The Bitchelor Episode 14 Daughters on the Block: One Woman’s Reflux

#IwillRideWithPoppy #MakeMeAnOffer #WatchingThisShitSoYouDontHaveTo #MeetTheFockers #TailGate #TeamSloppySeconds #NeoLiberalLove #Paleo #DoucheDate #TheBachelorNZ #TheBitchelor

Tonight we watch two more couples fight it out at the auction: renovating, redecorating and finally marketing and pitching in order to get the best return. It’s just like My First Home. That show where a family all pulls together to sell an asset and make a profit. Instead of flipping a house they are trying to flip the girl child. This is daughter dealing! The Batchelor Block. It has a nice ring to it. I’m so excited I might just clean out the fridge. There are crusty bits in the veggie bin.

The first familial visit tonight is with Poppy’s family. It’s just her mum and her BFF and her mum lives in Australia. They have no house!!!! Shit! How will Arty and the hordes of tweens watching be able to accurately judge her true socio economic position and cultural capital without seeing an abode? Poppy’s dad sent a question. He wants to know if Art will remember to ask him for permission if Poppy loses and ends up with this tosser long term. I know there are plenty that will argue that this is an old and sacred tradition and that respecting tradition is important. I think it is important to remember that this is part of a tradition when men thought women were chattels and traded them like baseball cards.

Poor Arty! Poppy’s mum feels really bad for him. Having to choose between the final four! Especially when he points out that he feels he has a real connection with all of them. That’s when the mum does her pitch. It wasn’t very convincing. I mean she could have tried a lot harder. There was no sense of desperation at all. I sense another problem. How can they compete without real estate in this market?

Alysha is from Invercargill. She should probably just throw in the towel now. Everyone knows the three most important rules of real estate. Location, location, location. Mind you, if you’re after value for money…..you can probably get a dozen daughters in the deep south for just one very average Auckland one. Alysha has a whole team. Practically the entire population of the city…like ten.

In Southland they are staying with the same traditional roles that Matilda trotted out. Blokes on the barbi and babes in the kitchen. Alysha and her dad feed some sheep bits of bread and then they all sit down and eat one. That’s sooo nice. Alysha’s dad does a little toast. He totally thinks Alysha has it in the bag. This is going to be one of those situations when the sale doesn’t go unconditional. Someone is going to be disappointed.

Before he makes the decision that will remove another one from his shortlist, Art gives Alysha a chance to beg. I always had her pegged as runner up. She makes a great case. Poppy with no property is gone.

I TOLD YOU SO. Alysha will be next.

They say when you are selling a house you should bake bread. It will give your house a lovely aroma and make prospective buyers want to devour it. I’m not sure how the smell of bread will work for a Paleo Prince. It might just make him really hangry. I would be tempted by someone who smells like a muffin. Yum! Poppy had no house and therefore no tantalising aroma. She didn’t even have a fridge with a selection of expired condiments. On the upside she’s not going to get stuck with Art’s leaky façade and my fridge no longer smells like old lettuce.