The electorate has spoken, and apparently it has said, ‘This potato headed meat sack is our new Prime Minister and we all lose’!

The election turned out like this…

…as the dust settles and the Specials tell us National and ACT will be forced to work with NZ First, let’s look back over a wild election campaign that turned into a grudge fuck.

BEST

Best Election Interview: Rebecca Wright – NewsHub Nation

No one watches NewsHub Nation which is a shame because I think the best interview the entire election was with Rebecca Wright destroying Christopher Luxon in a train wreck interview that highlighted just how much he is a stupid boofhead. Like really thick. It is an indictment on how bad Labour were hated by the electorate that Luxon was able to get elected after this interview.

Best Election Interviewer: Moana Maniapoto – Te Ao with Moana, Māori TV

The most fascinating insights into our politicians was done by Moana on Māori TV. Her David Seymour interview, Chippy interview, Winston interview, Māori Party and Green Party interviews were all brilliant and produced surprising interchanges that were unique and human and deep. Moana’s skill as a broadcaster is built on her intelligence and empathy. She produces what Seven Sharp and The Project should be doing if they weren’t dumbed down crass vehicles for advertisers. That Chris Luxon refused to appear speaks volumes about him as a leader. Imagine if Te Ao was primetime TVNZ and how much this kind of broadcasting could have shaped the debate?

Best Meme: 

Best Debate: Paddy Gower

He asked questions that forced the Leaders to adapt their rhetoric into everyday examples. Watching Luxon argue he would send in paramilitary police to start a riot at Gang funerals should never ever be forgotten. When Luxon said he didn’t know Winston Peters, Paddy yelled, ‘Everyone knows Winston’. Here’s another person Luxon doesn’t know…

Best Media Cheerleader – Ryan Bridges, AM Show

Look. I’m just going to make an assumption that Ryan Bridges has recently purchased a house, because his gleeful Cheerleading of anything to do with the value of property and mortgage rates seems deeply personal. You feel like he now has very firm views on capital gains tax. He’s like a poor Mike Hosking. Ryan is 3 months away from being the face of a new property app that helps Millennials get the best mortgage rate.

Best Debate Season – The Working Group

You know it!

And here is the best actual online Journalism site in NZ saying it!

A plaudit, too, to a partisan and non-media body: The Taxpayers’ Union. While it delights in provocative mischief and some personalised political attacks, during this campaign it funded and held multiple campaign debates, live-streamed, and conducted polls by a reputable pollster, Curia, for a clutch of key electorate races. The events and the polls added to the life of this campaign.

Again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

Worst Media Moment: Winston threatening Jack Tame

Winston had no costings for his prison promises and decided to lash out at Jack and ended up threatening his job? Winston claimed a conspiracy against him and that Jack was somehow involved with attempting to end NZ First. I was waiting for Winston to start demanding to know who Q was and why is there a secret dungeon inside TVNZ.

We are so fucked.

Best Answer – Shane Jones, Northland Debate 

At one point during our raucous Northland debate,  Matt King asked me why did I keep calling his party a ‘Conspiracy Theory Party’ to which I yelled at him, ‘because I went on your website, read your policy and you are a fucking Conspiracy Theory Party’.

I then turned to the audience and said, ‘There, I said it to your face Northland!’.

The denial of climate change and Covid was bewilderingly deep in Northland and I could barely hear the hatred spat at Willow-Jean over the duelling banjos.

As the debate ended, Shane Jones leaned into me and whispered, “They may not vote red mate, but their necks certainly are”.

He laughed.

I laughed.

And we both died on the inside.

Best question: Does Chris Luxon believe in Dinosaurs?

Of course Chris believes in Dinosaurs.

WORST

Worst Fundraising idea – Pole-dancing for the Green Party

Ummmm…

…can we pay her not to?

Worst Answer – Luxon’s claim of a $60 a week shopping bill

Luxon claimed during one of the debates that he spent $60 a week on grocery shopping which seemed so weird and produced a flurry of news stories trying to ascertain what the hell he was eating that cost a mere $60 a week. In the above photo he has spent half his weekly supermarket spend. It was obvious he was pointlessly lying when he said he only spent $60 a week, like the way he lied about his wife gaining the Tesla subsidy while he was raging against it. For Chris these little white lies are a means to gloss over issues so one can move ahead positively. You know, like a middle management grasper who gains CEO promotion through sheer toadying.

Worst twitter temper tantrum – Chris Bishop

Look, if I had run the National Party campaign as poorly as Chris, I’d be throwing temper tantrums too, but this one which was so easily proven wrong by the media who invited everyone felt like a new low even for Chris…

…Bishop acted like a teenage tantrum for most of National’s disastrous campaign, and kept attacking things like a dog chasing parked cars. For a 40 year old, his gaunt bitter appearance has aged him, I can’t work out if it’s nicotine or being in the National Party.

Worst Race Baiting – Simeon Brown 

The more I see of Simeon Brown, the more I dislike him…

…Simeon gets sadistic kicks out of race baiting about da gangs da gangs as if he’s some tough guy. His misrepresentation of the engagement with gangs and his virgin moralism marks him either as an idiot, a liar or a sociopath. Personally I wouldn’t be surprised at all if he was caught with a huge number of unexplained children’s shoes under his house.

Worst Campaign – Liz Gunn, Brian Tamaki and the antivaxx movement

Liz Gunn got her list in late so she had no party list beyond 3 names. Getting your paperwork in to start your political movement is kinda 101 stuff and that she cocked it all up so magnificently at the first hurdle is as funny as it is pitiful. At this stage, I just think she needs some mental health intervention because this was never rational and was always unhinged.

Tamaki has gloriously screamed at ‘gutless Christians’ for his poor polling, but seeing as God tells those Christians who to vote for, isn’t Brian’s fury at the Lord rather than his vassals, and if that is the case, has God turned on Brian? Thoughts and Prayers.

The wider more feral Antivaxx conspiracy vote went nowhere…

…and only found solace in NZFirst who has given them political voice.

Thank god these narcissistic egos are so toxic they can’t work together and were eclipsed by the greatest Ego of them all, Winston Peters.

Worst Neighbourhood Watch 

Cross burning race crime or friendly bumbling pakeha bloke wanting to pat on the head to a young Māori Party candidate? Who can say? What would be nice is for Māori to be able to wander through pakeha private property with the same gleeful abandon.

Worst Election Stunt – Luxon in pirate costume

What the fuck was he doing? Fighting for Colonialism?

Worst Interviewer – Simon Shepard – Newshub Nation

Simon started the interview by launching into David, and the skill, ease and total destruction of David’s counterattack was so devastating that I felt tempted to call the Police to report an assault.

It was a reminder of just how skilful Seymour can be and why the Left were foolish to underestimate him.

Luckily for Simon no one watches NewsHub Nation.

Conclusion:

This election wasn’t won, it was bought by private interests manipulating your anger at post Covid bitterness.

I’m not pissed that the Right won, that’s democracy, I’m pissed they won with such vapid and venal policy!

This knee jerk crap alongside counterproductive punitive measures alongside Real Estate Lobbyist wet dreams combine to vandalize the Egalitarian State

Taking from the poor to give to the rich ain’t my bag baby and we are a collectively worse nation for this outcome

The only thing that warms the cynical black splinter of what is left of my heart is the thought of Winston, Seymour and Luxon all having to work together.

If that’s ‘winning’, losing don’t feel so bad

If you thought Labour were awful, after 3 years of this National/ACT/NZ First nightmare, you will be screaming for Covid to make a come back!

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