Charter schools are all the rage in government circles, so why not open one modelled on the New Zealand government itself? We would take the systems and behaviour of the Beehive and share it with the next generation, because what happens in the Beehive must be the pinnacle of expectations and something we should all aspire to.
- We would advertise for students using promises such as having free school nurses, and then renege on those policies once students are enrolled, citing budgetary reasons.
- We would have a daily meeting with all staff and students where questions can be asked. There is no obligation on anyone to answer sensibly or truthfully or in full unless caught out. These sessions would always be chaired by someone who agrees not to ask their favourite group to answer properly.
- Any larger issues brought up would be dealt with by in internal select committee that already has made a decision and would therefore sit quietly and let the poor submitters ramble so they at least might feel they were heard.
- Management would receive a handsome annual pay rise. Cleaners and support staff will get under 1% per year due to budget restrictions.
- We would have a luxury restaurant for staff, paid for out of the school budget. Under no circumstances will this budget be used to feed students.
- Given staff and restaurant costs, we might choose to sell off most of our buildings in the hope that our budget might get into surplus.
- We would leave it to the market to solve the issue of where to house the children for lessons. If there are no classrooms left after the sell-off, we would berate the classroomless students for their laziness and lack of self control in getting themselves into that position.
- Management will reserve the right to fly themselves and their partners to events first class at the cost of the school during the term of their employment and forever thereafter.
- Our behaviour policy would be:
- people can lie.
- anyone caught out lying can either lie again or laugh off the original lie as not important or accuse the person that caught them out of a smear campaign.
- bullying would be allowed, and in fact we will have staff and a PR firm that helps do it carefully so that no-one gets in trouble for it.
- we will have a dedicated “office” to blame should anything get out of hand
- if people wish to bully anonymously, we would have bloggers that will spread the rumours for them. There will sometimes a fee for this service.
- harassment would be allowed so long as the harasser gives the person they harassed two bottles of fizz when they finally scream at them to STOP (but not before).
- We would spend millions on a new school flag even though the school already has a flag and nobody wants a new one.
- Finally, we would sign a document allowing other, bigger schools to sue us if we ever do anything that might infringe on their right to earn money. Signing this document would be done on the condition that those of us people signing are be given lucrative jobs by one of the bigger schools or their friends once we leave our current positions.
Any questions could be submitted in writing, where we would have along list of ready excuses not to provide a response in a timely manner.
Any complaints could be directed to the Ombudsman, who would explain that we don’t have to tell you anything or explain ourselves in any way.
Have I missed anything?