross which sounded a lot more like a political hit written on Simon Bridge’s desk than an investigation of political abuse. Journalist and broadcaster, Selwyn Manning, has done a critical and brutal take down of the real story behind Newsroom using anonymous sources and  hilariously when all of this pushed JLR to a suicide attempt, Newsroom and their media buddies refused to look at their role in creating that. When Cameron Fucking Slater starts sounding like the most reasonable voice in the room on an issue, you know you’ve booked a room in hell.

Newsroom are like a privatised version of Radio NZ, but with more smugness, more avocados and more property investments.

It’s for the parents of Millennials who read The Spin Off.

 

 

Best Blogger – Danyl Mclauchlan 

Far be it that we suggest anyone should actually read The Spinoff lest their eyes roll so far back into their head they pass out, but sweet Jesus Danyl Mclauchlan has had an incredible year. His actual blog, DimPost, was always a bit hit and miss, but everything he has written on The Spinoff this yearhas been a total must read. His book reviews and general musings about culture and politics are some of the best this country produces. He deserves acclaim far and wide for his intelligence and his brilliant writing style which is addictive, clever and kind. He’s effectively a Pakeha Morgan Godfery which is the greatest progressive compliment possible in this country.

 

 

Best Story – Steve Braunias – preparing for the end 

There was just a glee in finding out that Steve was preparing for the end of the world wasn’t there? The thought that someone as clever, acerbic and sarcastic as Steve might one day be forced to pick through the rubble of a devastated future dystopia was a vision that helped us all rock easily to sleep, like imagining David Slack without a bike, or Tim Watkin unemployed, but it was Steve’s fascinating exploration of the darkest realms of our feverish doomsday fantasies that made his story series on end of times this years best. From those trying to cash in on apocalypse, to spending doomsday with Kim Dotcom, this occasional series was one of the most wonderful explorations of end times imaginable. The creepy conclusions to a report on nuclear war and its impact on NZ was genuinely terrifying in its bureaucratic apathy and worth saving as a print out to read when the final twilight blinks us out as a species. I think I could overcome the fear of immediate extermination as long as I’m reading Steve in my final moments.

 

 

Best Current Affairs Show – The Hui

The Hui just gets better and better doesn’t it? They manage to make the best current affairs in NZ and continue with a standard  of Journalism that is light years ahead of everyone else. Why isn’t this on at prime time? Why the hell does it rot in some forgotten time slot in the middle of fucking Nowheresville? I don’t respect many people in the NZ broadcasting arena, but every episode of The Hui is quality and every staff member examples of the what actual journalism could be. All hail The Hui!

 

 

Best Broadcaster 2018 – Mihingarangi Forbes

She’s the Beyonce of Brodcasters isn’t she? Intelligent, fierce, always graceful and with dignity, she’s so good she makes John Campbell look like a Mens Rights Activist. Why isn’t she replacing Guyon Espiner on Morning Report?

 

 

Best Person on Twitter – Hillary Barry & Lucy Lawless 

Oh they are just both so amazing aren’t they? In a world where social media tribalism seems to seperate and divide more than it connects, both these women manage to inform, stand up for and build more than they damage or destroy. They are hilarious, if you are not following them both on Twitter, what on earth are you doing?

 

 

Best Political Photo 2018 – Waitangi Day

In an unprecedented move, Jacinda decided to spend 5 full days at Waitangi this year and this image of her cooking Waitangi Day breakfast at the Treaty grounds spells out better than anything else the politics of kindness and service to the people that her Government wishes to espouse. If she makes this a regular tradition it could do more to reinstate Waitangi Day mana than any other single thing. Some will argue that only substance over style matter, but it’s difficult getting substance passed if people don’t have the vision of hope to disrupt our disposable fortitude to reach for that level of real change.

That image is real leadership and power.

 

 

Duke’s Memorial ‘Banter’ Best NZ TV Comedy – None

Like the awful and now defunct ‘Banter’ on Duke, no NZ comedy TV show was funny in 2018. They were all painfully precious this year, like a Christian Youth camp with 9pm curfew. When 7 Days and The Project are scripted career highlights for comedians, napalm is the only recourse. It’s. Just. All. So. Fucking. Safe. And. Trigger. Free.

 

 

Too woke to Joke Award 2018 – The Wellington Twitteratti 

The woke warriors of Twitter and the woke millennials who staff the social media entertainment feeds for the NZ Herald and Stuff seemed to have no comprehension whatsoever of what a Comedy Roast was this year and it was cringeworthy watching them all complain.

The very funny and brilliant Rose Matafeo appeared on the UK Comedy Roast  and I’m guessing the Wellington Twitteratti  had never seen one before and so had no idea that the Comedy Roast is a no holds barred insult competition where sexism, racism and in fact every ism is up for use. So enraged were our woke friends they erupted onto Twitter complaining at the racist and sexist jokes thrown at Rose, and the story was given prominence right up until the comments started rolling in pointing out this is exactly what roasts are.

It’s like the Wellington Twitteratti turned up at a boxing match and started crying because people were hitting each other. May all their emotional support peacocks die.

 

 

Worst Political Journalist 2018 – Tova O’Brien

I’ve never rated Tova O’Brien. She is a creation of the Paddy Gower Gotcha School of Journalism  which manages to turn every molehill into a mountain. Tova’s body of political journalism all looks like the policing of micro aggressions only she can see and be outraged by. Her analysis is always shallow and actually seems to make you more stupid than informed. It’s like listening to Heather du plessis Allan on ZB while simultaneously watching Duncan Garner on The AM Show. Tova actually makes you dumber.

 

 

Worst Current Affairs – The Project & The AM Show

You know it’s a serious issue on The Project when Jesse cries.

