The Bitchelor Episode 5 – Anaphylactic Love Fest: One Woman’s Reflux



#Paleo #DoucheDate #TheBachelorNZ #TheBitchelor
Who can believe it has been six whole days already and it’s time for another episode. I don’t feel I’ve had a break from it at all. I’m so excited I might just read the contents of my junk mail folder.

(My Junk Mail: 2552 unread messages)

My friends and colleagues are becoming obsessed with the topic of The Bachelor. They are constantly badgering me for the scoop, the skinny, the low down! They want to know the important stuff. They want to know about the sex, the drugs and the booze fuelled bad behaviour.

So here it is. #TheBitchelor breaking news! Since the show began I have never been more tempted to end seven years of sobriety by downing a bottle of tequila and behaving badly while taking drugs. Any drugs. As to the sex, well let’s just say that hasn’t suffered. There is nothing more attractive than a man who listens to what I say, doesn’t judge me on just the aesthetic, isn’t comparing me to twenty other women and who eats. Regularly. Things that are made of grain like bread and cake.

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This is actually the most fascinating thing we know about Arty so far. He doesn’t eat bread. I don’t eat kiwifruit. I’m allergic. Even the smallest amount makes me vomit and and I guess if I ate enough of them my throat would swell and I would die. Arty isn’t allergic to bread. It isn’t going to kill him. He  is a proponent of the paleo diet. It’s also, ironically how he makes his crust. The paleo or caveman diet is one that depends on eating protein, nuts and berries, some leafy greens but nothing refined or made from grain. It’s very on trend right now. I struggle with the benefits of a diet consumed by people whose life expectancy was around twenty and who often starved but you don’t gets abs like Art’s by eating cookies! How does he explain the beer though?
Tonight the promos for the show are advertising a kiss. Apparently it’s a kiss that we, the viewers will never forget. I am nearly narcoleptic with anticipation.

The date is with Danni so we know at some point they are going to snog. Last week’s date was playing golf. No snogging. This week it’s a helicopter ride to Waiheke. Arty says he hasn’t felt like he does on the helicopter ride with anyone else. That could be because he hasn’t taken any of the others on a helicopter ride. Mind you, plenty of people get hot choosing between an iron and a wood.

They do stuff on zip lines and feign interest in the scenery. What I don’t understand is why every time I get a tweet it gets emailed to my junk folder. It’s repetitive. Oh look Arty has planned another picnic. Isn’t that 4/4. Four picnics but he’s still a sandwich short due to his intolerance. What does he have? Does he forage?

The kiss….he announces it first. He’s going in.

No groping but there was tongue.

For those who think I’m not romantic you are wrong. I’m crazy romantic. I’ve read Wuthering Heights at least ten times. I like my love stories, windswept, mad and so intense it haunts generations to come. This wasn’t a kiss that would inspire the haunting of Heathcliff. The promos were wrong. The share cringe factor may haunt me for some time though.

The group date today is archery and clay target shooting. It’s still on Waiheke. (I guess since they didn’t arrive by helicopter they must have caught the ferry.)

The prize of course is time with Arthur and making like the Huger Games by practising archery. The producers are probably praying for someone to go postal. The winner who had the best aim and determination won. Her focus was truly frightening.

At the cocktail party this week the ladies look particularly flash, all wearing frocks fitting like the foil on a selection of Roses chocolates. The good news is one of the contestants confirmed what I had already worked out. The cocktail party looks as boring as re-reading three week old tweets. My junk mail doesn’t even include Viagra ads anymore.

Then Arty hands out roses. OMG he’s ditching the lady that won the shooting. Well you can follow his reasoning there. It’s not ladylike and if she goes off he’s gluten free toast!

Another lady is thrown out on her arse for failing to measure up. Only a dozen left to choose from.

Deleted from the inbox and left to linger in the trash folder with all the other stuff that snook through the spam filter.


  1. Why are you watching that shit, anyway? We all know that these ‘reality’ shows are cheap, and integral to the dumbing down process. By watching them and commenting on them, you are inadvertently creating interest in this crap, which is exactly what the producers want. There are enough reviews/comments/articles on this shit in the MSM for the morons to digest, so we don’t need more of it in the alternative media. We go to the alternative media (like TDB) to escape that mindless shit.

    • Fair call….but I preceded these reviews with a serious blog framing my stance on the shows. These reveiws ( in some small way) combat the endless stream of crap that we are being assaulted with. The billboards, the advertisements on TV & radio, the interviews and (for those that partake) the ‘womens’ mags.

      I’m happy for now to continue to point out how innately damaging this show is. This show in particular is horrendous in how it enables the myth that men have the right to judge women, grade them & select from those women that measure up to some arbitrary construct. It normalises female competition and entrenches the male gaze.

      Where’s that voice in MSM? It’s not. That’s why it’s important there is a space for it on TDB.

      • Kate,

        “Where’s that voice in MSM? It’s not. That’s why it’s important there is a space for it on TDB.”

        You are on the best blog site in the country no doubt about it.

        We will always find assholes here to but brave the waves, this is a 70 yr old male talking.

        I have been the luckiest man in the world with a woman is my mate now for 43 yrs and she is a unselfish wonderful lady that I just always are thankful for meeting while overseas.

        The older English have a grit that I have undying respect for after all these years.

        It is a shit world out there so find a soul mate to relieve the daily roller-coaster that we all face with so many crap people around today.

    • Kate’s funny. So get over it! I for one enjoy these reviews immensely, wouldn’t watch reality tv of any kind even if I was paid to. perhaps I have no life?

  2. When did TDB become a television review site?

    Not only that, but a review site for crap TV no less.

  3. Thank You Kate for raising the awareness of these women’s plight so that I can openly #Boycott & Protest this heinous Patriarchy on Our TV screens & still keep abreast of the failings, (in J.Arthur’s wank bank opinion) of the “fair ladies”.

    I haven’t been able to work out if getting a rose means You stay or it is some kind of sick cunts joke given to the losing bitch as she dredges herself down the walk of shame into the endless bounds of post 15 minutes of fame and into rock bottom obscurity.

    I can however declare that My Breadmaker has brought me more pleasure than J.Arthur experiences when fiddling with himself & fantasising about cave woman, dressed in fur bikini & nice and quiet after clubbed on head.


  4. Thanks for watching this so I don’t have to.

    I do not understand people who would choose not to eat bread, or people who think that dating 20 girls at once would be a good way to find “the one,” or girls who would subject themselves to that.

    My favourite line – It’s not ladylike and if she goes off he’s gluten free toast!

    • Agree. I have never watched an episode, but find Kate’s witty analyses both stimulating and educational. Forget how rubbishy the show is. Enjoy the read and remember the old saying – out of evil can come good.

  5. DON’T WATCH!! If everyone who thinks this (these) show(s) are crap didn’t watch them, the producers would soon get the idea and maybe make something halfway worthwhile.
    I exclude this year’s XFactor (well enough of it to allow Brendon Thomas and the Vibes onto my tv screen) and for some strange reason, Project Runway (that might be Tim Gunn).
    I might give Dancing with the Stars an opportunity, just because it seems a harmless enough concept, and often the people on it get to have some sort of an epiphany, which seems to be linked to getting fitter during the show’s duration.

  6. In response to the critics please read Episode 6. I have considered your objections have reached what I consider the perfect compromise.

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