DUNCAN GARNER WATCH: I’ve read Incel manifestos on 4Chan that are more comprehensible than this


So it’s a new year and being part of a new year I have 10 New Year’s resolutions that I’m trying to stick to.

  • More walks on the beach and less time on social media.
  • More face to face interaction with people rather than over social media.
  • Eat less meat, eat more plants.
  • More time with my beloved daughter and whanau.
  • Don’t argue with Tau Henare on Twitter.
  • Try to be nicer to the Greens.
  • Studiously ignore Wellington Twitteratti, Emerald Stormtroopers, Woke social media mobs, alt right-Nazis, bigots, racists, anything to do with the Trans debate, fourth wave feminists, Identity Politics Activists, Climate deniers and old white men who hate Neve and Greta.
  • Watch more John Campbell.
  • Watch and read less Duncan Garner.
  • Try to be nicer and not so mean.

Those are my resolutions.

I went almost a month before breaking the 5th one and I can’t not break the 9th and 10th one after reading Duncan Garner’s latest barely coherent column in Stuff this weekend.

I hadn’t intended to read it, honestly.

I’m at Whitianga camping on the beach with my Daughter…

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…celebrating my Birthday…

…and only by accident read Duncan Garner.


I am going to try and be nice here.

I’m not going to say that Duncan Garner is the intellectual equivalent of a mince pie and coke for breakfast.

I’m not going to say that Duncan seems to have a woeful lack of insight or basic general knowledge on almost every issue I’ve ever heard him speak on.

I’m not going to say that I’d prefer to slam my hand in a car door repeatedly than have to wade through the jaw dropping idiocy that he promotes weekdays.

I’m not going to say any of those things.

What I will say is that compared to his latest columns, I’ve read Incel manifestos on 4Chan that are more comprehensible than this…

It sounds like Takapuna Library after 2pm each Sunday during silent sessions when the local geriatrics meet to swap rare marbles and books before heading home wondering how many marbles they lost in the transaction.


The whole column is so poorly written, confused and barely coherent you wonder if it was actually read by any editor before publication.

Were the subbing staff in holiday or something?

Look, Jacinda has had a tough term trying to get the right wing public service to do anything meaningful and that’s because she didn’t expect to win and Labour had no plan once they won.

No reform of the right wing public service meant that transformative change wasn’t possible, and we can certainly be critical of that, but to trash Jacinda the way Garner does with the level of selective self delusion and misplaced self importance he does is compounded by a writing style that suggests english as a 5th language and the whole hot mess comes across less like a political column and more like a fart in an elevator.

A really, really, really smelly fart.

I am going back to the beach.


  1. “…Duncan Garner is the intellectual equivalent of a mice pie and coke for breakfast.”

    I was thinking that Martyn probably meant “mince pie”. But mice pie is infinitely more appropriate for Garner.

    • Speaking of mince pies, is it just me or is Garner starting to even look a little like Brownlee as well as sound like.

  2. Yessiree Bob, it was definitely one of the more hateful pieces I have read even from that tool.

    And I knew I shouldn’t have looked either.

  3. Stuff is subbed out of Australia now and it shows. No one trained in NZ would have let the sentence “Gerry and Simon will be in to as there is so much to be smiling about under this Government.” – it makes no sense as there is at least one word missing. He does seem to be frothing at the mouth over the prospect that Jacinda may get in to power again.

    • You can tell they’ve slashed staff in the editorial department. The number of grammatical errors and spelling mistakes you see most days, including omitting entire words rendering sentences borderline incoherent, is fairly awful. Stuff is marginally better than the Herald, which I can’t stomach at all, but it’s still pretty shit-house.

  4. Martyn. Do Mice Pies truly exist?

    I am so glad I don’t get TV3 as to me Duncan Garner and of course Mark Richardson come across as what I call Armchair Experts.

    That is Duncan Garner is an armchair expert on body recovery after a volcanic eruption. And so from the comfort of his air-conditioned studio Duncan Garner comes across as the expert on everything.

    He is like John Key i.e having an answer for everything and knowing everything.

    Duncan Garner has long lost the ability to be recognised as being an intelligent and intellectual journalist. And so whilst his monetary income increases his intelligence has diminished. But there are alot in the mainstream NZ media who are like Duncan Garner and we can name them all but the list is lengthy.

    • Yes, JustMe, they do. My sister got a pie that still had the tail included. Some years ago.
      Is Garner a journo? Who gave him a certificate?

  5. My new year resolutions are the same ones that carried on from 2018.

    Don’t watch television news except the weather report with Dan ( he cheers me up even when we are getting rain and cold )

    Don’t listen too anybody who represents the National opposition including its leadership and the NZ Initiative.
    No talk back radio.

    After years enjoying my newspapers i no longer buy them as most are biased right wing loud hailers that just leaves my local papers and the internet.

    Occasionally i slip but i refuse too watch the corporate news media coverage for the same reason as above except Al Jazeera.

    I don’t do social media preferring to communicate the old fashioned way by talking in person where i can with the notable exception of my blogs like this one.

    Not spending my money where possible with organisations like Whitcoulls that donate too the National party
    ( in a small country it is hard too avoid )

    Taking responsibility for my contribution too our climate catastrophe by being more sustainable , walking instead of the car , recycle everything and try not too waste anything by finding a use for it where i can and growing a garden including planting trees.

    My daughter has been wonderful giving me reusable cotton bags for produce at the supermarket and rubber lids too use instead of gladwrap.

