I am always giddy with excitement and terror when I get to the domestic terminal of Wellington.
Part of me is so thrilled to be finally leaving Wellington (because I detest it so deeply), but part of me is terrified that the Wellington domestic terminal ‘security’ will fuck my day up so how.
It’s like the last chance a Wellingtonian can screw you over and they relish the opportunity.
EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. TIME. I have run ins with Wellington domestic ‘security’ staff.
As far as I am concerned they are jumped up parking wardens on meth with way too much power.
Every time I go through Wellington domestic security there is some bullshit problem that requires ‘extra attention’. I never get this shit at any other terminal in the country, so I assume it’s just something innately to do with people from Wellington.
They know that once you are through, they as Wellingtonians can’t make your life any more difficult so they put on the performance art and ensure they do.
Gloriously I haven’t been through Wellington domestic terminal since Covid broke out, but I had to go down to film 2 episodes of the Working Group in October. Based on my previous experiences with the security parking wardens, I turned up nice and early so I could just cruise through domestic terminal security with no problems.
I take my computer out of my bag (why the fuck do we have to do that – isn’t it a fucking XRAY machine) and place my bag on top of my laptop. The goon at the security bench barked that I had to take my computer out of my bag, I tell the stupid goon it is out of my bag before being confronted by this new monstrosity – the naked photo taking scanner that is there to ‘keep us safe’.
I’m asked if I want to go through the naked scanner to catch my flying bus or be patted down by some minimum wage goon.
What the fuck?
I’m already over this and just agree to step in and have a naked scan taken just to get to the promised land of Auckland, so I begrudgingly agree and have my naked scan taken.
THEN another jumped up little self important parking warden informs me I have to be patted down.
WHAT THE FUCK?
Why the fuck am I being patted down? That was the offer made when I walked in, either take the invasive naked photo of yourself OR be patted down by a minimum wage goon.
Now I’m being told by the jumped up staff that after having the naked can, I must also be patted down???
At this point I’m livid so I agree to being patted down while speaking very loudly to the jumped up little staff member (and the slowly building group of people behind me) how lucky we all are as Kiwis to have brave terrorist hunters like them keeping as all safe, I’m asking is this is a sexual fetish of theirs to pat strangers down and I’m loudly wandering if this is the best use of our precious tax dollars.
The person patting me down is blushing intensely and stops touching me as I get louder.
I am here to leave Wellington, not get a non consul hand job.
As this finishes I’m turning to collect my bag and laptop but my loud response articulating what a waste of fucking time this naked photo scanner is and why the Christ am I being touched by staff has clearly annoyed the other jumped up parking wardens and my luggage has been ‘selected’ for a search.
At this point I am becoming opening abusive.
I demand to know what happens if I tell the parking warden to fuck off and not search my bag.
I am informed I can’t fly if I don’t agree to this invasion of my property.
I’m so over this fucking thing now I just agree and they pull out their gloves and search my bag.
I’m mouthing off loudly to the jumped up parking warden about what a huge waste of time this is and ask if isn’t there a cheaper way to employ Wellingtonians.
He searches my entire bag and finds a lighter which is apparently the justification for this and I’m told to put the lighter in my pocket. Which is weird because if I was going to start a fire, wouldn’t keeping it in my pocket be more dangerous than in my bag?
There is a large hold up now behind me because I always feel that if Airport security are going to waste my time, it’s important to reciprocate and move as slowly as possible to slow the whole thing down.
The jumped up Wellington Parking Warden sarcastically thanks me for my patience, I tell him to go fuck himself loudly, there are some laughs amongst those who are being held up.
I finally get through Wellington domestic security and catch my flight home.
24 hours later I tested for Covid that I caught in Wellington.
Fuck I hate Wellington.
This experience was foremost in my mind with recent news stories of the quiet militarisation of our Airports.
Air NZ joyfully told Kiwis last month they have set up face recognition software to help the Americans have access to our personal information while these fucking naked scanners are being rolled out across the country.
All at a time when our terror threat has been dropped down.
On top of this we now hear Police are using bullshit reasons to illegally stop and search anyone they think is suspicious at an Airport.
The danger is that if we don’t push back on needless militarisation of Air Ports, this shit seeps out into other public areas. How long before Police try to have drug dogs or under cover cops on public transport, face recognition software spying on us and ever intrusive invasions of our personal property and our personal space?
The only solution as I see it is to mouth off and abuse these petty tyrants whenever they attempt to enforce stupid and hopefully if enough of us abuse staff, they’ll back down.
Don’t put up with this petty bullshit.
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A bad day indeed MB
You can get on a plane for Nelson in Auckland and no one searches anything.
Yep, Wellington explains why all flights quickly get out of schedule. I was busted for an aging Phillips screwdriver I forgot was in my bag. Oh the delight the polo shirt wearing bag searcher had with tricky questions, and then the big reveal, aha!!!, what’s this then guvnor? It’s a screw driver you creep, why? They are forbidden! It was like I was snapped sneaking an Iranian drone on with my carry on. And who cares if an aircraft was delayed burning up jet fuel as a result?
Apparently I could appeal it’s confiscation. I’m probably now on a SIS watchlist as a result.
Morons!
If you fly to any regional airport out of Wellington you don’t go through security either
Only for jet passengers:
The great irony here is that in fact any self respecting terrorist would happily pick the Whangarei – Auckland flight – no airport security of the pat down your privates there. (Of course of the chances of being put on a broken down bus to Akld airport is exceedingly high – perhaps that is the security plan B for provincial airports.)
The irony is any self respecting terrorists would choose the no pat down of privates Whangarei Auckland flight (though they would have to save up for it.) Of course there is the problem of the substitute bus half the time – not nearly so effective as a cockpit takeover. Still, less chance of being blown out of the sky. (Forgot – no airforce fighters.)
While I agree with your complaints I suspect that the logic behind the lighter is that if it causes harm in the baggage hold for some reason there is no way to stop the damage while if it is used in the passenger area people are around to put any fire out. It’s possible it could also be ignorant security staff wanting to stuff up your day as well though.
9/11: the gift that keeps on giving.
I sympathise Martyn and am grateful for the heads up about the naked scanner (haven’t flown for a few years) but you know I have to say that in these situations “Put Up and Shut UP’ is pretty much always the quickest and less egregious way of dealing with jobs Worths no matter how outrageous their demands. They are always spiteful when provoked so make like a sheep next time.
Also, you are probably on somebody’s blacklist somewhere (Kitteridge probably has a list with your name on it) so that’s why they decided on the pat down.
It’s a completely fucked system. I don’t know a fellow Muslim man who _hasn’t_ been pulled aside for ‘random screening’ coming into New Zealand recently- coming soon to all domestic flights.
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