GUEST BLOG: Gerard Otto – Time to Panic National

 

Emergency workers rushed to the scene of the tragedy and Mike Hosking was bundled up onto the stage before the frightened mob, of elite, very wealthy, ideologically fixated National supporters.

The crowd of privileged nation wreckers, dribbled with fear about the latest poll and the smell of shit running down their legs into their blue socks was rife.

Hosking lifted his giant head on his tiny shoulders and bellowed in a booming voice like a canary in a microwave.

“There’s no need to panic, it’s just a rogue poll”

The crowd was not appeased.

“But Honest Bill was on 47% once”, said a terrified owner of 17 properties, unable to sleep for fear of a capital gains tax.

The fear of a fair tax system caused some to break down and sob, others ran and hid under enormous bank accounts, while still others gathered their belongings and fled for tax havens.

“Calm the fuck down, where is your courage” – shouted the scarlet pimpernel Hosking, knower of all things, man of the century.

A voice so high and mighty it could never be dethroned by public petition as long as the faithful audience still lapped up his spin.

“It’s one poll and the last one was in May” he snarled in defiance at the lost sheep.

One poll.

A rogue poll.

Long ago.

It was all just a bad dream.

Some National supporters took comfort in these words, after-all, one cannot really believe there could be a viable trend over such distant data points?

Newshub had indeed been avoiding polls ever since Simon Bridges had risen to demonstrate how he was such an embarrassment for National.

The official reason for not performing this democratic function was money and polls were expensive – but only fools and goblins believed that.

Hosking lifted his massive head once more and cried,

“Even if its accurate, one poll does not a spill make”

Hosking was referring to Simon Bridges leadership and how being the most unpopular Leader of the Opposition in decades does not really mean anything if only one poll says it is so.

Nobody would stab Simon in the back over one rogue poll.

Judith said she was not interested.

“It’s still ages until the election”, Hosking reminded the dribblers.

But it was almost half way there – and things were getting worse not better.

“Leadership spills have a history of further weakening your credibility. Ask Labour about that”, remonstrated Hosking looking far across the horizon like Napoleon before Waterloo.

And so it was that one week ago the giant herd of frightened National Voters were calmed into thinking there was no need to panic.

It was just a bad dream, a rogue poll.

But emergency workers in the press did not rest.

Another poll was in motion – and it would be published in a week’s time.

The Colmar Brunton Poll.

Polsters were voting.

They were voting between the 9th and 13th February – which meant there were three days to influence the result.

A massive campaign to undermine PM Jacinda Ardern and the Coalition Government sprung into action on Monday the 11th February.

China was a big problem – was the brief.

China, China, China was all that we heard for three solid days.

Or was it Choyna?

Doesn’t matter.

It was spin, false, fake news – and the politicised press had an urgent spin job to do.

The message had to be broadcast in every headline between Monday and Wednesday last week while the polling was being taken.

Barry Soper was first to state that the relationship with China was all but over on Monday.

Newshub announced the relationship was terrible simultaneously.

The blame was all Jacinda’s for letting Winston run amok – according to the rescue campaign messaging that spread all across the MSM.

Audrey Young did her part – writing furiously how things were suddenly a diplomatic mess.

The press ignored Air New Zealand’s explanation for a plane being turned around.

Fran O’Sullivan was dragged from her icrecream and jelly to write that Tourism from China was dead now and it was all the government’s fault. Sort this out she wailed waving a big ice-cream stick.

Meanwhile Peter Goodfellow’s ( National Party president ) pet company Sanford’s made loud noises – about an isolated issue they had allegedly experienced on a dock in China in order to create more headlines.

Commentators rushed to agree one isolated incident spelt an industry wide trade problem.

A member of the China New Zealand Council was dragged out to say that a newspaper in China had said not to come to New Zealand.

The press referred to his opinion while ignoring official statements.

Everyone on the National team were all hands to pump while the Colmar Brunton poll was underway for those three days last week.

Surely all this work must have pulled back National from the brink – by at least 4%?

After a week of unashamedly ignoring all the data to the contrary, and all the official statements to the contrary on both sides of the New Zealand/ China relationship – there was now some reason to expect a better poll result for National.

Attack politics, dirty tricks – it had worked before?

Now more than ever National needed to lie to boost their flagging poll results and even sent a slow talking bunny called Mark Mitchell to do something in Hong Kong.

Things were so bad that National had agreed to mediocrity and wishful thinking.

Simon Bridges no longer thought being popular was serious and democracy was no popularity contest.

People would vote for people they had no respect for – according to Bridges.

This was the hopeful truth that both Simon and Hosking clung to as they headed into tonight’s 6PM One News Colmar Brunton poll results.

Fuck me, another rogue poll.

Simon was only on 6%, Judith 6% and National had fallen 4% – which is more than the margin of error.

National are bleeding supporters.

Meanwhile Jacinda soars far out of their league.

National can only grind it’s incompetent teeth and stick to saying she is out of her depth while making up lies and mansplaining ads.

There is no plan to spill the inevitable “charge for the cliff” as the National lemmings race onwards towards it – in complete unity.

The great Hosking has to now get up on stage tomorrow and say to the faithful :

“Two rogue polls does not a spill make”.

“It’s ages from the election and this downward set of rogue polls do not mean anything”.

“All is well, be calm and know that Simon will prevail and this ongoing drift into loserdom, as we bleed support will suddenly result in power again.”

Hosking must boldly and defiantly announce the bootless hope :

“Something will go wrong and National will win”

It is a highly credible, convincing scientific position, this blind hope with no plan to change a thing.

I know here on the side of the majority – we love it.

Closing their eyes and believing has not worked yet but who can question the great Hosking?

A man so astute that he is always wrong, cannot be easily dismissed without a silent snigger as they fall on their swords and swivel around in a death rattle.

Once again Hosking will be lifted onto the stage tomorrow, the smell of fear in every National voters pants, along with the smell of bullshit.

With his great whining voice, he will raise his giant goblin head on those whimpy shoulders and bark at them in sneering , authoritative tones.

“Two rogue polls”

Can Hosking lead National out of the valley of death into the promised land of tax cuts, social deficits and Simon Bridges?

Or will the herd continue to bleed and shrink in more rogue polls?

National is now a medium sized party, second biggest, ten seats behind it’s opponents, led by an idiot who cannot be deposed for superficial reasons.

Like nobody is any better.

Ha ha ha ha.

Doing the same thing that does not work over and over is perfectly fine with the majority of smart people who oppose National’s tired old thinking, lies and dangerous manipulations.

The old tricks don’t work anymore.

The polls are tolling, they toll for thee.

 

Gerard Otto is an activist and a writer.