I am always giddy with excitement and terror when I get to the domestic terminal of Wellington.
Part of me is so thrilled to be finally leaving Wellington (because I detest it so deeply), but part of me is terrified that the Wellington domestic terminal ‘security’ will fuck my day up so how.
It’s like the last chance a Wellingtonian can screw you over and they relish the opportunity.
EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. TIME. I have run ins with Wellington domestic ‘security’ staff.
As far as I am concerned they are jumped up parking wardens on meth with way too much power.
Every time I go through Wellington domestic security there is some bullshit problem that requires ‘extra attention’. I never get this shit at any other terminal in the country, so I assume it’s just something innately to do with people from Wellington.
They know that once you are through, they as Wellingtonians can’t make your life any more difficult so they put on the performance art and ensure they do.
Gloriously I haven’t been through Wellington domestic terminal since Covid broke out, but I had to go down to film 2 episodes of the Working Group in October. Based on my previous experiences with the security parking wardens, I turned up nice and early so I could just cruise through domestic terminal security with no problems.
I take my computer out of my bag (why the fuck do we have to do that – isn’t it a fucking XRAY machine) and place my bag on top of my laptop. The goon at the security bench barked that I had to take my computer out of my bag, I tell the stupid goon it is out of my bag before being confronted by this new monstrosity – the naked photo taking scanner that is there to ‘keep us safe’.
I’m asked if I want to go through the naked scanner to catch my flying bus or be patted down by some minimum wage goon.
What the fuck?
I’m already over this and just agree to step in and have a naked scan taken just to get to the promised land of Auckland, so I begrudgingly agree and have my naked scan taken.
THEN another jumped up little self important parking warden informs me I have to be patted down.
WHAT THE FUCK?
Why the fuck am I being patted down? That was the offer made when I walked in, either take the invasive naked photo of yourself OR be patted down by a minimum wage goon.
Now I’m being told by the jumped up staff that after having the naked can, I must also be patted down???
At this point I’m livid so I agree to being patted down while speaking very loudly to the jumped up little staff member (and the slowly building group of people behind me) how lucky we all are as Kiwis to have brave terrorist hunters like them keeping as all safe, I’m asking is this is a sexual fetish of theirs to pat strangers down and I’m loudly wandering if this is the best use of our precious tax dollars.
The person patting me down is blushing intensely and stops touching me as I get louder.
I am here to leave Wellington, not get a non consul hand job.
As this finishes I’m turning to collect my bag and laptop but my loud response articulating what a waste of fucking time this naked photo scanner is and why the Christ am I being touched by staff has clearly annoyed the other jumped up parking wardens and my luggage has been ‘selected’ for a search.
At this point I am becoming opening abusive.
I demand to know what happens if I tell the parking warden to fuck off and not search my bag.
I am informed I can’t fly if I don’t agree to this invasion of my property.
I’m so over this fucking thing now I just agree and they pull out their gloves and search my bag.
I’m mouthing off loudly to the jumped up parking warden about what a huge waste of time this is and ask if isn’t there a cheaper way to employ Wellingtonians.
He searches my entire bag and finds a lighter which is apparently the justification for this and I’m told to put the lighter in my pocket. Which is weird because if I was going to start a fire, wouldn’t keeping it in my pocket be more dangerous than in my bag?
There is a large hold up now behind me because I always feel that if Airport security are going to waste my time, it’s important to reciprocate and move as slowly as possible to slow the whole thing down.
The jumped up Wellington Parking Warden sarcastically thanks me for my patience, I tell him to go fuck himself loudly, there are some laughs amongst those who are being held up.
I finally get through Wellington domestic security and catch my flight home.
24 hours later I tested for Covid that I caught in Wellington.
Fuck I hate Wellington.
This experience was foremost in my mind with recent news stories of the quiet militarisation of our Airports.
Air NZ joyfully told Kiwis last month they have set up face recognition software to help the Americans have access to our personal information while these fucking naked scanners are being rolled out across the country.
All at a time when our terror threat has been dropped down.
