It’s the end of the year, I’ve finished all my work, let’s finish with a little political rudeness.

If NZ Political Parties were sexual positions, (I also do children’s parties and bar mitzvahs.)

LABOUR:

Very straight, very vanilla, especially the gay sex. They would call it missionary position but their anti-colonisation work shop sub committee banned that.

No one orgasms, they just cuddle and talk about it, like Kiwibuild and reducing child poverty.

NZ FIRST:

NZ First MPs are so old they only have sex once a year while balancing on their walking frames.

Require a pack of cigarettes as foreplay.

Winston is like an octogenarian on viagra, a stiff old prick no one wants.

NATIONAL:

National MPs are such arseholes, they technically can only do sodomy.

Require Mike Hosking to be playing in the background as foreplay.

Their position is a perpetual doggy style so they can keep an eye on their rental properties valuations.

ACT:

ACT Party MPs are such wankers they have to be wankers because their self interest makes having sex with another person impossible.

ACT MPs  masturbate furiously while looking at themselves in the mirror.

They cry out ‘Milton Friedman’ at orgasm.

MĀORI PARTY:

Not so much a sexual position as much as a masochistic ritual.

All members stand in a corner self mutilating themselves while yelling, “It’s all John Tamihere’s fault”.

They do a haka at the end.

GREENS:

Whatever position it is, the woman is ALWAYS on top.

“De-colonisation’ is their safe word.

They cry out ‘all heteronormative sex is a hate crime’ at orgasm.

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