The Bitchelor Episode 2 This is Not a Feminist Love Story: One Woman’s Reflux



#DoucheDate #TheBachelorNZ #TheBitchelor

It seems like only like last night that we were subjected to the first hour and a half of The Bachelor and here we are back already. I’m so excited I could just cut my toenails and watch the varnish dry!

Last night’s absolute cliff hanger ending left us with NZs most eligible bachelor, a man who can’t find love through internet dating, Tinder or even normal social interaction, happily discarding hopefuls by the handful! Four gone already. In all fairness it reflects well on the three women that Arty ditched it. It is nothing to do with his anaconda, it’s all about the fact that they looked far too balanced to make good telly. In a totally premeditated and not at all spontaneous moment one women fell on her rose and left the building. The thing about falling on a rose is you get up smelling like flowers.

I suspected last night that the pool wouldn’t be large enough for our Paleo Prince.

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I hope tonight he talks more about diet! Don’t get me wrong, the cat / dog question that he raised last night is important. Some people might think where you stand on abortion, religion and euthanasia more revealing, but cat/ dog is up right up there. Civilisations have probably …actually just scrap that. Oh yeah, diet. I hope he talks more about diet…and cross fit! I hope he talks about his training because that would be fascinating and let’s face it, keeping us girls in shape is for guys like Arthur is no mean feat!

Tonight I’m getting confused with all the names but that’s okay. There appears to be at least ten Danielle’s and another ten Christies or Crystals. I could have got that wrong. At this point things would be easier probably for Arty and I if they just had numbers. Whatever at least we are starting to see what matters. Tonight there were dates, a single and a group date. Most of this episode was filmed in bikinis and Arthur at his absolute best. Topless and making small talk while assessing which ladies he might bless with his six pack next. Oddly many of the ladies back at the pad were also wearing bikinis, which is odd as the house they are filming in has no pool.

The pressure is mounting. One of the lovely ladies said that she was finding it hard to be herself. Maybe she should just try harder to be more spontaneous on the staged, manipulated and heavily edited environment in which she hopes to find true love, while climbing over the bodies of her new besties in stilettoes? Some of the competitors are worried they aren’t making enough of an impact. Maybe they should put themselves out there and reveal more of their insecurities faster? I mean that’s what the audience wants isn’t it? There no ratings in self-esteem and confidence.

That’s not the way to Artys heart.

I think a real asset to the show would be if he did away with the rose ceremony altogether. What Arty needs is a set of scales with an ejector button / catapult. That would be way more entertaining and efficient. The audience could still watch them cry once they landed. Actually I think that might be kinder, more human and more dignified than the current method. It would be great if he could keep eliminating them at the rate he started. Alas tonight he’s only throwing back two.

The pressure! The stress! Everything is mounting as fast as one producer can possible manufacture drama! Tonight there were tears. The first of many and most of them mine… I’m not sure if I can last the distance.


  1. I did happen to watch a bit of this before the Hunger Games Mockingjay part 1 which came out on dvd yesterday.
    The Bachelor had me falling off my chair laughing it is terrible, one girl farted on t.v on the date with Arty, and they didn’t edit that out. OMG this guy should just run away, it was embarrassing to watch more like a really silly comedy and a stupid tourism advert for Auckland and consumerism. I actually feel a bit sorry for him, he must be bored to tears listening to them all finding it so hard to live with each other and be on the show, that seemed to be the line they all said to him. Cringe factor big time! It would only take one of them to have read some psychology books to win it, they are all acting so desperate not very cool at all and a bit of a major turn off I would have thought. It’s a bit sad I actually feel a bit sorry for the guy not the girls, he seems quite nice actually, but the show has no class what so ever, it’s a joke, they did volunteer to be on this silly piss take show, I can’t feel sorry them. This has to be the end of these ridiculous reality shows they really just don’t work here. Farting on a date makes it a comedy.

  2. I couldn’t help watching The Batchelor number 2 – ‘Poppy Pops one off.’

    Arthur took Poppy to the beach and was just about to give her one (a rose), when Poppy’s bowels squeaked with the stress she had obviously been under.

    “Hm,” she quipped, “The sand is squeaky around here. But seriously Arthur, I don’t normally fart on the first date!”

    Arthur’s eyes watered. He had seen the dry sand beneath Poppy’s feet awash, like a Korsakov Helicopter had landed at the beach.

    “Would you accept this rose Poppy?”

    “Hold your nose Arthur, I need to pop another one!”

    “Wait,”, but it was too late, all the petals blew off Arthur’s rose. A brown haze filled the air. Mood lighting was on the storyboard, amber-musk-filter on the lens.

    “Let me rephrase that Poppy, would you accept this bare rose stalk, with all the petals blown off by a vile, stenchious wind?”

    “Definitely,” said Poppy.

    It was funnier than a turd in a punchbowl, especially when Poppy made it through to the next round.

    What’s next?

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