I don’t watch The Project, because, you know, I’m an adult with an education who doesn’t listen to The Edge, so I’m not its target market, but for real brain damage you have to watch The AM Show in the morning. It’s not Mark Richardson I dislike, he at least puts some thought into his bigotry, it’s Duncan. The amount of times he’s just wrong about the issue he’s discussing is terrifying. The AM Show is to credible current affairs what a mince pie and can of coke is to a nutritious breakfast.

 

 

Action Station Worst Activism 2018: Anti–1080

When Action Station weren’t arranging to ban Rachel Stewart from living for daring to challenge trans militancy, they were demanding free speech be banned because it was white cis male privilege. The worst activism this year was a toss up between the anti-free speech brigade and the foaming madness of the anti-1080 crowd.

The venom, self righteousness and utterly misplaced perceptions that 1080 is poisoning  human beings  and vast amounts of unintentional wildlife has been an eye opening reality check of how poorly understood science is in todays activist world.

1080 hysteria is on par with chemtrails and anti-vaxx conspiracy.

It’s a symptom of a world where knowledge of a subject has been replaced with google and wikipedia. This is exacerbated by social media platforms that are fuelled algorithmically by outrage and subjective fury so the craziest and most extreme viewpoints are repeated and shared to the level of brainwash.

 

 

Biggest Political Moment – Pike River

It is difficult to look at this image and not feel a lump in our collective throats. The pain the whanau of the Pike Mine River dead have had to endure has been 8 years worth of suffering in the making.  The Government’s desire to fulfil that promise and re-enter the mine when National wished to just concrete over it shows a stark difference of priorities and values. The open face of Andrew Little who has championed this shows a humbleness of responsibility that speaks of all that is good and right about us as a people.

 

 

Simply the worst human being in NZ 2018 – Damien Grant

Right wing hate monster Damien Grant is simply the worst human being in the Galaxy. His annual firework display has killed 7832 baby horses and made 17 million pet owners cry really hard. He has posted hateful and incredibly unfunny things like this…

…and this…

…and this…

…and this…

…and this…

…when he’s not spreading right wing filth, he’s eating left wing babies. His death will be celebrated by vegan electric bike gender binary activists everywhere.

 

 

The Cormack Smug Hack Award 2018 – David Cormack

Surprisingly unanimous decision, David Cormack wins the award named after him. His writing style is almost as sanctimonious as Emily Writes and as dreary  as Lizzie Marvelly’s 10 000th column on why men are shit, it’s never illuminating and it’s always painful to read. With protagonists like David, it’s easy to see why the Left always lose the public debate. Best read when very stoned or very drunk or very stoned and drunk. The only writer that book burning should be for. Imagine putting your hand in a car door and repeatedly slamming it, that’s the writing style of David Cormack. Apparently his stand up comedy is excruciating, like Louis CK but with more public masturbation.

 

 

Best Political Leader 2018: Jacinda Ardern

She’s just so good isn’t she? When she’s not disarming arseholes in the House and in the media, she’s DJing and challenging gender norm stereotypes. The perfect antidote to Trumpism, she manages to make kindness a strength and dignity a weapon. Jacinda is so amazing that despite skyrocketing suicide rates, almost 300 000 kids in poverty, soaring rentals, continuing homelessness, a mental health system that helps kill people, a counter productive prison industry, never ending poverty and meaningless climate change legislation – we still adore her!

 

 

Worst Political Leader 2018: Simon Bridges

What the fuck was he thinking? Demanding an inquiry over a petty leak of his bullshit expenses managed to become a full on civil war with his own political bagman! Where was the great moral Shepard of the Right, Matthew Hooton, in advising his protégé not to embark upon the worst political self mutilation since Adolf Hitler said to Eva Braun in the bunker, ‘You go first’.

How the Zombie Jesus did Simon Bridges manage to fuck his own leadership up so badly, I haven’t seen a meltdown this bad since the Fukushima nuclear reactor. How bad is Simon Bridge’s self sabotage of his own Leadership? The Party Caucus is actively considering the Queen of Shadows, Judith Collins, as his replacement. When Medusa has a higher favourability rating than you do, it’s time to go home and lick the many, many, many wounds. Simon Bridges has more self-inflicted scaring than your average Emo teenager rebelling against daddy.

 

 

Best Insult on The Daily Blog 2018

“It’s like a Spinoff TV dinner party where Simon Wilson has just finished a 5 hour powerpoint presentation on the importance of cycle lanes while you’re stuck between Lizzie Marvelly and Toby Manhire arguing over who hates men most”

 

 

Shooting yourself in the foot award for Wokewittedness 1- The anti-Free Speech brigade 

The free speech debacle this year was surely our lowest point as a society. The Woke Left demanded trigger free safe spaces and made  Bomb threats, martyred Don Brash by banning him from Masseyand accused Miriama Kamo of ‘race betrayal’,

I believe we should have debated these crypto-fascsists.

Southern’s petty Islamaphobia bullshit can be shredded within seconds by pointing out the contextualised history of the West propping up mutated forms of Islam that are used as control mechanisms over people. If Southern doesn’t want so many refugees, maybe she should focus on the West not bombing the places they’re fleeing from. Her arguments are childish and can be torn apart immediately.

Molyneux’s ridiculous attempt to claim race and IQ are somehow connected and not a result of nurture can be debunked with the most simple of Google searches.

And Brash, well the best take down of that old goat was Willie Jackson’s speech at Orewa that totally annihilates Brash’s garden variety bigotry.

We beat crypto-fascsists by engaging them and wiping the bloody floor with them! We live in a progressive democracy, New Zealand Aotearoa! Woman fought to have the vote here. We were the first country to claim 40 hours as a working week. We went Nuclear Free! We are a legacy of people who build each other up as well as fight for what’s fair. How dare we be reduced to cowards who shut down  debate rather than have the courage of our forebears convictions and engage.

What was worse than this was less than  month later, the alt-right who were demanding free speech and the woke left who were demanding censorship reversed their position when Chelsea Manning was threatened with entry to NZ.

