TDB 2019 Politics Awards

ByMartyn Bradbury

It’s the end of the year and it’s been a frenetic one politically. Jacinda promised transformation and clearly didn’t know what that word meant while Simon Bridges promised an Opposition that would hold the Government to account and clearly didn’t know what ‘opposition’, ‘Government’, ‘account’, ‘promised’, ‘hold’, ‘an’, that’, ‘the’, ‘would’, or ‘to’ meant.

When Simon wasn’t being a dickhead, Jacinda was touring the International Stage which triggered Simon into being a dickhead.

It was a year when tiny, handicapped infant steps were held up as grand strides for democracy, the Opposition gave up on arguments and just started to lie and a sexual assault allegation with all the due process of a witch trial at The Spinoff dominated headlines.

Let’s break hearts, applaud gods and create another 12 months of hate grudges with this years TDB 2019 Politics Awards!

Top 5 MPs of 2019

Chloe Swarbrick: Her incredible leadership on cannabis, her maturity, her sense of humour and her devastating ‘Ok Boomer’ marks her out to be the next co-leader of the Greens. If Chloe is the future, we can feel positive about that future.

Jan Logie: Her tireless work on domestic violence and the staggering amount of people being arrested for strangulation since her law change came in has cemented Jan as one of the most important MPs doing some of the hardest work in Parliament.

Willie Jackson: The only Labour Party MP who can front foot Duncan Garner and Judith Collins at the same time, the best TV advocate the Government has.

David Seymour: His shepherding of the Euthanasia Bill was a remarkable feat of genuine legislative maturity. I disagree passionately with this Bill, but Seymour’s stewardship of it has created a law that is worthy of genuine consideration. His leadership on free speech and allowing a feminist conference to occur at Parliament was true moral compass and he is likely to be the rewarded with 3% at the polls. Love him or hate him, you can’t ignore the hard work he has put in this year.

Andrew Little: One of the most righteous Minister’s in the Government. His leadership on a range of Justice issues marks him as a real champion for progress. Best Prime Minister NZ never had.

5 Worst MPs of 2019

Simeon Brown: I am always skeptical of the intellectual power of most politicians but Simeon Brown manages to lower that threshold in ways that should ban him from operating all machinery, multi-tasking and voting. Possibly the most counter productive MP ever produced from a very low gene pool.

Matt King: Northland National Party MP and man afraid of eclipses, Matt King, posted an American Right Wing climate denial mantra onto his Facebook this year and is still facing the anti-science fall out it has sparked. The climate denial is so evangelical you get the feeling he has doubts about vaccinations, fluoridation in water and all of the moon landings. I wouldn’t be surprised if he fervently believes dinosaurs are a trick by Satan and that the Earth actually rests on four large elephants standing on a giant space turtle.

Maureen Pugh: Told NZ that the West Coast has a 1000 years of coal to burn. I assume by this statement she also plays the banjo with her toes.

Phil Twyford: Almost as useless as Carmel Sepuloni.

Dr Jian Yang: To China with love.

Basic Bitch Social Policy 2019 Award

Strike Force Raptor: Let me get this straight.

We have a political party promoting ‘strike force raptor’ type social policy?

Anything requiring the title ‘strike force raptor’ should only apply to an actual dinosaur who has slipped through a time portal.

Personally I’m truly grateful that the National Party are cracking down on gangs, when will the white supremacy gangs and militant gun clubs get hit?

It’s not just the brown ones right?

Oh. It’s just the brown ones.

So National’s ‘plan’ to deal with the gangs is ‘Strike Force Raptor’ which goes in and penalises gangs who don’t have bar licenses & don’t have the right building consents on their Gang pads?

Jesus Wept, Nigel from the Council is coming with his clipboard! Run brothers, run!