    And finally contacting the council about the rubbish and the unkempt public places i notice as i walk around the eastern suburbs of Christchurch something i notice is not an issue in Cashmere , Fendalton and Merrivale !!

    • Bomber the subject of this post was Garner.

      He and Richardson and the others of no real consequence too the situations we are facing with climate extinction , inhumane living and working conditions that a lot of families face and crippling debt and the interest they are charged on that debt too keep afloat because they just don’t get paid anywhere near enough too exist.

      They offer nothing of any value too our country and the evil situation many of us face except too try and be relevant by talking shit and dressing it up as educated opinion.

      And sadly some of the less enlightened listen too it and nod their heads in agreement with his rants.

      Mince pie for breakfast is great if you have been on the turps , line your stomach and all that.

      Great spot where you are and it makes you appreciate our little country so much more.

      A very happy birthday too you.

  6. I hope you continue to have a great b/day week Martyn, and that you and all your family really do have a brilliant break from it all 🙂

    … and that we all have a better year ahead…

    (poor old dunc – heh)

  7. National did a very good job of stacking the public service with their own creations to create that toxic environment. It is hard to change it in the short term because New Zealand’s relatively small population means you can’t just get rid of all the dross and pick up new talent overnight (like they do in the US) because it simply isn’t there.
    It will take a revolutionary attitude to detoxify the public service and frankly I don’t think Labour is up to the task.
    Enjoy your holiday, Martyn.

  8. Good resolutions. Especially when you’re probably due for a mid-life crisis. Some of them I adopted a long time ago.
    This year, I’ve decided to be a little less cynical of the Greens too – to the extent that I’ve decided to give them my vote this year unless I hear Labour intend actually DOING some serious civil service (note I said Civil not Public) reform. That’s after a lifetime as a Labour suppota. And that’s because despite all the promises of a kinder government – even transformational, I can’t support a party that is prepared to support its administrative wing which has obvious racist elements; sanctioning, and even fostering policy that encourages exploitation of people; and pretends that it ain’t so.
    And also because – YES – Rome wasn’t built in a day, and there’s a lot to remedy after a previous callous junta, but there have been some simple things that could have been done within a very short time by Ministerial instruction, but its now clear (SO FAR) that there is no intention to do so (in this space, going forward).
    I realise its often all about the least worst option at times, but there are a few things that have to be a bottom line.
    Bullshit, spin and hypocrisy are things I can no longer deal with and remain happy without some sort of artificial stimulant – and I’m not really into synthetics. And in an increasingly faster Whurl, a bureaucracy that isn’t responsive, that is partisan and riddled with its own agendas, incrementalism ain’t going to cut it.

  9. Is this the Media outfit that wants a government handout to save themselves from the knackers yard? Lol. I’m off to the beach too…

  10. So I guess you are considering a change in career maybe? Counsellor?
    Why dont you have a crack at running as an independent MP for ‘Journalism’ maybe? Because we all know that journalism and the like is shite at the moment and been so for the last 15 to 20 years.
    Just a thought …

  11. Dang… I have no TV, … matter of fact , haven’t had one since about 2004,… just never got around to buying another one, besides, I don’t like all the complicated doo- dad selector stuff just to turn the damn things on these days,..which means I cannot chime in.

    Beach sounds nice anyways…

  12. duncan garner is a little fly. Don’t worry about the little flies, they’re everywhere.
    If duncan garner wasn’t a little media fly he’d be a dull house plant and it should be remembered, if you don’t water a house plant it’ll wither and die.
    I’ve been enjoying listening to National Radio again since kath ryan’s presumably buzzed off on holiday.
    Was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo nice to listen to the radio again and not hear her schussshes and fluffers and dull minded, pro natzo innuendo.
    I listened to a fellow on RNZ talk with authority on bees. Was fascinating.
    I’m restoring an old house in the country and one of the rooms had honey bees in a wall.
    We, that is me and the bees, cohabitated nicely. I never got stung once.
    They were charming little things that’d come up for a look, reach out with their little feelers, do some feeling then fly off.
    When they swarmed, because, so I was told by bee experts, about 60% of the bees and a new queen left for bigger digs while those remaining took off two months later and left behind about two liters of honey in a most amazing honey comb construction behind the gib board.
    Bees. Bees and flies. It’s all about bees and flies.
    Bees are givers, flies are takers. Sound familiar ?

    Meet David Cramp.
    Tongan farmers get bee keeping boost

    • ” If duncan garner wasn’t a little media fly he’d be a dull house plant and it should be remembered, if you don’t water a house plant it’ll wither and die ”

      Great line C.B your contributions are always worth a read.

    • left behind about two liters of honey in a most amazing honey comb construction behind the gib board.

      I got one of these recently – sent over from Aus. Hive with a tap – just turn it on and honey flows out, so they say… (Sadly it’s still in its box in the shed – must assemble soon as.)

  13. Guessing he is still missing his Ashley Madison membership.
    Stuffed up on Tinder again.
    Bought smoked and wrote under influence of bad gear again?

    In my opinion anyway he has been so easy for certain others to compromise since his press gallery days, too it is now unfunny.
    Packing on the bloat again too I note.
    It will get a lot worse than this Martyn.
    TG and mirrors are using all the CrosbyTextor tactics too.

  14. Just started walking 80-120min a day.
    I highly recommend it as a stand a lone practice!
    We are designed to walk a lot, forget bicycles, swimming, sports etc, and other vanities

  15. As soon as I see the name Duncan I turn the page. Shame on you for even thinking of reading his words. Is he the chubby one on TV1 in the mornings? And Marc or is it Mark. Is he the cricketer turned intellectual?

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