On top of this we now hear Police are using bullshit reasons to illegally stop and search anyone they think is suspicious at an Airport.
The danger is that if we don’t push back on needless militarisation of Air Ports, this shit seeps out into other public areas. How long before Police try to have drug dogs or under cover cops on public transport, face recognition software spying on us and ever intrusive invasions of our personal property and our personal space?
The only solution as I see it is to mouth off and abuse these petty tyrants whenever they attempt to enforce stupid and hopefully if enough of us abuse staff, they’ll back down.
Don’t put up with this petty bullshit.
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A bad day indeed MB
How is this even legal what the actual fuck.
You can get on a plane for Nelson in Auckland and no one searches anything.
Yep, Wellington explains why all flights quickly get out of schedule. I was busted for an aging Phillips screwdriver I forgot was in my bag. Oh the delight the polo shirt wearing bag searcher had with tricky questions, and then the big reveal, aha!!!, what’s this then guvnor? It’s a screw driver you creep, why? They are forbidden! It was like I was snapped sneaking an Iranian drone on with my carry on. And who cares if an aircraft was delayed burning up jet fuel as a result?
Apparently I could appeal it’s confiscation. I’m probably now on a SIS watchlist as a result.
Morons!
If you fly to any regional airport out of Wellington you don’t go through security either
Only for jet passengers:
The great irony here is that in fact any self respecting terrorist would happily pick the Whangarei – Auckland flight – no airport security of the pat down your privates there. (Of course of the chances of being put on a broken down bus to Akld airport is exceedingly high – perhaps that is the security plan B for provincial airports.)
The irony is any self respecting terrorists would choose the no pat down of privates Whangarei Auckland flight (though they would have to save up for it.) Of course there is the problem of the substitute bus half the time – not nearly so effective as a cockpit takeover. Still, less chance of being blown out of the sky. (Forgot – no airforce fighters.)
Last time I flew out of Wellington, I forgot to take my Gerber multi-tool off my belt and only realized after I’d checked my baggage in. Fortunately I got that sorted out before interacting with the local goons, so didn’t get it confiscated, but I was pretty annoyed about having to do that. I didn’t take off my boots at the metal detector and the goons got quite pissy. They made me do the body scanner and searched my carry-on bag. Of course I could have refused permission, but that generally means you aren’t allowed to fly. Interestingly, they also opened and searched my checked luggage. Won’t have found anything too interesting though.
So yes, they are a bunch of jumped up little goons, but they do have the power to screw you over more than you can effect them (unless of course you get their name and put in an anonymous tip saying they’ve been helping smuggle drugs & weapons through the airport, which given some of the arrests at Auckland Airport, could be possible, then they get to be on the receiving end of their own petty treatment, but of course I’d never do that, because that would be wrong 😉 ).
I was going to say that it’s not fair to lambast the goon who is only “doing their job”. But after considering that for, um, 5 seconds I decided that it probably is. Get a real job you goats. And someone should ask why Wellington alone amongst the regional airports? Is it because all the politicians fly in and out so often?
indeed it’s their sub moronic level of intelligence and inability to understand language that irks but of course that’s a job requirement they don’t exist to stop terrorism but to reenforce that a mall cop has more power than you.
I fly a lot. So I’m pretty efficient with getting through, and not carrying anything, which triggers the airport Gestapo.
But earlier this year, I went Akl-Chch-Queenstown, same day, same bag, same contents. Only time it was opened was to get my laptop from an external sleeve.
Departing Queenstown back to Chch, and my bag gets diverted for inspection. It’s a complex piece of luggage with compartments for everything, zips everywhere.
So I politely ask the guy “what are you looking for, I’ll tell you where you can find it.”
He’s a friendly guy, tells me; “I’m not sure the scanner doesn’t tell us what or why, we just have to search it”.
So he unzips it, and just spreading my cloths all over a table. At this point, my short fuse gets ignited. I start fuming internally.
I said to him, “surely you must know what you’re looking for? You can’t just open up peoples bags for no reason and spread the contents out for all to see?”
