Dr Liz Gordon: How I won the election (in the voice of Donald Trump)

The following is an absolutely truthful account of the systems Trump has used (and will use) to try and secure a second term. Note it is, to an extent, also a timeline.

Folks, there’s no need at all to spend all that time and money campaigning to elect the President of the United States.  No.  Make your voting system work for you and you can always win. Here is my infallible guide to winning elections, and how I won the 2020 election.

1. Limit voting opportunities to maximise votes for me

First, stop everyone who is in prison or in other institutions from voting.  They are all mad and vote Democrat, which proves they are mad. The poor often don’t vote so reinforce that by making it as hard as possible for them, physically and psychologically.  Don’t do anything to stop the Covid 19.  Some will die, others stay at home to protect themselves. All of this is good.

Oh yes and start purveying the message that if I don’t win the election, it will be because of Democrat fraud.

 

2. Make sure people who would vote against me don’t vote

Stop this obscenity of mail-in voting.  Every one of these suckers is fraud! If people cannot walk on their own two feet and queue for hours then they should not be allowed to vote. Oh yes, and make sure that there are few voting stations, mainly located in wealthy areas. And make it rain for those who have to wait two, three or four hours to make their vote. Make sure the Proud Boys are there with their guns. No shooting, mind, but plenty of fear.

Remember to say with absolute certainty that, in a fair election, Donald Trump will win.

 

3. Tell everyone (and repeat) that if I don’t win, the election will be fraudulent

This is absolutely crucial.  When I went in on one of my famous real estate deals, I first made sure the neighbourhood was run down, rents were low and there was a high crime rate.  I would offer the clean it all up.  What I am saying is that you have got to lay the groundwork.  Every vote from a Democrat was a fraud, every vote for me was absolutely right.  Everybody loves me.  I am the best President ever.

 

4. After voting, allege fraud in voting and counting in every ‘swing’ state

The election outcome was stolen by fraud.  In particular, millions of votes were changed by those voting machines, partisan counters and just fraud, fraud, fraud all the way.  Stop the steal.  We are in particular concentrating on six stolen states. We will bring evidence of fraud so huge that the results will be overturned. Fraud, remember that.

 

5. Use the courts to change the outcomes by recounts and removing bundles of votes

Dead people voted, bundles of votes were stolen, others put in instead. The voting machines were tampered with by Hugo Chavez, who has been dead for years but we all know that Venezuelan Commies live forever.  We have filed 51 court cases and are losing them all.  The courts are corrupt. Rudy Giuliani is a champion.

 

6. Appeal

Now you know why I spent so much time stacking the Supreme Court. It’s payoff time big, honey.  I won this election and that is how my colleagues will see it too.  They have turned me down? WHATTTT??  The traitors!  Stop the steal. Oh well, I still have a trick or two up my sleeve.

 

7. Ask States to put Trump electors onto the College even though Biden won the state

Well, you know we have this electoral college thing here in the USA. Each state puts a number of people forward (by size of state) to vote on 14 December. But in those six states where the vote was stolen, the politicians must intervene and ensure the College is made up of Trump voters.  Stop the steal! Voter fraud!  I won!  The popular vote is wrong, those states are mine. Oh No.  The Electoral College voted for Biden. Fraud!

 

8. Bring in the mighty state of Texas!

The mighty state of Texas brought forth a case to disallow the votes of four states at the electoral college – enough to give me the win.  The Supreme Court (boy I regret putting my people on that, they have gone rogue) decided that Texas did not have standing to demand that four other states lose their right to participate in the election of a President.  Those jelly-legged, lily-livered cowards!

 

9. Direct action

Well, I am being forced to use my Executive powers to seize the paraphernalia of voter fraud.  I have lots of options. Bring in the military, impound the voter machines.  I WILL be President for the next four years.  I won.  It’s not fair.  I might appeal directly to the Supreme Court, ‘cos they love me. Everybody loves me.

 

10. Payback day – January 6

On January 6th, Congress meets to ratify the votes and, I tell you now, Congress is not gonna ratify the vote – they are going to chuck out this fraudulent election and declare me, ME!, the re-elected President of the US of A.  Make America Great Again!

 

11. Just keep on being President.

But if that fails, well I tell you what – I am going to set up an alternative presidency. And, let me tell you, Mar-a-lago is a much prettier place than that ugly old white house.  We are going to rule from Florida and, come 2024, I will be back, even as if I never left.

Happy New Year, everyone!

 

Dr Liz Gordon is a researcher and a barrister, with interests in destroying neo-liberalism in all its forms and moving towards a socially just society.  She usually blogs on justice, social welfare and education topics.