If the NZ political spectrum was a solar system, Labour and National would be the two largest ‘planets’ with their ‘moons’ Greens and ACT in perpetual orbit around them.
Then you would have proto planets like NZ First, TOP and the Māori Party within the asteroid belt that could re-enter the inner solar system whenever they win an electorate seat or gain 5%.
Then, way out beyond the Kuiper Belt, you would find the bat shit crazy world of NZ’s sudden crop of fringe political parties.
Why we have this influx of insanity on the fringes isn’t clear. I suspect social media narcissism is to blame. Every crack pot with 10 000 Facebook views automatically thinks they are some oracle whose broadcasts of truth are just another $1000 in Facebook advertising away from total domination of the narrative.
This election we have crazy right wing religious parties in every shade of schism alongside total bat shit crazy conspiracy parties, alongside fronts for China, alongside vanity projects.
It’s all hilarious and deeply damaged, what it says about us as a people isn’t clear but it sure as Christ is quickly becoming a reason why we wouldn’t want the MMP threshold to be reduced lower than 3%.
50 shades of right wing Christian
The real power of Colin Craig was his benign Christianity. His old Conservative Party preached a faith that was friendly and charitable without all the witch burning and late night hangings. His Slater-Jordan Williams inspired implosion and subsequent #MeToo poster boy status on how to be portrayed as a sleaze in 5 easy defamation retrials meant his genial brand of God squad was open for every crazy with a bible, and so it has come to pass.
New Conservative Party: Strip away any rationality, compassion and gentle sensibilities within Christianity and you have the New Conservative Party. Hateful of abortion, solo mothers, gays, solo mothers, cannabis and solo mothers, the New Conservatives love guns, patriarchy and more guns. Paranoid and frightened of any idea post the Renaissance, the New Conservatives would represent a great leap backwards for New Zealand. Its political thinking is so inbred, I suspect they would want to relax laws around cousins marrying. Banjo playing with your toes and burning books is mandatory to be a candidate. I suspect Solo mums are not allowed to vote for the Party.
Vision NZ: Hates all the same things as the New Conservatives but hates Muslims most. Brian Tamaki claimed yesterday at his central Auckland protest that Labour will make NZ a ‘Socialist country’ and I’ve NEVER been so excited & happy in my life. Reading through their policy, you suspect they consider eclipses to be inspired by Satan and believe Jacinda is the daughter of the Devil’s third cousin. I think Libraries and clitorises would be banned if Vision NZ came to power.
One Party: Now, you would have thought Vision NZ and the New Conservatives had covered off the entire spectrum of right wing crazy Christian, but lo and behold, there’s another schism and it’s the ‘ONE Party’. They talk ALOT about ‘The Kingdom’ which is bizarre for a democracy. Under ONE Party, I think Jesus becomes the Constitutional Head of State and God has to personally sign off on legislation. The NZDF would be given spirit spears to fight Satan with and anyone caught working on Sunday is put to death. I think under The One Party, Gay Conversion treatment is mandatory for anyone who watches Glee. I think electricity and any singing that isn’t praising Jesus is also banned.
Alongside the Christian far right we have a couple of vanity projects as well.
Advance NZ: Desperate for political relevance, Jami Lee Ross, the former Machiavellian Svengali of the National Party, has started his own Party for the advancement of Jami Lee Ross. Under Advance NZ, Jami Lees Ross advances his own interests and anyone who wants to donate vast sums of money to the right while being recorded for it. Advance NZ wants freedom, sovereignty and independence for Jami Lee Ross. Think of it as a really expensive public rebranding exercise so JLR can get a job in Banking somewhere.
The Integrity Party: Revolves around the leader who left the Sustainability Party. Wants to be the kingmaker of politics with lots of middle of the road opinions. It’s that ugly blue green colour you have when environmentalism gets hit by capitalism. Has the kind of Māori buzz words you get when Wellington Bureaucrats are opening a sustainable pet crematorium.
Chinese Government Cheerleaders
Just as NZ finally manages to expel a Chines Spy trainer from inside the National Party, Chinese political power brokers have clearly decided trying to buy the National Party is too much effort and with war brewing in the Pacific, they need a direct vehicle to espouse how wondrous the Chinese people are.
Tea Party: Fresh from his tilt at the Auckland mayoralty, John Hong, NZs most active cheerleader for China, has formed his own Party and is aiming at the enormous Chinese diaspora in NZ to propel him into Parliament. For all the tea in China, I’m not sure the Tea Party has read the tea leaves here. If the Tea Party syphons off votes from National and they don’t reach the 5% threshold, Hong damages National and wastes all that vote. It’s a win win for the Left, so I for one say, ‘Keep going Mr Hong’.
Bat shit crazy
Finally, we have actual bat shit crazy.
NZ Public Party: I love this Party, sure the Chinese puppet party is funny, various religious right wing nutters are entertaining and the vanity projects are a great self deluded laugh, but for pure insanity, the NZPP can not be surpassed. Their policy platform are a bunch of QaNON conspiracies all rolled into one vast narrative. The Covid-19 virus is a bioengineered weapon spread by 5G technology that is aimed to bring about a shadowy one world Government inside the UN. I can’t satirise this, because it seems to be what they actually believe. The existence of the NZPP is an indictment on our public education system.
Bless democracy, as it throws up all kinds of ideas and we should be grateful that there is plenty of voice to go around, but as a progressive voter who only cares about seeing Labour+Greens in power, this clusterfuck of madness on the fringes is heaven sent.
The religious right vote that might have gone to National will fracture amongst the New Conservatives, One Party and Vision NZ while John Hong will pull Chinese voters away from National as well. The Integrity Party also takes blue green voters away from National and the NZPP just serves as a cautionary tale against sitting too close to the TV and getting pregnant near microwaves.
This all combines to mean National lose votes, and the wasted vote of these 7 fringes all gets recycled to help Labour and the Greens go up in the final MMP math.
It’s just all so glorious and counter productive to the Right that I think this unintended consequence might actually prove there is a God.
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