List of things we all pray are behind the NZ Herald Paywall – BUILD THE WALL, BUILD THE WALL, BUILD THE WALL

By   /   February 25, 2019  /   20 Comments

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As the paywall gets closer and closer at the NZ Herald, we all hope there are things that go behind the pay wall and things that stay outside it.

As the paywall gets closer and closer at the NZ Herald, we all hope there are things that go behind the pay wall and things that stay outside it.

Behind the Wall

  • Mike Hosking, Kate Hawkesby, Heather du Plessis-Allan and Barry Soper. The real housewives & husbands of Parnell ZB Troll farm that the Herald has become (thanks to their content sharing arrangement with ZB) means that week after week the Government is showered with biased hot takes that makes Tova O’Brien look like a seasoned and wise Jedi master of current affairs. Please put these yapping lapdogs of the establishment behind your paywall, hell I’d pay to have them behind a paywall – is that possible?
  • Lizzie Marvelly’s 10 millionth column on how shit men are was celebrated last year and while we all need to know how shit men are, and yes we are shit, God we are shit, we really need to be killed because we are shit – I just feel like I’ve gotten the gist of whatever she’s written without reading it now. Like, I kinda felt I hit that stage at the 5 millionth mark, but that’s just the heteronormative patriarchy in me speaking. Lizzie is an important voice saying the same thing forever and her amazing content should be behind a paywall. As men, we should be forced to pay to hear how shit we are, you know, as part of our ongoing obligations to narrow the gender pay gap.
  • Fran O’Sullivan – seeing as Fran is a good friend of China, shouldn’t she be behind a paywall? Like in a panda enclosure?
  • Matthew Fucking Hooton – How the living zombie Jesus does he still get paid as a ‘political commentator’? Putting him behind a paywall would be funny because his clients would keep paying to get his advertising material out from behind the paywall.
  • Any news story whose sources are people on twitter.
  • Any news story about a fight on twitter.
  • Any news story about someone taking offence on twitter.
  • Any news story about twitter.
  • Any news story using Facebook as a source.
  • All of the ‘Lifestyle’ section.
  • Mummy bloggers. Please sweet baby Jesus, bloody mummy bloggers.
  • Anything reprinted from the Spinoff
  • Property speculation content masquerading as a service.
  • Anything that is a ‘joint content project’ between Big Dairy and Big Oil.
  • Anything written by Duncan Garner.
  • Climate denial editorials.
  • John Roughan, we’ve heard quite enough from John Key’s biographer thanks. You couldn’t pay me to read his stuff.


Not behind the Wall

  • Bryce Edwards – he brings in opinions from around the NZ media landscape that no one else does, he’s an actual resource for trying to understand what the hell is going on.
  • Rachel Stewart – best columnist in the country, come on, she’s the reason most of us read the Herald.
  • David Fisher – best journalist in the country.
  • Matt Nippert – second best journalist in the country.
  • Kirsty Johnson – most important journalist in the country.
  • Liam Dann – we all want to watch him cry when the stock market finally collapses and his hopes and aspirations for free market capitalism implode.

Jokes aside, it’s telling that the NZ Herald would risk losing its political and cultural influence just to make a buck.

The original catalyst for the newspapers in NZ were rural barons who wanted to influence the political agenda of this fledgling nation.

The first editorial of the NZ Herald was calling on white NZers to rise up and go to war with Māori, and from that time on it has been an enemy to trade unionists, environmentalists and women. The NZ Herald’s power was agenda setting and influencing the political debate by staking out what was accepted opinion and what wasn’t even allowed to be debated.

You can not to this day get a serious critical evaluation of the 30 year neoliberal experiment in NZ anywhere in the pages of the NZ Herald because that is stated dogma that can not and will never ben challenged.

That the Herald are willingly handing over their power to influence to just keep the lights going is a reminder of just how deeply Facebook has gutted their business model and another reason why any direct tax on Facebook and Google needs to be seen as a Public Broadcasting and Public Journalism fund.

Let’s hope the NZ Herald can remain, because as right wing as it is, it’s far better exisiting than leaving people to source their own conspiracy theory news from social media.


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  1. Sam Sam says:

    Build the wall! Make The Herald into a tabloid again!

    Only way to ensure the success of the pay wall is to bring back the funny.

    Oh, and another thing to put behind the wall, all those ads… Hahahaha…, don’t think the herald managers thought this through. Subscribers paying to watch ads is what’s killing sky subscriptions but what ever. Build the wall! Jahahahahahahahahahaha

  2. Christine says:

    Deborah Hill-Con – bugged by Clarke with an “e” should be behind a wall.
    There’s another silly woman whose name constantly escapes me too.

    Simon Collins outside and more visible. He’s v good on social issues, I’m surprised he hasn’t been fired for that.

    I won’t read a pay-walled Herald anyway.

    • george says:

      I won’t read that pathetic excuse for shithouse paper paid or unpaid.

      • Babushka says:

        I’d read it if they paid me, like maybe $10 a pop. I mean like who’s going to know ?

