Alarmingly the Fed said on Friday morning that they had acted too late to avoid a hard landing and that 75 points was back on the agenda just as Orr is about to make his decision impacting the 60% of Kiwis resetting their mortgages this year while inflation explodes, the Stock market collapses, Putin’s war increasingly is pointing to a tactical nuke on the battlefield while Ukrainian wheat prices are set to cause mass starvation as conflicts erupt around a planet that is rapidly burning and at risk of collapse.
So I decided to tune into the bastions of 7pm current affairs in NZ, Seven Sharp and The Project, to see how the great and good of 7pm current affairs were navigating the swarms of circling Black Swans.
Now, I have to hand on heart tell you all that I never watch Seven Sharp or The Project because I have a basic reading age, don’t consider ZM or The Edge entertainment and I have an internet connection, but large swathes of our population tune in at 7pm to worship at the altars of lite infotainment and I thought I’d choose the Friday episodes to review so I can see what the masses are thinking about.
I’m left wondering what the fuck the masses are thinking about.
Seven Sharp is up. We all love Hills’ and Jeremy. He’s forever pulling private school funny faces and she’s forever handing out sick burns on Twitter, so I’m looking forward to their insights on Ukrainian wheat prices and the existential malaise of late stage capitalism.
I was to be disappointed.
The first story was about how cold Winter is feeling this year.
I’m not kidding.
There is one question about the future without talking about the future.
The Climate crisis and its catastrophic impacts are not mentioned. Fingers are apparently crossed for a good ski season.
Then there is a story about punctuation.
I’m not kidding.
A full stop is now considered a passive aggressive micro aggression against easily triggered millennials.
Fucking shoot me in the mouth now.
There is then a discussion on the most used emojis.
I’m not kidding.
War, Famine, Plague and Death, the four horsemen of the Apocalypse stalk the geopolitical horizon and Seven Sharp are talking about how to use emojis without coming across as passive aggressive.
I’ve never prayed for a napalm strike the way I did watching this.
Hills’ is embarrassed she is using uncool emojis.
Women’s Rugby is the next story and we all have to love Womens Rugby even if we don’t give a fuck about mens rugby.
The poor children of Stewart Island were all asked if they knew the name of the Women’s Rugby Team and none of them did which helped you as the viewer to appreciate the sound of all that taxpayer money to send a TVNZ crew and entire Women’s Rugby PR Team to a school-on-the-furthest-away-Island-that-didn’t-know-who-they-were going down the gurgler as you gasp at the unbelievable price of a third placed Seven Sharp story.
How is the budget gold plated for this insipid watery mediocrity?
Next story is about a life saving club that needs the salt of the earth local community to roll up its sleeves and help rebuild it blah blah blah. No mention of the fact that it’s climate change that is destroying the coastline and this surf club, oh no, just salt of the earth local community to roll up its sleeves and help rebuild it blah blah blah.
Then there’s a cat competition.
Again, I wish to Christ I was joking, but no, there’s a cat competition.
I am of the belief that there should be a special place in hell reserved for producers who put cat competitions on current affairs shows. It’s pornographic crack cocaine to every lonely person in the country sold by News pimps hustling for an emotional manipulation for ratings.
In this hell they are forced to watch Fox News while hooked up to car batteries.
So, winter is cold while ignoring the climate crisis, full stops trigger millennials, no one at Stewart Island knew the name of the Womens rugby team who had flown in to visit them, surf club needs rebuilding despite the climate crisis eroding the coast and a cat competition, that’s the broad horizon of the intellectually uncurious as championed by the State broadcaster?
Ok, The Project now.
How is it more ghastly than Seven Sharp?
I recognise the 37th funniest Auckland comedian Jeremy Corbett, the poor mans Wallace Chapman, Jesse Mulligan and, I have no idea who the other two are.
How many hosts does this show have?
The main story is a shut in who has bright lights from the school shining into his shack.
How is there a live audience for this?
Who the Christ gets up and says, “You know what, I’d like to sit in on the most dull and pedestrian current affairs show in the country thanks”.
There’s a Dancing with the Stars advertorial and an interview with some pop stars.
This is The Edge with pictures if it was set in Australia, not Melbourne Australia, more Tasmania Australia.
It’s like on The Project, the planet isn’t burning, there’s no suffering and being wilfully ignorant is a pleasant numbness.
Watching The Project is like being asphyxiated, a creeping blankness that you give into.
It’s like both shows are current affairs for coma patients, the elderly, Christian families and those suffering from Fetal alcohol syndrome.
I had no idea it was honestly this dumb.
I think I understand why the debate is so infantile in this country.
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