The stench of hypocrisy was unbelievable.

Here is the Grand Troll of the Right denouncing  Chelsea Manning…

Mike Hosking: Chelsea Manning is a crook, keep her out of NZ
Chelsea Manning is a crook, and the National Party are right to be wanting her banned.

…yet barely a month earlier here he is screaming about the death of free speech because two Crypto-fascsists couldn’t use a council owned venue to peddle pseudo-scientific bigotry and because tired old racist dinosaur Don Brash was banned from speaking…

Mike Hosking: What happened to free speech in this country?
The left is against free speech which is a very large step, and dangerously so, away from being against opposing views.

…but the hypocrisy wasn’t limited to the Right, bewilderingly and without any hint of audacity is Golriz Ghahraman defending Manning’s free speech, while denying the free speech she doesn’t like…

…Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.

What the Woke Left didn’t comprehend in their algorithmic fuelled social media outrage over Southern & Molyneux  was how easy it is for the Right to turn that anti-free speech platform against us when we speak truth to power.

The hypocrisy of the Woke Left was as disgusting as the Alt Right.

“It’s only free speech when we agree with what you are saying”, isn’t of any value to anyone.

Watching the Woke Left & Alt Right contort themselves into impossible positions over free speech when they both held polar opposite stances barely a month later would be hilarious if it weren’t so fundamental to us as a democracy.

 

Worst International Politician – Trump

Trump’s Cabinet

The crude, base, Nascar bigotry right wing populism Trump created has been far more damaging than anyone could possibly comprehend. His jaw dropping racism and simplistic hateful answers to complex issues is drawing oxygen from an America who actually think Obamacare is Socialism.

Mainstream Republicans have for years played to their electorates god worship, fetishised rugged individualism and small business morality while rewarding corporates. The demand for an outsider to smash the system played to this electorates Fox News exploited insecurities.

Trump’s populism has been so successful  because he is talking to those insecurities in a way none of the others would dare to.

There was much snarling and rolling of eyes at the absurd level of scumbaggery and insult that this tiny handed orange tumour has managed to create in a mere 2 years. That he has proved to be so much worse than predicted and that he is nothing more than a distracted dog chasing every car he gets angry at is as terrifying a reality as the violent revenge fantasies he peddles to a white working class who have been left behind by globalisation.

He is a carnival of ignorance, a cavalcade of malice, a celebration of spite.

He is a tangerine fascist and we have another 2 years of his madness.

 

 

Most vicious Dirty Politics hate attack 2018 – Sectioning Jami-Lee Ross

It isn’t easy being Blue.

Goading an MP with huge amounts of dirt on you into a self harm moment with anonymous allegations of sexual harassment while having a hand in his sectioning can make everyone  feel drenched in a toxic sludge that will stain you forever.

For. Ever.

You know, the way John Key is radioactive with mass surveillance and ponytails.

What’s worse is they now have to do the whole inquiry into the culture of the Party and if it’s awful for women with a straight face.

Going all Soviet Union on one of your own proves that National are prepared to do anything to win.

National have showed a level of ethics that would make your average drug cartel blush.

 

 

Shooting yourself in the foot award for Wokewittedness 2 – Pride Parade decision to exclude Police

The best bit about the Pride Parade meltdown is that it’s not in any way shape or form a blunder by the over zealous woke Board but instead a massive patriarchal capitalist conspiracy to fascistly re-instate gender binary norms. Kill me now.

 

 

Best Netflix – David Farrier’s ‘Dark Tourist’

Oh he’s just bloody wonderful isn’t he? If Louis Throux and Jeff Goldblum had a love child, it would be David Farrier. Dark Tourist was very funny, creepy and insightful. The guy is a legend, deserves far more screen time.

 

 

Worst Political Crusade 2018 – Reclaiming The C word

Massey University – No one will top us censoring Don Brash for wokedom

Green Party – Hold my organic craft beer

Green co-leader Marama Davidson says New Zealand must reclaim the ‘C-word’

Green co-leader Marama Davidson is on a crusade to reclaim the word Kiwis find most offensive.

At an anti-racism rally attended by families, she dropped the ‘C-bomb’ not once, not twice, but three separate times. She was later unapologetic about her language.

“I stand by using that word,” she told Newshub.

I know I have been scathing of the Greens in the past for their utter incompetence when it comes to tactics and strategy, but Jesus wept – THIS is what the Greens decided to focus on?

I’m in genuine opened mouthed shock – the fucking planet is melting and the Greens want to focus on reclaiming the word cunt???

You can’t actually write satire as bad as this.

I thought handing their questions over to National was bad, turning a blind eye to Chinese water theft & seemingly forgetting about mining permits on National Parks – but focusing on reclaiming the word ‘Cunt’?????

Look, I’m sure this type of feminist reclaiming of empowerment (#empowerment #girlpower) goes down well like a bag of strap-ons at an anti-heteronormative patriarchy coven kink munch meeting, but sweet Christ, reclaiming the word ‘cunt’ is political suicide.

 

PART 2

Where was I? Hate, hate, love, hate, love, way more hate, bloody Millennials and tiny smidgens of begrudging respect.

As we spin on this tiny rock completing another circle around a medium sized sun at the arse end of the Milky Way Galaxy, these are insignificant ramblings trying to fish up some meaning for a 12 month period where nothing seemed to matter in the face of climate change while simultaneously everything managed to offend huge swathes of people you’ll never meet.

This was part 1, here is Part 2, part 3 tomorrow…

 

Biggest Prick in NZ Politics – Mark Mitchell

How the living baby Jesus did a multimillionaire death merchant like Mark Mitchell suddenly become the voice of morality in the National Party? Doesn’t it say something when a private mercenary is your mouthpiece for ethics?

Shouldn’t that concern anyone else?

