5 buyers of TV3 that would make things far worse

Look, we are all dreadfully sad that Mediaworks is about to sell TV3 and we all hope that the Government steps in and saves it, but the truth is that there are 5 buyers of TV3 that would make things far worse.

National Party True Blue TV

Want your TV free of all the Cindy sparkle? Prefer your meat and three vege with a side dish of anti-intellectual book burning? Can’t figure out how to tune in Freeview or cancel your Sky subscription? Then National Party True Blue TV is for you!

Programming highlights:

Judith’s Book Corner: Join Judith Collins weekly as she reads chapters from her first novel, ‘Stabbing Simon in the Face’. Guests include Thanos, Cthylla and everyones favourite blood mercenary, Mark Mitchell.

Simon Bridges Crimewatch: Join the Leader of the National Party (note this could change at any time) for an hour long list of criminals Simon Bridges would shoot if the bloody woke PC brigade would let him. Simon’s weekly guest panel of Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte, Margaret Thatcher’s Zombie and everyones favourite blood mercenary, Mark Mitchell, debate which form of public execution works best to quell poor people and break the spirit of dissidents.

National Party Weather Report: THE WEATHER IS FINE AND IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH CLIMATE CHANGE!

Paula Bennett’s Married at First Sight: Welfare Minister Paula Bennett spies on beneficiaries who are dating and declares they are married at first sight and committing benefit fraud for receiving a single persons benefit over a married couples payment. She spends the rest of the show at the dinner party ensuring the beneficiaries hungry children eat nothing from the table. Everyones favourite blood mercenary, Mark Mitchell, arrives at the end of the season and randomly shoots the poorest contestant.

 

The Spinoff’s Woke TV

Are you a middle class militant cyclist who is horribly alienating and believes your Identity Politics Cult makes your farts smell better than everyone else? Then Spinoff Woke TV is for you!

Programming highlights:

All White Men Are Shit: Each week, a panel of Spinoff female staff gather for a 5 hour special on why all men are shit (in alphabetical order) and conclude each episode the only men acceptable to date are Guy Williams, Taika Waititi, Wallace Chapman and John Campbell.

Weekly Woke Olympics: Join Alison Mau, Lizzie Marvelly and Toby Manhire for a 3 hour debate on who hates men the most.

Sadfishing Mummy Blogger’s United: A weekly 7 hour show into how catastrophically hard it is to be a middle class witchy attachment parenting mum. Join the Mummy Bloggers as they tackle gluten intolerance in their pets, why they can’t breast feed during live fire military drills and how hard it is to get little Brock/Apple/Bruschetta enough transgender PoC playmates at the vegan free play kindergarten. The 7 hours magically glides by.

Cancellation Half Hour: Where Spinoff announce in slam poetry format that weeks cancellation of anyone who has disagreed with anything the Spinoff Coven has deemed blasphemy.

Duncan Grieve and the Art of the Deal: Watch as Duncan interviews NZ on Air and Radio NZ and NZME and Fairfax about how great they are and why they should continue to fund his Blog. It’s like Dragon’s Den if the Dragon’s were all poor and trying to steal from you.

 

Destiny Church’s God Squad TV

Don’t like Muslims much? Think the earth is 6000 years old and that earthquakes are punishment for lesbian cunnilingus? Well Destiny Church TV is for you!

Programming highlights:

God’s Weather Channel: Global warming is happening because God loves Destiny Church so much he is hugging the planet extra tight. Any flooding is because of Bisexuals.

Playtime with Baby Jesus: TV for the toddlers as Baby Jesus counts animals in the manger, names all the barnyard sounds and learns how to arrange Muslim pogroms.

Knitting for Jesus: Join Destiny Church members as they knit joy blankets for the poor while discussing charity, the meaning of God’s life and why the Muslim Battle of Karbala should make victory against the Caliphate a foregone conclusion.

Dancing with the Muslims: Saturday night fun for the whole family where there is a blank screen for two hours to stop everyone seeing any dancing or any Muslims.

 

Green Party Pale Lime TV

Prefer your environmental party with no actual environmental policies and only Identity Politics? Well, the new Green Party TV station, Pale Lime is for you!

Programming highlights:

Real Housewives of Tehran: Join Golriz Ghahraman and friends as they lounge around their Millennial shared space lounge room talking about how important they are. Guy Williams appears in the background endlessly updating his CV.

Keeping up with the Ghahramans: Join everyone’s favourite first family of Identity Politics as they battle love, life and an unbelievable sense of self importance only a life time of living in Wellington could ever achieve. Guy Williams appears in the background endlessly phoning NZ on Air.

James Shaw will say anything you want half hour: Tune in as Party co-leader James Shaw tells you anything you want to hear. Care about climate change but don’t want to actually do anything, James will provide just enough commentary to make you believe something is being done without actually doing it. Guy Williams makes guest star appearances in the background on the phone begging for anything going at the Edge.

 

Farmer TV

Have in incredible sense of entitlement that borders on the Trump like? Believe everyone is out to get you? Frightened by written words and eclipses? Think white male privilege is as natural as child birth, green grass and private ownership of armour piercing Gattling guns? Then  Farmer TV is for you!

Programming highlights:

Farming News: Week nightly news from the Farm that challenges urban wankers and greenies who keep factually asserting environmental damage is happening when it’s really volcanoes under the South Pole that is creating methane, not cow farts.

Country Calendar: 24-7 romanticisation of a rural way of life that never existed.

All our cows in one Beijing Paddock: Join the farming community weekly as they beg our Chinese Overlords to keep buying mountains of our milk powder, especially if it’s going to re-education camps because the nutritious dairy is known to help break the will of hungry Uyghurs.

Oi, Māori, go home: Weekly comedy show where Farmers in blackface from Hawera tell different Māori from around the country to ‘go home’. Hilarious stuff.

It’s all bloody Labour’s Fault: Weekly current affairs show where despite National being the Party who conned them into dairy intensification, sold 49% of our hydro assets to fund their $400million irrigation slush fund and tricked them into massive debt for a failing Fonterra, manage to blame Jacinda for every single thing that goes wrong that the previous Government set them up for. Same show week after week.