Thug Award for brutality masquerading as social policy 2019:

Oranga Tamariki: I can’t tell the difference between Oranga Tamariki and a baby trafficking cartel. This abomination was neoliberal welfare policy on meth. National cooked it up as part of their ‘social investment’ model which quantified the ‘cost’ of a beneficiary and based on certain criteria calculated how much money Government could save from early intervention and used that cost saving to a) eliminate universal welfare provision for just the ‘worst’ cases to bring down overall welfare costs and b) justified a weaponised uplift policy.

National legally lowered parental rights, removed the right of parents to gain legal aid to challenge uplifts, streamlined the 0800 number to direct response teams and had no independent oversight to all this unchecked power.

The result? Surprise, surprise Māori children removed from their parents using lies, manipulations and falsehoods.

The greatest question in all this is why the fuck this Government is so willing to die in a ditch for National Party neoliberal welfare hate masquerading as social policy.

National’s bash the dirty filthy bennie policy: There are three national sports in NZ culture, Rugby, Alcoholism and bashing the dirty filthy bennie. National Party voters feel the same way about bashing the dirty filthy bennie as Americans do about hand guns, in that it’s slightly sexual. There is of course no proof whatsoever that draconian welfare policy works but that’s not the point of National Party policy, their angry voter base loves to bitch slap dirty filthy bennies and if they could pass legislation allowing National voters 3 free bitch slaps a year, Simon would be Leader for life. When it comes to meaningful welfare policy, the National Party are a panel of lepers judging a beauty competition.

Most self congratulatory Bullshit Policy 2019

Zero Carbon Bill: Promising to do something in 31 years is not a fucking plan to combat climate change. If the climate crisis is on par with fighting the Fascists in World War II, the Germans have invaded Poland in 1939 and the Government have announced we have a plan to defeat Hitler by 1970.

If this sophistry is our generations ‘Nuclear Moment’ it’s the equivalent of David Lange farting in an elevator.

The Grant Robertson political invisibility Award 2019 

Marama Davidson: Is she still even in the Greens?

Worst political scandal 2019

NZDF cover up of war crimes: The lengths the NZDF have gone to justify how they accidentally butchered and maimed 21 Afghan civilians is as hilarious as it is disingenuous.The NZDF want us to believe that they accidentally believed a report cleared them from any wrongful killings because an Officer read the report over the shoulder of someone else and accidentally mistook an acronym to mean we hadn’t killed anyone AND THEN that report was secretly locked in a safe and only came out a week before the inquiry.

How fucking stupid does the NZDF think we are?

Answer? Very fucking stupid. These murderous pricks are actually going to get away with this aren’t they?

International Political Heros 2019

Greta, Assange & Chelsea Manning: 

Greta Thunberg reshaped the political debate in 2019 with a call to war against adults and their greedy do nothing ilk while Assange and Chelsea Manning were still being punished for their activism. Greta is one of the most important voices the globe has created right now and Assange and Manning’s cruel incarceration

Most Vanilla (in a bad way) political panel show 2019

Spinoff’s ‘Gone By Lunchtime’: Listening to Ben Thomas and Toby Manhire trying to be charming and informing for half an hour is like masturbating with a cheese grater.

RNZ’s ‘The Panel’: Sweet Jesus it’s safe. It’s just so fucking safe. Like, if people are looking to be euthanised, the Panel is what they will play to the terminally ill to help them let go and go to the light. The Panel gives vanilla a bad name.

Best political panel 2019

The Working Group with Sean Plunket, Damien Grant and Martyn Bradbury, 2pm Magic Talk Fridays: Fuck you. Our panel shits all over everyone else’s and if you didn’t think I’d have the audacity to nominate my own show as the best you really don’t read my work often. Judith Collins, Mark Jennings, Mark Mitchell, Chloe Swarbrick and Shane Jones have all been guests and it was so popular it had to be expanded from 30minutes to a full hour. It’s great except for Damien Grant, I carry that guy for at least 50% of the show. It’s a work out for me and an intellectual Uber service for him. We were going to call it ‘The Heteronormative White Cis Male Patriarchy Privilege Hour of Power‘, but apparently Mike Hosking has trademarked that name.