Who will speak for justice in our Party? Why the guy smeared with blood from being a private army warlord. It’s like getting a zombie on meth to be your life coach. Mark is a a cross between Goofy, a fundamentalist bible thumper and a homicidal psychopath.  That he’s National’s next great thing speaks of a dark future where mankind is locked in a doom spiral between robots and aliens – Mark would be sub-contracting out to the aliens and the robots. He’s so self righteous he calls out his own name at the point of orgasm.

 

Best TV Shows – American Gods, Strange Angels, Who is America, Silicon Valley Season 5,  South Park Season 22 & Atlanta Season 2

While all NZ TV was just absolute shit this year (I get to SpinOff TV later in this blog, and trigger warning, I pull the trigger many, many, many times) there were some bright sparks of genuine brilliance, unfortunately all of it on Soho.

American Gods – The philosophical and cultural questions this brilliant series throws up about human beings and their relationship to greedy gods who are desperate for attention and sacrifice is just so wonderfully dark and manipulative whilst being gloriously visual. It is an honest feast for the eyes and mind. That it seems to have been missed by many is a genuine tragedy, if you have Sky – download it and watch it. If you have the internet, illegally download it and watch it. TV this clever and violent is unmissable.

Strange Angels – Take rocket science, the technological race against Nazis and American suburban Satanism from the 1930s and you have Strange Angels. Repressed homosexuality, repressed scientific knowledge and lots of satanic sex rituals all add for the fucking weirdest TV series of 2018 and I fucking love it. Amazing visuals and insane merging of technology and Satanism. The cliff hanger ending of series one has made me an addict.

Who is America – Ok, it was pretty hit and miss wasn’t it, but the Israeli self defence advisor singing gun songs with Republicans mad me laugh so hard I almost wet myself. The disbelief with how far Right wing goons were prepared to go at the merest push by Sacha Baron Cohen was terrifying television.

Silicon Valley Season 5 – I love this series so much but the highlight episode this year was when Bertram Gilfoyle’s character had a death metal scream occur every time his Bitcoin investment went up. I’ve never laughed so much. Jesus it was funny.

South Park Season 22 – After so many years, how can this crass little cartoon still provide some of the most biting social satire in the game? Season 21 with PC Principle, gentrification and whole food stores was so incredibly funny I didn’t think they could top it, but the re-emergence of Man Bear Pig (global warming) was inspired and their most recent episode looking at the evil of Amazon proves they just get stronger and better with age. If you haven’t watched in a long time, I urge you it’s well worth the time.

Atlanta Season 2 – There are few comedies where every episode is a highlight. If you aren’t a fan or you haven’t watched, you are missing the best TV being produced right now.

 

Blame it on the Heteronormative Patriarchy Award 2018 –The Secret National MP who had an affair with JLR for years

 

Let me just see if I can get this completely straight.

One of the anonymous sources for the Newsroom hit job on JLR was a married National Party MP from a  socially conservative electorate who had an affair with JLR for years and years and years because of the heteronormative patriarchy?!?

What?

She was forced to have an affair with him because of the heteronormative patriarchy???

Once upon a time we’d say, ‘it takes two to tango’, now we are asked to believe the heteronormative patriarchy forces women to have affairs with men, and they only break that up when it’s politically expedient and then they send corrosive text messages like the one above that become the catalyst for suicide attempts, but that’s not her fault because you know, the heteronormative patriarchy.

Couldn’t it just be that she’ a hypocritical arsehole?

 

Best Male Politician – Andrew Little

Can we all just pause and appreciate the true courage and leadership of this man? To step down and allow Jacinda to become leader showed a lack of ego and commitment to values rarely seen or appreciated in politics, but it is the incredible job he has done with everything he engages in. Be it Pike River mine re-entry,  a humane approach to justice and prisons, to rebuilding relationships between the Crown and Māori, he is the unsung hero of NZ Politics and we would never have seen his capacity if he’d remained as Leader. He is everything we want our leaders to be.

 

 

Most meaningless policy – Carbon Neutral by 2050

Much has been made by the Greens that they will boldly make NZ Carbon Neutral by 2050. This is only bold if you are 7 feet tall and pick fist fights with infants. The truth is that climate change poses an existential threat to us as a species and here is what it will generate by 2030.

By 2030, over 50% of the oceans will be collapsing as bio-habitats.

By 2030, East Coast cities in the U.S. can expect to see two to three-times as many flooding incidents.

By 2030, 122million will be driven into extreme poverty as  direct result of climate change.

By 2030, 100million will die as a direct consequence of climate change.

By 2030, even if the Paris Agreement is actually implemented, we will see a planet warm to 3.4 degrees by the end of this century meaning there will effectively be no future civilisation capable of surviving on a planet that warm.

By 2030, the global annual cost of global warming will be $3trillion.

2030, the number of extremely hot days — classified as maximum temperatures of more than 35C — are tipped to climb in all capital cities.

But don’t fret folks, the Greens intend to make us carbon neutral 20 years after this carnage.

The Greens have all the tactical power of moss and the radical energy of a tofu.

 

 

Best Female Politician – Tracey Martin

She continues to be one of the hardest working MPs in Parliament. Her work behind the scenes on major policy is never appreciated and she simply doesn’t get any of the respect she deserves. Her work reforming Oranga Tamariki, the Children’s Ministry and more resources for children with special needs doesn’t get the attention it deserves.

 

 

Best on screen duo – Anika Moa & Hilary Barry (runner ups – Jack Tame & Haley Holt)

Anika and Hilary on screen together is the funniest thing in NZ. I often close my eyes and wonder how the hell this is going down in the deepest whitest parts of the South Island, whether the entire town goes still and quiet as locals watch the screen in open mouthed disbelief as a tattooed Māori lesbian teams up with an urban white feminist to tell it like it is. I just fucking love it. The runner up is Jack and Haley whom I’ve really warmed to. They are like clever siblings constantly squabbling at a rained in Summer batch. Sure sometimes you want to shoot them both, but there are some gems amongst banter.

