The Bitchelor Episode 8 Free Range Battery : One Woman’s Reflux

By   /   April 8, 2015  /   1 Comment

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Watching the show two nights in a row is like taking a large dose of medicine all at once. On the cup half full side at least it’s over quickly. On the cup half empty side it’s still about as appetising as a cup of cold sick.

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Watching the show two nights in a row is like taking a large dose of medicine all at once. On the cup half full side at least it’s over quickly. On the cup half empty side it’s still about as appetising as a cup of cold sick. Since last night I have been having troubling thoughts. Mainly about the women. I can’t seem to stop myself from periodically wanting to throw things at the TV and scream ‘WTF ARE YOU THINKING?’ As I sit here bracing for another episode I’m so excited I might just pluck the stray hairs from my bikini line. A distasteful thought, I know, but no matter how much I try not to judge their behaviour part of me wants to repeal their right to vote.

I’m a feminist but I am only one woman. I’m of the belief that feminists are like chicken; there is a huge number of recipes and there is a never ending variety of combinations, serving styles and garnish, but at the end of the dinner, we’re all chicken. I like to remove body hair and wear three coats of mascara. I don’t judge women who don’t. In fact I applaud them. I’m not interested in aesthetic arguments in this space but I am interested in the rationale behind the women’s behaviour who are on the show. Some of them look like chickens and I am sure would claim to be chickens but I’m not familiar with the dishes. Maybe they are like undercooked poultry. Maybe that’s why sometimes they make me feel a little sick.

As the numbers drop the remaining contestants appear more determined or desperate depending on your point of view. The behaviour is devolving and they seem only too willing to fall into the stereotypes that men use to define what is attributed as ‘typical feminine behaviours.’ What it look likes to me is that the nine now remaining are more invested in the whole sham and less lacking in any agency.

I can’t say why I continue to remove body hair. I couldn’t in all honesty tell you now if I prefer my body without it, or if I just think I should. No doubt the initial reason for removal was to conform. Now there is something comforting and even cathartic in the pain of each extraction. Most of my body hair has been laser-ed into submission but there are still those pesky stubborn ones.
I’m finally getting the names down. I’ve put them into handy types for you.
The Bad: That’s Chrystal. She is the beautiful but conniving and manipulative. If she was chicken it would be just breast, no fat and no skin, but surprisingly not deboned.

The Sad: Alysha. Desperately trying to play a long game, over complicated and it will end I tears. She wants to be a classic dish, like a chicken Caesar salad, but you just know someone is going to mess it up by adding too many croutons and not enough anchovy in the dressing.

The Mad: Well that’s been Kristie from the first episode. Too competitive, too serious and too keen. They’ve portrayed her from the beginning as maybe being a drumstick short of a bucket. Kristie is KFC. Original not Hot’ n’ Spicy.
Today’s group date is a pool party at a house that has a pool. The women are displayed buffet style in bikinis. There is no body hair on display. These chickens are all thoroughly plucked. Competition for Arties attention is gearing up both poolside and back at the house that isn’t a mansion.

The one on one date goes to Natalie. She is the virginal offering. She has never had a boyfriend, never been kissed and if she was a chicken, never stuffed. She might actually be lamb but it’s hard to say with all the marinade.

Among the remaining are the real contenders. Poppy who is bound to be second runner up and destined for the friend zone. Poppy is a reliable roast. There’s a couple of casseroles that I haven’t quite figured out yet like Danielle. She might not be filling enough. Matilda, Danni look like reliable recipe for family favourites. The kind of dishes the whole family will enjoy.

If you eat too much chicken you have to add more and more ingredients to make it palatable. As Arty’s taste becomes more accustomed he is going to turn into one of those fussy bastards who expects Masterchef moments on a school night. There is a risk that some of the contestants are already falling into the producers trap and over seasoning. As the show continues things may prove even more foul. I still don’t know why any woman would want to enter this competition.

The worst thing about hair removal is ingrown hairs. They are the ones that just won’t give up. They dig in and hold on. Amanda got plucked tonight.

There was no resistance.

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1 Comment

  1. countryboy says:

    Hahahah a !
    Brilliant .
    I watched last nights show with a female friend who’d never seen an episode of The Bachelor so between her hoots and wails I had to drag her off the TV screen hissing and scratching as she tried to rip Arts face off .
    It was my first also . I feel so dirty , I was saving myself for marriage
    Here’s what I think of The Bachelor . It’s an inside out version of The Truman Show . I think it’s a con albeit a very clever one .

    Nothing about T.B. stacks up . Art’s Gay as a lark to begin with . His camp insincerity shines through as he acts out to woo the Ladies and I bet if he saw a Lady Part he’d run shrieking like a howler monkey .

    The Ladies are sincere in that they’ll be getting paid / remunerated and my guess is that’s where the competition lies . It aint in Art that’s for sure . He’s a good looking fellow but he’s as attractive to an actual , real woman as thrush on a stick .

    Once I began to see T.B. for what it is , as a sham , it all made sense to me . Then I found it hilarious !

    As for hairs ? Try Nair ? It’s great stuff . Ladle it on then hose it off . I used to be a fit fellow with abs and a hairless body . Then at about 45 I grew hairs like a bean sprouting kit . Out of my shoulders for fucks sake ? Why , in Gods name , do I need shoulder hair ? It’s not that it’s thick enough to be warming and some of them are alarmingly long and weirdly curly ? The only thing they are is hideous . If I catch myself in a mirror while back – lit and naked I look like a mossy tree . So out comes the Nair , a slightly unpleasant burning smell , hair gone . Sadly however , like all small, annoying things ( Winston Peters springs to mind ) they do come back .