The Bitchelor Episode 10 Now With Subtitles : One Woman’s Reflux



#NeoLiberalLove #Paleo #DoucheDate   #TheBachelorNZ   #TheBitchelor


I am back home and after a long day at work and four hours driving there’s nothing I would like more than to go to the gym and sit and on a spin bike for an hour. Instead, here I am, sitting in front of the TV and waiting for another excruciating episode of the show we love all to …nope I got nothing but a big bucket of contempt and loathing. I’m so excited I might just take up macramé. Is that still a thing? Someone must need an owl. Maybe I can send it to the successful Bitchelor as a housewarming gift. It might be handy to have something wise around.

Tonight I’m adding subtitles that also interpret the action for the subtext impaired. Let me give you an example.

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When I say I’m so excited I might just take up macramé, what that means is…

(I’m so bored I’m losing the will to live.)

Tonight Arty is date is jumping out of a plane with Poppy. This is very exciting. The audience is probably hoping they will join the mile high club.

(If you read this blog you are probably hoping for a tragic parachute fail. All in the the name of Art.)

A parachute jump. The metaphor is beautiful. They are taking a blind leap or a leap of faith. Arty and Poppy, together, stepping into the unknown. On the other hand it could also signify that Arty is looking for a way to end it if things don’t work out. Or that there is an expectation that Arty is looking for a lady also willing to go down with a sinking ship! Till death do us..

( Or just someone committed to going down.)

Then they have a bath together. Arty and Poppy. We are all probably hoping she farts again. For those not keeping up Poppy is the farter. If she farts a second time I figure she’s gone.

(The production team are clever and know if she does let one rip the sound will amplify.)

It’s a wonderful opportunity for Art to show his talent. His talent is his ability to grow abs. obviously his talent isn’t conversation or he wouldn’t need to be half naked all the time while interviewing the ladies.

(Art being in a constant state of undress also distracts the audience from the fact that he hasn’t said a single interesting thing in ten episodes.)

Do you think narcissists know they are narcissists or are they too wrapped up in themselves to care about how they appear to others? The next date is sponsored by Blo Karts. That’s what advertisers call synchronicity. Could two products be a better fit? Arty and Blo must be a marketing company’s wet dream team. The purpose of this date is to ensure that Arty finds a lady who can handle a lot of wind.

(The successful contestant should be prepared for a guy not afraid to blow on his own without needing anything but someone willing to watch.)

Another contestant wises up and joins the ranks of winners by bailing. There’s still seven willing to let this dickhead decide their fate on a show where they’ve already scarified, their jobs, friendships and day to day lives, not to mention their hearts!

(Just kidding. I actually meant their dignity, integrity and self-respect as people at home sacrifice their humanity watching a show dependent on degradation.)

Tonight Art ditches the one that last night admitted to being a bit bossy by asking for something. On top of that she had also revealed a desire to win things. Like competitions. These are obviously not ladylike traits and I’m surprised she’s lasted this long frankly. Tomorrow she will wake up back in the black and white world of Kansas hoping like hell the whole thing was nothing but a really bad dream.

The whole show is taking on an Oz like quality. The quest to find the real Dorothy continues as all the contestants take turns being Glenda the Good Witch and while we wait for a house to fall on Chrystal. We know that Art turns out to be nothing but a charlatan instead of a mighty wizard but it seems like he might also be the Scarecrow.

(This is show for an audience of munchkins, flying monkeys and I your constant companion, Toto.)



  1. “…on a show where they’ve already scarified their jobs, friendships and day to day lives, not to mention their hearts! ”

    If there was going to be that much blood I would’ve watched.

  2. My God Kate, You have a stronger constitution than me. Maybe there is a new theory on the cause of bulimia nervosa which you have found, or maybe not -this shit has been going on forever!

  3. I watched 10 or so mins of the first episode off and on, then the last one. WHAT A FUCKING ABOMONATION! This isn’t a Jooolie Krusty phenomenon is it? ‘cos that would explain everything.
    I dont have a functional gaydar even though I’ve travelled the waterfront (but with a preference on the hetero), and I’m not suggesting this Mr Body Beautiful is ‘a gay’ – but he sure as hell isn’t looking for a pard ….. more like a replacement mummy.
    On comes all the rehearsed perceptions of what he thinks should constitute ‘courting’ in order to make a score – from one of the ‘candidates’, but be warned ladies (if you can call bimbos that – ooooh! oooh! oooooh!, how very dare me), but within a very short time, this self-appointed Adonis will bring out the mummy mmmy routine.
    Maybe they all deserve each other. Maybe he should just marry the lot and do a roster.
    Christ what complete kaka! It really does have to be a Joolie Krusty-stetson-I’m-so-gorgeous-cos-I’m-rich-and-I-know-it-all headed idea doesn’t it?
    It really will be interesting to watch the fortunes of TV3 under a change of gubbamint where it has to stand on it’s own two feet huh?
    It sure as hell is shitting on some of the good people that started this ‘enterprise’.
    FUCK what an abomination!

  4. I’m gonna read their FB page to see what tripe exists there. Should be an interesting contrast of psyche.

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