        They’ll need to put the horoscopes back, and recipes with home grown vegetables; a thousand uses for baking soda; pictures of John Key hanging around the All Blacks’ dressing-room or any pictures of John Key; making periscopes ( to spy on the neigbours) pictures of Simon Bridges; more pictures of Simon Bridges just in case; anecdotes about cute kids; detailed descriptions of National women’s amazing technicolour (made in you-know where) jackets; how to grow a self-cutting hedge; why.

        And the added bonus is it’s great for cleaning windows, free, plus $10 a day. Cash – no coupons. Mr Green says that it kills garden weeds too. Who would have thought ?

    • RED BUZZARD says:

      …Simon Collins has always been a good journalist

      • Mjolnir says:

        Agreed. I read his stuff when he lived in Wellington and then later in Auckland. The man had a strong ability to wrote about social issues frim the pov of those impacted. Much under acknowledged.

  3. mosa says:

    To lessen the chance of a stroke or heart failure due to my blood boiling i will not give the Herald money to read their garbage or on line.
    I by pass all of them including formerly the red radio which was the last bastion of sensible reporting and news until the National party stepped in and appointed Mr Griffin and filled the board of governors with right wing sympathisers hence the employment of Lisa Owen and Guyon Espineer who never hid their contempt for left wing politicians and contributors.

  4. XRAY says:

    Barry bloody Soper. He very unfortunately gives credence to the stereotypical whinging old white man who hates change. If only Jacinda had gone into bat for this broken record, got him his visa to the US when she first went there as PM so he could have his freebee, I reckon 90% if the bile he writes would never have been unleashed.

    The least critical thinking old bag today in our media. And that’s saying something.

    Anyway NZ Herald, nice knowing you, now that you are about to become a total waste of space echo chamber.

  5. Christine says:

    The Herald does not deserve to survive – and it probably won’t – when some lily of the field write a column about someone changing a baby’s smelly nappy on a short plane trip.

    What should they do ? Toss the baby out a window? Stash it in the hold?

    What is it with Kiwis and babies ?

    If the NZ Herald is running some sort of perverse competition to insult its readers it is doing an outstandingly good job.

  6. Zack Brando says:

    Build that wall~!! Sometimes I use Google’s news feature to search news topics. I’ve accidentally clicked of articles form the Herald before .. I’m like; “darn! I’m probably counted as a visitor to their site now! .. Click Away, Click Away !! – Propaganda Alert!”

    I don’t even really care, but hey, sad/funny that people would pay to be propagandized on the daily by the Herald. Saying that, most Boomers steer vacantly at television screens night after night. It’s call television ‘PROGRAMMING’ for a reason.

  7. Andrea says:

    Oh well.

    Another one bites the dust.

    What are we going to do now?

    And whatever happened to left-leaning papers? Lost their customer base as the workers aspired their way to the Herald, perhaps?

    It was ever thus…

  8. Richard Christie says:

    Behind: All editorial comment, from anybody.

    Open: Weather, entertainment and all sport coverage, so that dunces don’t decide to pay a sub and then get exposed to Nanny’s bile.
    Facts, events .

  9. Marianne Hepple says:

    I only buy hard copy of Weekend Herald for the crosswords. $10 per month for Times of London, free access to Guardian – who needs Granny Herald

  10. Marianne Hepple says:

    I only buy hard copy of Weekend Herald for the crosswords. $10 per month for Times of London, free access to Guardian – who needs Granny Herald

  11. XRAY says:

    The thing that gets to me with a lot of these so called journalists at the herald is not only their total ignorance of the housing problems in this country but their utter indifference to it.

    The status quo is fine by them. It is not right to see people reduced to living in cars or on the street or moving constantly from place to place with all the stress that accompanies that as the landlords lord it over the masses and be comfortable that this as some kind of acceptable status quo and yet Soper banging in about the woes of CGT and taking the piss out of the PM on the subject says he couldn’t give a flying shit about it

    For the Hoskings of this world their selfishness is to be expected absolutely. But Soper is or was supposed to be a journalist. Ardern knows exactly what a hot potato this is, his belittling of her is designed to give credence to her being that “stupid girl”. And I find his sky falling in shit repeatedly now unforgivable.

    We are witnessing the truly bizarre of parasitic investor landlords goading the government in a game of chicken empowered by the kind of ignorant rot these idiots write .

    NZ needs good daily journalism, unfortunately our once major daily has now reinforced itself with fuckwits like him and others which means its eventual demise will be no bad thing!

  12. Mike the Lefty says:

    Mama can you help build the wall?
    Of course, Mama will help build the wall.
    Mama did it have to be so high?
    Yes, Baby it did this time!
    (Thanks to Roger Waters for his inspiration).

  13. Mjolnir says:

    Rachel Stewart??? Come on……!!!

    The rest, I agree with 101%. Paywall! Paywall!! PAYWALL!!!!!

  14. Castro says:

    Unless they keep importing 1000+ new desperate every week 😉

  15. Mjolnir says:

    Problem is that the good stuff will be behind a paywall and the Soper-style crap freely available. Just look at the fetid rubbish on free to air tv like TV3, as opposed to Netflix. BARF!!

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