Best Political Commentator 2019

Neale Jones:To date the mainstream media have had this tendency to put right wing idealogical Rottweilers up against Left wing poodles in panel based debates. The resulting good manners by the poodles and blunt force trauma of the Rottweilers always leaves the impression that the Left need their hand held and a hug afterwards while the Rottweiler is off to the brothel for x-rated team building exercises with social sports team members. Neale Jones, a former Labour Leader insider, has a strong twitter presence and no nonsense push back on bullshit. He is so good he finally makes 9 to noon listenable again.

Worst Political Commentator 2019

Matthew Hooton: Jesus I’m glad he’s behind that bloody Herald paywall where no one reads him. Every single week it’s the same bloody breathless exclamation that this Government is just milliseconds from a snap election or Auckland selling its Port or Winston leaving the coalition to join National or the Auckland Port moving north or Simon Bridges about to become the Prime Minister or the importance of why the Auckland Port needs to move north. Seeing as Hooton’s company donated $10 000 to NZ First who wants to move the Auckland Port north, I’m guessing Matthew personally owns some land north where a Port might go. That’s the jaded cynical conclusion one comes to anytime he says anything. The moment his mouth opens you hear the ka-ching of the cash register, he’s become the boy who cries wolf who just happens to own a company specialising in the eradication of fake wolves. At least when he drank he was fun, this pious philosopher king routine is so tedious I wrote him a poem…

Haiku for a sober warrior poet of the Right

Purity of mind

Adam Smith sobriety 

Move port north invoice

Most triggered Massey University snowflake of the year Award 2019

This year the Emotional Support Peacock goes to…

Gun nuts: They had the fucking audacity to go on TV and actually state that THEY were the real victims of the Christchurch atrocity. That’s right, not the muslims killed and shot or those who witnessed it or the first responders who risked their lives, no THEY as gun owners who had to hand in their bloody machine guns are the real victims. I mean, fucking hell, that sort of level of victimhood should be reserved for Massey University students.

Landlords: The greediest things on the planet. Every single time there was a tiny attempt to make life easier for the poor tenant, out came the Landlords to wail and gnash their teeth that they might have to pay a fraction more from their enormous untaxed capital gains. The sanctimonious pricks even went as far as to threaten they would sell up and leave the rental market altogether to which I say, YES, DO IT YOU FUCKS! A sudden avalanche of rentals all going onto the market at once would crash the over inflated housing bubble and finally allow first time home buyers to enter the market, including many renters.

Boomers: For a generation that gleefully attacks Millennials as snowflakes all the time, ‘ok boomer’ had them in a fit didn’t it?

Look at the age break down in the Corbyn election…

…there is an anger rising within anyone under 45 years of age that will wipe clean the boomer power structures and when it happens, hear the boomers scream. 2023 will be the first time ever in NZ political history when Gen X + Millennials + Gen Y will be a bigger voting block than Boomers.  Their snow white manes of hair, their perfect teeth and deeply relaxed muscle tissue from all those holidays in Bali will make them sweet and soft and delicious.

It’s time to eat the Boomers.

Most Woke self mutilation 2019

Pride Parade: It went from an event that had 30 000 to one that barely had 2500. The woke Pride Parade Board who caused this by banning Police marching in Uniform considered that a great success. Never has alienating Pure Temple politics looked so self defeating.

Woke claiming white people were to blame for Christchurch terrorism: The country was reeling from the Christchurch atrocity and Woke Greens were claiming it was because of micro aggressions being allowed to become macro violence, oh and white people. Jacinda said we were attacked because we were the opposite of what the terrorist wanted, the Woke Greens were saying we all contributed to it. It’s like an anti How to make friends and influence people book that comes with a militant vegan cyclist pamphlet in the letter box after your house has been burnt down.