 

 

Most Useless Minister – Eugenie Sage

This year the  Greens announced some meaningless ‘water test’ to stop foreigners buying land for water exploitation, but  this was just back peddling to try and gloss over Minister Sage’s bizarre decision to allow a Chinese company to steal 1.1billion litres of fresh water EVERY SINGLE YEAR.

The truth is that Minister Sage is either deeply confused over the power she has as a Minister OR she has been utterly owned by the Ministry and is now a puppet for their interests and not the Greens.

Minister Sage declares that she had no choice but to allow a Chinese company steal 1.1Billion litres of fresh water each year because the law only asks for economic benefits to be considered when allowing this theft to occur.

Here is the truly depressing part of Minister Sage’s confusion. Yes the Overseas Invest Act asks for a Minister to only consider economic benefits when stealing fresh water, (BUT and here is the but) the pitiful economic benefits for allowing this Chinese company to steal 1.1billion litres of water each year is a mere 15 jobs a year for 4 years.

You heard me right folks, this entire fiasco is creating a mere 60 jobs over 4 years. Minister Sage could have looked at that pitiful amount of employment and decide quite rightfully atet 60 jobs for 4.4billion litres of fresh water is not an economic benefit at all.

That Minister Sage had no idea that the above calculation was a legitimate response is depressing. Can someone pease explain her job to her?

 

 

Worst Opposition MP Award 2018 – Simeon Brown

When he wasn’t making submissions against the Marriage Equality Act, Simeon Brown is the National Party shit stain who was trying to pass laws that will make Synthetic Cannabis Class A.

I’ve detailed why making Synthetic Cannabis Class A will only make things worse, and how this entire fiasco is really the fault of the politicians in the first place…

The Parliament legalised synthetics, didn’t have the courage to push through the testing regimes that would be acceptable, this created a wild west situation with no safety standards being enforced, public backlash was enormous, Parliament revoked legalisation and sent the industry underground where it is killing 50 people a year.

…but Simeon has doubled down on his shit stain status and bewilderingly attacked the Drug Foundation for trying to provide advice to stop the massive death rate that synthetics are causing…

… so let’s get this straight.

Not only is Simeon part of a group of people who forced synthetics underground and are responsible for the current spike in deaths, he was also pushing for legislation that will only make the situation far worse AND he is now slagging off the only group who are desperately trying to stop the deaths that Politicians are responsible for.

The only thing more awful than all of this is that bloody Labour picked up the bullshit idea and passed it themselves!

Allah, please make their deaths slow and painful.

Simeon Brown is the type of braindead banjo twanging chinless wonder that gives inbreeding a bad name. His DNA is so weak, he’s banned from eating sliced bread just in case the yeast overcomes his immune system. He’s the political equivalence of fart in an elevator.

 

Award for Political incompetence 2018 – Corrections

I despise Corrections, I really do.

The joy with which they seem to relish making prisoners in their care suffer rivals only the sadism of WINZ staff or the ‘just following orders’ spite of Housing NZ during the meth hysteria, but to truly want to put your fist through the wall in blind frustration at the needlessly cruel counter productive fuckwittery of Corrections, consider why there has been such a huge and sudden reduction in the prisoner population.

After five years of continually climbing, the number of prisoners is finally dropping
The prison population has dipped below 10,000 for the first time in more than two years.

Since 1987, the number of people locked up had tripled – a result of successive tough law-and-order policies. Politicians have been slow to soften their stance, and change those laws, even though the system was creaking under the pressure.

So the milestone – achieved quietly on Thursday with 9920 inmates behind bars – is the result of an intensive, internal effort by the Department of Corrections.

Looks good eh, 1000 prisoners suddenly not in prison, wow.

So, how did that happen again?

Two fronts, bail and parole.

The tough on law bullshit rhetoric of the National Party changed the bail conditions in 2013 and required prisoners to apply for ebail in writing, but the problem the National Party and Corrections didn’t anticipate was that 70% of prisoners are illiterate so they couldn’t actually write the fucking letters to apply for the bail!

No one seemed to notice this until the prison population bloated to unprecedented levels and after scratching their heads for a bit, suddenly realised (once Labour got in) that with most prisoners being too illiterate to write letters for bail, they in fact needed to provide services to help the prisoners write the bail application letters.

I know you will be shaking your head in utter disbelief at the insanity of that, but this is one of the actual reasons the prison population is shrinking, and why it needlessly bloated.

The other reason the prison population is shrinking (and needlessly bloated) was the parole situation.

Parole won’t be granted if the prisoners haven’t completed rehabilitation programs, and you guessed it, the fucking prisons wren’t providing the rehabilitation programmes.

Prisoners can be released after a third of their sentence IF they complete these programs, but because corrections weren’t providing them, prisoners ended up doing their entire sentence.

That’s men, locked up 20 hours a day for years on end with no rehabilitation then being released with no social skills back into a community that hates them with bugger all support and then we wonder why such huge numbers reoffend within 2 years of being released.

What was National’s response when they realised they had inadvertently started producing men more damaged coming out than when they went in? Why the National Government passed a law allowing for Corrections to endlessly monitor these men and keep them in housing permanently based on prison land.

Endless imprisonment past the sentence because the original time in prison had been so damaging an experience.

Over 20 years  the cost of our prisons has jumped from $382 million a year to $1.3 billion a year.

This needless suffering and cost to let NZers feel the taste of vengeance speaks ill of us as a tiny people with an insatiable thirst for moralistic outrage.

So Fuck Corrections, they are a pus pit of counter productive social policy, and the fact they allowed so many men and woman to needlessly rot in  prison for 5 years – that’s 5000 people at $100 000 each per year that’s half a billion fucking dollars needlessly spent keeping people inside a prison system that only damaged them further.

