#WatchingThisShitSoYouDontHaveTo #MeetTheFockers #TailGate #TeamSloppySeconds #NeoLiberalLove #Paleo #DoucheDate #TheBachelorNZ #TheBitchelor
Apparently a dog year is seven human years, which means that in one human year there are 2555 dog days. The time between each Bachelor week passes in normal human terms but each episode seems to last a dog week. That’s around 49 days. Tonight I went on a date which means I’m watching this episode at midnight. In dog time I’m 322 years old and feeling every year. I’m so excited I might just pick the fleas of my grumpy old terrier. That’s my dog Harry, not my date.
My date went okay. I’ve been seeing him for a few months. I like him quite a lot but in dog years he is even older than me. Like most old dogs we both have some bad habits. We met organically. That is to say it wasn’t a genetically engineered date, like FindSomeone or Tinder. We met at a social gathering. Now we are reaching the stage when we have to decide if we can learn new tricks. He doesn’t always respond as anticipated but at least he doesn’t lick the couch like Harry the grumpy terrier does.
Tonight on The Bachelor Art, the dirty dog, is off to meet the parents of the contestants. These are the families that are selling off their daughters. I suspect it holds a certain fascination for those people that like to slow down as they drive past traffic accidents. I suspect Art might be a bit submissive around alpha males. He will probably roll on his back a lot and then hump the mother’s legs.
There are only four contenders left. Dani’s family is first. Dani is pretty confident because she thinks they have a special connection. It is true that she and Art have shared a lot of tongue action but I suspect Art might lick everyone’s ears. Mostly her parents are sucking up. They must just want to unload her. The stepmother lives up to stereotype and asks the tricky shit. She asks all the important questions and Art doesn’t answer any of them. He looks like he might pee on the rug.
Next Art is off to meet Mathilda’s father. The blokes go outside to BBQ while Matilda and her BFF giggle a lot. This is taking forever! Wait up…you have to be kidding? Only two sets of parents in an episode! Ripped off. Mathilda’s father appears to be a bit thick. He hasn’t asked Art anything. He feels sorry for poor Art. He sympathises with how hard it must be to treat lady girls like stock.
The fathers go some way to explaining why their daughters would put themselves in this situation. It’s horrifying. Dani’s dad looked like he would throw in a cow to seal the deal. Mathilda’s dad looks like he might bend over if he thought it would help.
If my aforementioned organic date was a dog he would be something tenacious like a Staffy. I myself have Lab tendencies. If Art was a dog I suspect he might be an Afghan Hound. Possibly crossed with a Poodle. A Pooghan? Especially breed for people with allergies, who are looking for something pleasing on the eye but not valued for their intelligence.
If online dating is genetically engineered then The Bachelor is a dating monster created by Frankenstein and the fathers of the contestants are the grave robbers who are digging up dead bodies to use as parts. The premise is becoming more macabre and the unnatural outcome will be unlikely to survive unassisted. I guess it is true that organic dates have the same risk of failure. Sure you can teach old dog’s new tricks but only if they want to learn. The real difference is no virgins are sacrificed, only two hearts are at risk and the intent, by both parties, is genuine.