How to survive an Alt Right and Woke Christmas this year

By
Martyn Bradbury
-
8
9

Christmas, that time of year when you are forced to spend long periods of time with extended family who might believe all sorts of crazy shit.

It’s made more difficult because when the booze flows your alt-right/Woke Left family members may start to want to educate you on the ‘truth’. This can be painful, tedious and remarkably sanctimonious, but you can’t chose family.

Lizzie Marvelly has been kind enough to propose rules to survive a feminist Christmas, while Damien Grant is just bloody Damien Grant…

…smoke you bastard! SMOKE!

So we here at TDB felt it’s probably a good idea to propose 10 rules to survive  Christmas if your extended family are crazy Alt-Righters or undeservingly condescending Woke Lefters.

5 Rules to survive Alt-Right Family at Christmas

TDB Recommends NewzEngine.com
  1. When they start raving about how great Trump is, nod and interject who they think would win in a fist fight between Donald and Putin. Most Alt-Righters get deeply aroused by Vlad and you can listen on in quiet amusement as they wrestle with their twin love affairs.
  2. When your Alt-Right family member starts foaming about ‘Agenda 21’, demand to know if they’ve heard about Agenda 69 which seeks to stop people having oral sex. Watch them go into fits of rage.
  3. Agree that Chem trails, anti-vaccination and 1080 probably all require an immediate investigation led by Leighton Smith.
  4. Acknowledge that Global Warming is not only a socialist scam but it is also a geo-engineering marxism.
  5. Suggest that ‘Baby it’s cold outside‘ is a charming wee ditty.

 

5 Rules to survive Woke Left Family at Christmas

  1. For the love of Christ DO NOT say you like ‘Love Actually’ or be prepared to put up with a 3 hour lecture on why it’s ‘problematic’.
  2. Agree everything vegan tastes better, especially vegan turkey, vegan ham and vegan pine trees.
  3. Enthusiastically note any new cycle way lanes being built in your area and how calming it is to be stuck behind a cyclist in peak hour traffic.
  4. Note that Police should be forced to remove their uniforms at all times as the shade of blue is obviously heteronormative patriarchy.
  5. Demand all Santas should be Māori, Pacific Island or Asian, just like Jesus is.

 

 

 

RELATED ARTICLESMORE FROM AUTHOR

8 COMMENTS

  2. Lol!

    This year I’m going to whisper into my conspiracy-nutty uncle’s ear that chem trails are flouride-laden, 1080 dust, mixed with KFC’s 11 Herbs & Spices.

    Then step back.

    Eruption warning immiment,

    • Can I borrow that recipe? I’m gunnah send it to my nutter cousins, anonymously, with pictures of planes falling from the sky and the passengers spewing their rings out!!

  3. I enjoy trolling both the alt-right and woke left by being far more extreme than they are. e.g. every time some woke idiot says “he” or “she” you interject with “stop assuming their gender”, or you tell the alt-righters that “Hitler wasn’t really all that bad”. It drives them nuts.

  4. No fuck it @ Martyn!. You don’t actually have to do anything, especially suffering the insufferable. If you are only capable of being nice to the insufferable once a year when Santa comes around to leave a few skid marks, then you might as well tell them what you really think and call them out on whatever bullshit irritates at every opportunity.
    And being nice to the kuds doesn’t mean it’s compulsory to be nice to what their parents perceive as being their owners

  7. What about Facebook? I posted a meme using a photograph of the backyard of my home with my animals and the text Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Part of my animal fence is made up of an old Green Party billboard and one of the comments from a friend was “Ban 1080”

Comments are closed.