That Corrections now want a pat on the back for helping Prisoners who were functionally illiterate fill in the forms to get them out is an audacity – heads should fucking roll for this human collateral damage they have sanctioned, but of course this is the Public Service, and no one is ever held accountable.

 

Award for Ministry that has best conned its Minister – WINZ

Carol from WINZ will see you now.

No other Ministry has managed to utterly own their Minister quite like WINZ has. The announcement that  the new Government are 20% less cruel than National was embarrassingly heralded like a mighty win…

Benefit suspensions drop after new policy
The number of people whose benefits are suspended or cancelled each day has dropped by more than a fifth in just a matter of weeks, the Social Development Minister Carmel Sepuloni says.

…on the same day it was  announced that IRD and WINZ have screwed up and are now charging beneficiaries hundreds, if not thousands of dollars we got this pitiful claim that the toxic culture of WINZ has somehow been ‘modified’…

Parents who have had Family Tax Credit payments administered by Work and Income are now receiving letters from the Inland Revenue Department demanding re-payment of alleged debts arising from errors made by Work and Income.

Kirstie, a woman interviewed by Newshub (see 6.00pm TV3 News, Tuesday 26 June) has received a letter from IRD stating, “Our records show we haven’t received payment for your working for Families Tax Credits in full” and that this dates back to March 2014. IRD has told Kirstie she owes them $568.18 and she is being charged interest on this amount.

Another woman has received a letter from IRD stating she owes IRD over $7000.

…here’s the Minister touring her toxic empire…

…if only this Government could protect the users of welfare services as much as they do the staff of these services.

Holding up a pitiful 20% reduction on a policy of spite and cruelty without any reflection on the 20% that have been wrongfully kicked off welfare that number must then represent on the same day another atrocity from IRD & WINZ towards beneficiaries has just been exposed right after the horror the meth hysteria perpetrated against Housing NZ tenants IS NOT A REASON TO CELEBRATE!

Labour then went on to announce that they will spend $2.5million to make WINZ offices warm and fucking friendly…

All of Work and Income’s service centres will undergo a $2.5m transformation from cold, clinical waiting rooms into colourful, well-furnished spaces as part of the Government’s plan to make the welfare system “kinder” and less punitive.

The renovation of the 126 centres comes after the more welcoming approach was trialled at four service centres around the North Island.

“It’s the right thing to do,” said Social Development Minister Carmel Sepuloni.

“We don’t want to be pushing people into further hardship or causing unnecessary stress and anxiety in people’s lives because we’re making it difficult for them to access something that they are actually eligible for.”

…YAY! When the sadistic WINZ staff member (who seems to get off on the power they have over weak and vulnerable people) kicks you in the guts, turns down your welfare and spies through Facebook to see if you you are in a  relationship, it’ll all happen in a  warm and friendly environment.

Wokedom at it’s most hollow and insincere.

I’m sure most beneficiaries would be more than happy to swim through shark infested pools and walk over broken glass to just see a WINZ staff member who wasn’t looking to catch them out and use spite to denigrate and shame their vulnerability. Look at the latest survey…

Survey shows four out of five people had negative experiences at WINZ
A new survey has shown that four out of five people have had negative experiences at Work and Income New Zealand (WINZ).

The survey, conducted by the Child Poverty Action Group (CPAG) and ActionStation, questioned 267 people on their perspectives, insights and experiences of the welfare system.

The findings included an overwhelming trend of people having negative experiences with WINZ and a desperate lack of income to afford basic needs.

One of the key findings was that 84 per cent of people said they did not currently receive enough income to live with dignity and participate fully in the community.

…punishing people who don’t have enough already seems like the sort of social policy Mordor implements.

The simple naked truth is that beneficiaries don’t have enough to live on and making them hungry, cold and vulnerable only creates more costly social harm than any good.

 

Best Opposition MP – Chris Finlayson

I respected Chris, I didn’t always agree with him, but I respected him. He had a fierce intelligence and a brutal ability to eviscerate his political enemies that was more at home on a  wildlife documentary on the hunting techniques of large carnivores.  He loved debate with as much passion as great white sharks love blood, he was a towering figure on the Right and his stepping down from Parliament leaves an enormous intellectual vacuum that Gerry Brownlee is in danger of tripping into and collapsing like a neutron star.

 

No. Stop that now Political Award 2018 – David Seymour

Brothers and Sisters, the whitest moment in NZ history occurred in 2018. This was so white it was sea salt combined with goat yoga combined with Don Brash combined with organic farmer markets combined with a Tesla Roadster combined with Nickelback.

No.

Nooooooo.

FUCK NOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

We were all there. We all saw it. We can’t unsee it.

I stopped dreaming in colour after this.

 

PART 3

Let’s wrap this up already – it’s almost Christmas and this trilogy is dragging on like the Lord of the bloody Rings, but it’s not a total flop like Mortal Engines. God, that movie is dreadful isn’t it? When the Weta Digital special effects department can’t paper over the crap plot you know you are fucked. Who thought a movie about cities on wheels was a starter for 10? It’s as much a hot mess as the Golden Compass yet losing more money.

I digress.

This was part 1, this was is Part 2, here is the final in the trilogy…

The Spinoff worst public broadcasting Award 2018

We. Will. Not. Smile! That’s what the heteronormative patriarchy wants!

Oh dear…

Spinoff TV loses nearly 90 per cent of audience after ‘graveyard’ slot shift

The Spinoff has lost nearly 90 per cent of its audience after moving to Friday’s 10.45pm “graveyard slot” on Three.

The quirky current affairs show debuted in its new slot on Friday but its audience did not follow, with its target audience plummeted from 37,000 to a meagre 4000.

The show, which was publicly funded by New Zealand on Air to the tune of $700,000, previously held Friday’s prime 9.45pm slot which has traditionally been home to comedy shows like Funny Girls and Jono and Ben.