Free Speech Fiasco: The Woke managed to empower ACT into being a Free Speech champion this year with their constant desire to deplatform, shut down, ban, censor and cancel any speech they puritanically disagreed with. The problem with such an attack on free speech however is the unintended backlash and ACT stand to bring in 3 MPs in 2020.

Best Political Stunt 2019 

Simon Bridges ‘Treasury hack’: When Treasury Womble Gabriel Makhlouf breathlessly told the nation that Treasury had been hacked 2000 times, the planet sat up and took notice at what initially looked like an act of cyber warfare. Turns out the poor boomer couldn’t tell the difference between an attack and a google search spider. Treasury had left the website door open and National exploited it mercilessly. This was the stunt that propelled Bridges from weak leader waiting to be assassinated into political challenger.  Bridges played it for all it was worth and embarrassed the entire Government.

Worst Political Stunt 2019

#turnardern: What sort of spiteful prick has the time and energy to enter bookshops and turn magazines and books of Jacinda around and then have the immature audacity to share that online as if it’s some type of radical political action? Why National Party supporters are tis petty and malicious. The banality of evil laid out in all its provincial charm. These National voters give bookburners a good name.

Most outstanding Politician Award 2019

Jacinda Ardern: The black splinter of my jaded bitter heart beats only when my enemies suffer, but in the case of Jacinda Ardern, her compassion, her leadership during crisis and her ability to project a righteous hope in the face of grief brings tears to my numbed soul. Her ability to heal with her empathy is mocked by the right as if genuine kindness was a weakness deserving of ripping down.

They are maliciously wrong.

Jacinda Ardern has charted her own course and broken a mould that can never limit itself to the emotionally stunted NZ character ever again.

There are plenty of righteous complaints about her domestic policy to date not going fast or far enough, but when this country froze in horror, she stepped up and led. New Zealand is a better nation because of her.

Next up – the TDB Media Awards 2019.

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8 Comments

  2. Genuinely shocked that anyone still reads the vested interest bile Matthew Hooten spews out. His incessant crap on the Trade Me message board via his nom de plume has been more than enough to last 38 life times.

    I recall seeing a meme recently that I felt was unfair but I’m compelled to share it now that I’ve spoken of it. Matthew Hooten was naked on all fours while gripping onto multiple $10 bank notes with his teeth. Standing over Matthew, also naked was Cameron Slater who appeared to be tickling Matthew’s arse with a peacock feather. Laying under Matthew, also naked was none other than an excited Mike Hosking with his mouth wide open making turkey noises.

    I found the meme a tad disturbing but in this day and age, not surprising.

    1. “I found the meme a tad disturbing”

      So why spew that crap over everyone who reads here? Why on the doorstep of what was until this, a great post. Go vomit it elsewhere mate.

  4. We saw one event in different ways. I thought the effort Simon Bridges made to access Treasury information and release it to media before budget day reflected poorly on his character. More so, when this is the same man who went vigilante postal to hunt down the person who released his transport expenses a day or so early. It made him seem a right hypocrite, his poll ratings may still be low because of these two events.

    As to the impoverish, take away rights and then assert coercive state power – which really took off back in the 1990’s (to workers and beneficiaries and dissidents/TI’s), National are back to their old ways on state housing (then they brought in market rents and forced out those who could not pay and offered buy outs who could). This time a plant to expel the undesirables and offer rent at a level to buy to buy (for those who can afford rent at market rate). The faster they expel people the faster they can replace them with those on the waiting list, all while reducing the number of state houses by selling down stock. This is of course of a design to ensure rent to landlords is as high as the tenant can pay.

  6. “New Zealand is a better nation because of her.”

    Totally agree.

    At the end of the previous nine years I felt very disheartened about what was happening to us as a nation. I felt a lot of anger and despair, and did not think that anything could repair that. But Jacinda’s responses to some of these traumas, her love for Aotearoa, her faith in the people of Aotearoa, and just the fact that she is steering us through whatever lies ahead, all restore my own hope for the future. “Thank you Jacinda.”

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