GUEST BLOG: Vanessa Kururangi – Going into Labour

People. It’s 20-fricken-18. Woman work. Women multitask. Women have choices. Women protest. Women celebrate. In New Zealand, women vote. Since the age of time, woman have given birth. I repeat: since the age of time woman have given birth. Some women do all of this and more simultaneously. It is not some new phenomenon.

GET OVER YOUR OPINIONATED SELVES ALREADY!

The recent media frenzy over the announcement of P.M Jacinda Ardern and partner Clarke Gayfords pregnancy was to be expected. The flurry of male dominated commentary and, to be frank, archaic views of a working mother need to be silenced. Immediately.

Open letters to the P.M and her partner offering congratulations are wonderful. Open letters to the P.M offering congratulations alongside a list of unwarranted advice is cringeworthy. She’s the bloody P.M of our country. I’m fairly certain that between the two of them, they’ll figure it out. Give them some credit. They are both strong, capable, intelligent and well supported. They are financially stable. They have their own life experiences, and for a young couple (or any couple) they seem to have their shit together. For goodness sakes, give them a gardamn break.

“…but they are unmarried”. So what’s your point? Religious high horse riders – get your judgemental arses out of that saddle. According to the scriptures you profess to follow, Mary was with child BEFORE she married Joseph so ummmm… you figure it out. The “immaculate conception” of Jesus Christ happened out of wedlock. They also happened to be poor and living in transience, but I’ll save that for another blog. Let’s move on to the next criticism I’ve been reading.

“…she needs to take longer than six weeks maternity leave” and “as long as she hits the ground running when she returns”. Just. Shut. Up. What she needs to do is whatever the heck is best for her. No parent returning back to work (part OR full time) should ever be expected to “hit the ground running”. Let us first of all employ some common sense. Ease up on the pressure. Yes, her job is kind of important. I get that. But no one who has ever supported a human life in exiting their body will expect another to “hit the ground running” on their return to paid employment. I’m not suggesting we lower our expectations, but rather up our understanding and compassion. And also, get real about what it’s like to be a returning-to-paid-employment Mum. I would say “parent” but in reality, the other parent doesn’t need to physically heal as the birthing parent does. It’s no fun trying to “hit the ground running” if one has stitches holding your hoohaa together, or if your milk has come in and your nipples are cracked beyond recognition or you’re bleeding and… too graphic? Welcome to the realities of child birth. Whether she comes back in six weeks or six months – it’s none of our freaken business. Do you, Jacinda. It’s your choice and you will find your stride when your body and mind is good and ready.

Parenthood is an all consuming, anxiety filled, joyous, hard, rewarding state to be in. If they (Jacinda and Clarke) want her to take six weeks parental leave, that’s their choice. And if they change their minds and she takes more or less, again, that’s their choice. And we should just shut up about it.

Oh, and to those uppity nosed snobs who insist that it’s the woman’s job to raise the children… middle finger to you. To those who are making digs that Clarke is “whipped” for a decision that presumably they made together about who would be the primary caregiver for their child – I am imagining you breathless from a throat punch I’ve swiftly administered to your ugly adams apple.

I once had an interesting korero with a staunch, longtime friend and environmental activist about the traditional role parents. He commented “well you know, some of the staunchest warriors were also the most gentle parents… they would be in battle one day, then playing, swimming, feeding and rocking their babies to sleep the next”. With this in mind, leave Clarke alone. He’s not “whipped”. He’s actually awesome. Praise be to all of the involved, supportive Dads out there. We need more males like him to rolemodel what healthy, equal, diverse, flourishing relationships and parenthood can look like. In my view, masculinity is enhanced, not diminished by one’s ability to be unapologetically loving, caring and paternal. He is in a privileged position. THEY are in a privileged position. That they are even able to have the discussion of how much time off paid employment they should have, which one of them will be a stay at home parent, how long this arrangement will last, etc etc are not discussions afforded to every family. I would also venture to presume that any plans for the care and upbringing of their child is based on the presumption that they are experiencing a fairly normal pregnancy and have a healthy, typically developing child boarding in her womb… that there will be no delivery complications, and they will not be affected by the onset of postpartum depression. That her boobs are not going to develop their own agenda and administer an agonising dose of mastitis (imagine our P.M attending an event and being asked “who are you wearing” only to be answered with “cabbage leaves. I’m wearing cabbage leaves”). Disclaimer: I’m not suggesting that she should breastfeed. Her body, her choice. So zip it. My point is that when children are involved, anything can happen. From the commentary I’ve been hearing, right wing New Zealanders and those who still retain 18th century views of child rearing would be wise to prepare themselves for this so they don’t lose their shit if it happens.

Politically, our P.M has been criticised for “withholding” the knowledge of her pregnancy during coalition negotiations. For all of the woman who don’t disclose that they are hapu for fear of being (even more) discriminated against, I applaud her. If they don’t ask, don’t tell. Like many, many females working in patriarchal dominated spaces are not downtrodden enough. Also, lets not forget they would have only just been told of their successful conception at this time. Most people I know keep this news to themselves in the early weeks of pregnancy for obvious reasons – if you can get as far through the first trimester  with as few people as possible knowing – more power to you. This is an intimate, personal, and (pregnancy wise) critical time. A time during your child’s development where you have a chance to just let it all sink in, before the bump gives you away and puts you in an awkward situation… and lets be honest – children are simply masters of creating awkward situations! So again, stop with the criticisms of how Jacinda and Clarke’s wonderful secret could have changed the outcome of coalition negotiations. If anything, it may have secured the deal with New Zealand First a lot quicker – Winston would have known he’d be guaranteed at least a portion of his time in parliament as *acting* Prime Minister of New Zealand – of course he would want to job share the shit out of that offer. Besides, he could be equally accused of going into coalition negotiations with National and not revealing his intentions of suing them for leaking personal information about his pension. So pot/kettle and all that.

On another political note, I must confess that I dearly hope they want their child to be bi-lingual in both te reo Māori and English. How great would that be. The empty heads of racists everywhere would explode.

I’m sure that once the europhic celebrations of the impending arrival settles, we will be subjected to the ongoing spittle of political couch critics. They’ll dribble their negativity all over their remote controls as they nod in brainless agreement with the right wing dominated narratives that will pollute our soapboxes as vaccination and fluoride debates rage, and ignoramus idiots think they have a right to comment on their choice of baby name. Urgh. Painful. These are the same people who would have you evicted from public transport (or in our P.M’s case – a Crown Limo) for daring to nourish a child with ones breasts. Haters.

To our P.M Jacinda Ardern and Clarke Gayford – a huge congratulations. I wish you extra hours of sleep, a magical cure for teething pain, and a headlice free childhood for your babe. You got this. We got you. Let’s do this.