It was pushed back after losing nearly half its viewership just three weeks in, when its target audience (viewers aged 25-54) dropped from 73,000 to just 35,000. It has been replaced with low-budget clip show Fail Army.

…apparently Spinoff being hot with woke twitter was enough of a reason for NZ on Air to shit gold bullion straight into Toby Manhire’s mouth, but that wasn’t the most expensive blunder this year, Alison Mau’s Suffrage 2018 ‘What Women Want’ received $200 000 and to date has had 2 428 views,  which at $80 a viewer seems a tad expensive.  The problem was most creators of content in NZ seem to think recording something and then dumping it on line was a ‘social media strategy’, when it simply was not. Could we please get some media that actually engages people rather than further alienates them, we’ve got the Green Party for that. Public Broadcasting needs to bring people together, not disperse them even further – crazy idea I know.

 

 

Worst Political fuck up 2018 – Meth testing State houses

Let me see if I can get this completely straight.

$120 million needlessly pissed against the wall on decontamination that was never a threat.

2400 state tenants thrown onto the streets at the height of a housing and homelessness crisis.

The demonisation of state tenants by National to sell state housing privatisation.

The mainstream media gleefully bashing dirty filthy beneficiaries to sell newspapers.

The fact state tenants had to have all their possessions destroyed because of the so called ‘contamination’.

Tens of thousands of dollars in debt HNZ forced upon state tenants in the flawed Tenancy Tribunal and the open question of how many children were stolen from state tenants by state services because of meth hysteria.

All of that and yet NO ONE was held to account despite Housing NZ being told years ago that they were misapplying their own policy.

How the flying fuck can $120 million be wasted and thousands of lives made homeless  in the middle of  a housing crisis and NO ONE be held accountable? It’s like turning up at the Nuremberg Trials and being told, ‘Oh, hey everyone, so we’ve made a bit of a captains call here and decided to hold no one to account. Soz, not soz.”

 

 

Best Burn 2018 – Winston  Peters

 

Best Māori MP – Willie Jackson

Behind every Māori situation inside the Government, there was Willie Jackson holding things together. Māori helped elect this Government and Willie was a huge part in getting that Party vote in for Labour, so far Grant Robertson has given him sweet bugger all to show Māori for that level of trust. He’s one of the few who can front foot it in the media and he should be the prime candidate to replace Kelvin as Deputy if Kelvin steps aside. The best media moment this year came when Willie was allowed to fight Judith Collins directly on The AM Show, they have the very capable and respectable Michael Wood doing it now, but when Willie appeared it was a joy watching Judith appear frightened for once.  She looked like Trump in a library.

 

 

Clare Curran memorial coffee date for best smokescreen 2018 – NZDF

So, the man who allegedly oversaw a war crime cover up steps down and you would imagine that the NZ media would finally stop with their Clare Curran coffee date fetish and be forced to examine and question civilian deaths the NZDF covered up.

Did they do that?

No way.

The media spent more time on Curran’s coffee date with Carol Hirshfeld than a war crime, hell, the media spent more time on Curran than the issue of Middlemore Hospital rotting…

 

… this is insanity. Our fourth estate have completely failed us. The only way this war crime gets covered now is if it appears on Married At First Sight and admits cheating while going on a coffee date with Clare Curran!!!

 

 

Best Journalist – Kirsty Johnston

Sometimes a journalist becomes something more than  someone who holds the powerful to account, they become a healer, counsellor, bastion and priest. Kirsty’s work this year on the jaw dropping ineptitude of rape case progression has been soul destroying to read, and simply unimaginable to cover. The fury, anger and exhaustion of covering an issue like this alongside the exit point it creates in so many other survivors and victims means Kirsty must wade through the worst crimes men commit. It would be impossible to look at half the population the same ever again. A career highlight for her this year must surly be the release of Ashley Peacock whom she championed for years. Her work is gruelling and the amount of shit she must endure is cruel. We are a better society for her  tenacity and dedication.

 

 

Best Columnist 2018 – Rachel Stewart 

Right Wing Hate Monster and lamb strangler, Damien Grant’s take on Rachel Stewart 

This was a weird year. Rachel Stewart is one of this country’s most important political and environmental voices. Her relentless courage in standing up to the corporate farming lobby and their pollution has made her the most powerful enemies, seen her threatened with rape and even had some arsehole leave a severed horses penis in her letterbox as a threat, yet none of that prepared her for the fury of the woke when she challenged Trans militancy and aggression online and in a column. She ended up looking like a bacon and bourbon vendor at Mecca, the vitriol and hate her work inspired was jaw dropping in its maliciousness and cruel in its spite, yet through it all Rachel refused to be frightened. In a day and age where woke social media pile ons self censor more then Fox News at an evolution conference, Rachel has reminded us all what real columnists need beyond word craft, they need courage.

 

 

The Kim Dotcom ‘I told you so Award’ 2018 

Well, well, well – Kim Dotcom was right – here is the mass surveillance…

New oversight report critical of spies and highlights legal ‘gap’ in GCSB practices
Our spies have been pushing the boundaries of a new law meant to provide greater detail and oversight, according to their oversight body.

Concerns include the possibility the powerful electronic spying agency, the Government Communications Security Bureau, is scooping up information including that which belongs to New Zealanders without the proper legal authorisation.

Inspector-General of Intelligence and Security Cheryl Gwyn issued a report today harshly critical in many regards as to how the GCSB and NZ Security Intelligence Service are meeting the demands of the Intelligence and Security Act.

…and when the GCSB and SIS weren’t avoiding scrutiny, it turned out that every State Agency in the country were spying on everyone for everything.

The New Zealand State has managed to make the East German Stasi look like that uninterested person you follow on Twitter whom you keep liking and retweeting but who refuses to follow you or like your tweets.

Kim Dotcom has become that ex-boyfriend that New Zealand broke up with. The break up was really nasty and lots of mean things said and Kim made a whole lot of criticisms about us that we totally denied at the time and yet everything he said has turned out to be true.