As my underwear are sitting on top. Fortunately a clean pair; not an inside out dirty pair! Or a BFD tee shirt. No raised voice, no swearing, cursing or ranting;
I just asked him, what I thought was a fairly valid question. I then said, “it’s odd because I’ve been through the Auckland and Christchurch security with the same bag and contents, no problem.”
All this time a perfectly civil conversation between two adults.
At his point his fearless leader Heinrich Himmler decides he’s needed. He comes goosesteps over, stands so close to me we’re practically chest to chest nose to nose.
Asks me in a hyper aggressive manner, “what’s your problem”
I said “I don’t have a problem; other than you standing in my personal space, do you mind moving back” This seems wind him up more. He started ranting about how they’re just doing their job. I need to stop harassing “his staff”.
I replied, “I’m not harassing anyone, I simply asked what he was looking for, so I could assist him to find it.” “And would you mind stepping back, I don’t believe you need to be involved.”
Whole time the other guys quietly rifling through my bag.
He then said “if I don’t like the process or rules, it’s very simple, I can take my bag and head back out the way I came, and find another way home”
Now, moved from simmering on the inside, to close to boiling. Up to this point, I’d been calm. But the fuckem attitude took over.
So I called him a jumped up little fuckwit, with his face barely 100mm from mine. (Downhill on a 45 deg angle) I told him we don’t live in Nazi Germany, and despite the fact you think you’re in the Gestapo, you’re nothing more than a loser, who couldn’t pass the IQ test to get into the police force. At this this stage his embarrassed sidekick, who’d done nothing wrong, and was just doing his job had repacked my bag, finding nothing of interest, and said I was good to go.
So I grabbed it, turned my back on him, and walked off.
I was half by expecting problems next time, thinking perhaps the have facial recognition software and I’ll be black flagged and cavity searched. But no issues since.
Finally shout to the chch security, I reckon they’re the best, 99% of them are great.
While I agree with your complaints I suspect that the logic behind the lighter is that if it causes harm in the baggage hold for some reason there is no way to stop the damage while if it is used in the passenger area people are around to put any fire out. It’s possible it could also be ignorant security staff wanting to stuff up your day as well though.
People tend to notice when the lighter in their pocket starts a fire, no so much when it’s in the hold.
9/11: the gift that keeps on giving.
Try hijacking a plane these days with just a box cutter (or one of those high-powered, semi-automatic, assault nail clippers that the monkeys on the security screening are so keen to confiscate) and you will probably end up very dead. Anything less than a pistol and a real bomb/hand grenade really isn’t going to cut it when the most likely outcome is bringing the plane down rather than everyone gets a free, unscheduled holiday in Beirut or Iran.
Hilarious – but too true too.
I sympathise Martyn and am grateful for the heads up about the naked scanner (haven’t flown for a few years) but you know I have to say that in these situations “Put Up and Shut UP’ is pretty much always the quickest and less egregious way of dealing with jobs Worths no matter how outrageous their demands. They are always spiteful when provoked so make like a sheep next time.
Also, you are probably on somebody’s blacklist somewhere (Kitteridge probably has a list with your name on it) so that’s why they decided on the pat down.
It’s a completely fucked system. I don’t know a fellow Muslim man who _hasn’t_ been pulled aside for ‘random screening’ coming into New Zealand recently- coming soon to all domestic flights.
Meanwhile in New Zealand, record numbers of assault nail clippers, combat scissors, armour-peircing screwdrivers & Swiss Army battle knives are being confiscated..
http://www.stuff.co.nz/travel/travel-troubles/300768487/record-number-of-guns-found-at-us-airport-checkpoints?cid=app-android
Martyn, I guess you aren’t the only one being annoyed & writing about this issue…
http://www.stuff.co.nz/opinion/130771899/damien-grant-the-absurdity-of-airport-security-screening?cid=app-android
Oh dear. First world problems. I’ve always had unfortunate experiences flying through Australia. Them Aussies really like patting, squeezing, feeling, touching, fingering, probing or fiddling while no doubt looking for contraband Koala’s in one’s budgie smugglers.
If you can, fart. No one wants to fondle a farter.