Which of course just makes us refuse to accept and acknowledge them even more.

While it seems churlish to boil down the truth of mass surveillance to a teenage relationship that has gone bitter, it’s probably the last possible metaphor for the sleepy hobbits of muddle Nu Zilind to grasp. If this fails, we’re just one martial law declaration under President Judith Collins away from 1984.

 

 

The Friends Don’t Let Friends Read The Stuff Comments Section Award for Self-Censorship 

Look, just save yourself the aggro and don’t read Mike Hosking. What is the point of slamming your brain in a door repeatedly? When was the last time he brought any genuine insight to any issue? He rages against bike lanes, children, speed limits, safety belts, reading, liberalism, gravity and basic facts in history. While we should always open ourselves up to differing opinions, there’s just a point where you have to accept someone is a dick.

Mike’s a dick.

 

 

Best Propaganda – Dairy Industry

The Dairy propaganda adverts on TV are hilarious. So terrified are Fonterra that the rest of the country is getting sick to death of them stealing and polluting our water, they are desperately pumping these farcical adverts out to try and distract Kiwis from the wholesale abuse of their industry.

Richie McCaw wanders around a Farm in the early morning and marvels at the pristine goodness of these human beings as if Jesus himself had personally popped down to the milking shed to milk a herd before feeding 5000 with a block of cheese.

Indeed the most recent advert actually goes as incredibly far as suggesting milk is some kind of miracle drug that can help paralysed teenagers walk again.

You have to see it to believe it…

…that’s right folks, Dairy doesn’t shit into our rivers or steal our water! They didn’t get National to privatise 49% of our state owned energy assets to create an irrigation slush fund worth $400million to convert as many square inches of NZ into intensified dairy farms! No, they create a miracle juice that helps the sick and needy! This is propaganda that would make Goebbels choke.

 

 

Worst Propaganda – Taxpayers Union

Jordan Williams and the Taxpayers Union are to the truth what a raw dogging Donald Trump is to diplomacy and STD prevention. These scumbags troll out bullshit with the same sort of unending pain and thin consistency of explosive diarrhoea. If you were in a  room with the Taxpayers Union,  Osama Bin Laden and Charlie Manson with a gun and two bullets, you’d shoot the Taxpayers Union twice, just to be sure they were dead.

 

 

Best Witch Hunt 2018

Cough.

Soooooooooooo.

(Crickets chirping).

How about that ‘paedophile ring’ then?

Anihera Black allegations: Police find no evidence of paedophile ring
There’s no evidence of a paedophile ring in Tauranga and the woman who made the allegation – and serious claims against her dead husband – is refusing to speak.

Detective Inspector Mark Loper said police had spent weeks investigating claims by Anihera Zhou Black that her former husband Te Awanuiārangi Black was a member of a Tauranga paedophile ring.

Loper said: “Police have been contacted by one person since the allegations were made.”

…plenty of media attention for the allegation and accusation, not so much attention on the no evidence part.

I started feeling deeply uneasy about this Black case the moment I read this…

Back in the Tauranga hotel, Zhou Black is weeping as she is asked by Stuffto provide evidence for each of the eight names she has provided Stuff alleged to be part of a paedophile ring.

Tiaki-Turi joins the interview by phone. She acts as Zhou Black’s spiritual adviser or matakite – someone considered to possess a supernatural ability to see visions of the future.

Zhou Black is asked why an academic appears on her child-sex ring list.

“He’s a very wealthy man … He knew Awa through that time. I don’t know how long,” she says.

No victim had identified the academic.

“Got anything to add, sis?” Zhou Black asks Tiaki-Turi.

“Um, it’s just a connection that he has with a lot of the people associated to Awa,” Tiaki-Turi offers.

“He’s more a person of interest,” Zhou Black adds.

“He was my Facebook friend up until three days ago and then he has blocked me.”

…a Facebook blocking is evidence of being a member of a Paedophile ring???

Is anyone else reading this?

I had figuratively compared what was going on in this case to the Salam Witch trials of the late 1600s because that was the last time we allowed allegation to be the evidential threshold, but it’s actually literal here when you consider the role of a person who claims to have supernatural powers being the accuser.

I’m sorry, but someone with psychic powers using those powers to claim insight to crimes?

Sexual assault is a blight on our culture and the lack of justice around the many who suffer it is an obscenity but people claiming magical powers to hunt down the guilty can’t be the solution to that problem can it?

 

Issue of the Year – Climate Change 

The fucking planet is melting, it’s far worse than we ever knew and it already poses a threat to our collective existence yet the triviality of micro-aggression policing that seems to dominate the focus of most media seems terribly farcical at times. I feel that we are on the Titanic speeding towards the iceberg while the argument is about something someone posted on fucking twitter. Kill me now God.

.

 

 

So that’s it. That’s the year. Somehow we managed to hate each other with more passion than the actual enemies of democracy.

Twitter 2018 ended up sounding like a cacophony of socially awkward competitively woke Millennials all calling each other out for not being subjectively outraged enough by each others hobby horse issues.

For me the defining line of politics, class and power is not defined by being straight, gay, bi, trans, white, black, brown, yellow, Christian, Male, Female, non-binary, Muslim, Atheist, Buddhist or Hindu.

It is defined between the 1% and their 9% enablers who hold all the wealth vs the 90% of the rest of us who don’t. Class when defined like this is the ultimate solidarity and the means to a democratic majority.

In late stage neoliberal capitalism with a looming environmental crisis which poses a literal existential threat to our species, the sooner we can find the common cause of us all being slaves under a neoliberal structure that is killing us and the biosphere, the sooner we can keep the democratic majority to change that system so true agency can be shared by everyone, not just the privileged few.

The last word for 2018 is to that hate monster of the right, Damien Grant, who sums up my existential angst far better than I ever could…