GUEST BLOG: Kate Davis – I will be the new Labour Leader!

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one-does-not-simply-lead-the-labour-party

One week after the election, while I was still waiting to be consulted about contributing to the review on what went wrong, what do you know? There is a leadership challenge. So instead of opting for a united, thoughtful and measured response, the factions have revolted; it’s a free for all, put -the-boot-in, knee jerk reaction. It just goes to show how much I know.

Damn it if there is to be a challenge let’s make it really exciting and of course relevant to the contemporary political viewer. Put them on an island, make them sing, dance and cook while they plot, plan and debate. I want to know what they are really like. How do the react when they are stressed and hangry? Let them fight to the death! The Political Hanger Games.

Since we are on the subject of employment I should mention I have problems of my own. Semester is nearly finished and I need a job. A summer job, just for a few months. I need to earn at least a living wage but will settle for just existing and table scraps. Of course if I found something I liked and they liked me I could stay on after the ninety day trial period…hey! Are you thinking what Im thinking. Well why not!

I’ve been reading the papers and watching the telly so I have a really good grip on what the public want. I know what’s valued in your modern political leader.

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I would like to announce my intention to nominate myself for the position of leader of the Labour Party. I nearly said leader of the opposition but there are already three co-leaders sharing that position and I am looking for something permanent.

Am I qualified? Are you kidding? I’m so qualified you could bet your capital gains on it. Well at least in all the areas that matter. Read on.

My name is not David, but if the unions requested a David I would be happy to change my name to David.

I am only a little bit gay, but I am not too gay. Okay, so technically I am probably heterosexual most of the time, but I have been gay for pay, and there were those times when I was drunk. Does half a dozen still count as curiosity? This means I am attractive to all. The homophobs and the hetrophobes. No special interest groups for me. Who could possibly be offended by that?

I am not too rich. I have a house but it isn’t too flash for a Labour leader and nothing Collins and Bennett can make fun out of. No ones laughing about my Massey MacMansion!
My taste in jackets is conservative and none of them cost enough to insult. Bonus!

I am not too young. I am not some thirty six year old, babe in the woods, only have spent my entire work history working in parliament overqualified whippersnapper. I’m no young gun career politician. I have had no career at all.

I am not too old. That’s right I am not going to be one of those sharp as a tack baby boomers that have years of experience to offer. I am not one of those wise old heads that have been tempered by past political storms.

I am not Maori. Damn it I’m not tangatawhenua. There isn’t anything I can do about that except apologise for it. I won’t apologise for being a woman, though I could apologise for not being a man if required. I can state unequivocally that I’m not racist. If you just take a look at my extensive sexual history you will see I’m all good there. Bet you’ve never heard Ardern say that! Don’t get me wrong. I believe in morals. I have one. I don’t sleep with married men. Anymore.

I’m not too beltway. I’m not sure what that is but it has something to do with drinking lattes. I’m a flat white. At home it’s Moccona. ( Moccona heft mere mmmmm. It’s the flash instant.)

I have 27 twitter followers which if you change into a percentage is higher than Labour. I might need David Parker to stay on and help with finance but I’m creative and I think creative accounting is welcomed in Wellington, right?

I am authentic and I mean that sincerely.

So now that we have discussed all those really important issues, the issues that we prioritise, the stuff that really counts what do you think?

 

Kate Davis is completing her B.A English & politics. Previously she has worked for the New Zealand Prostitutes Collective & currently volunteers as an advocate for Auckland Action Against Poverty.

12 COMMENTS

  1. Spot on about, lets consult about the election and find out what went wrong – oh thats 2 seconds gone, no lets have a public fight for leader so we don’t have to have any personal accountability and refection for EVERYONE’s terrible performance in the labour party.

    I am torn between bitch slapping them for their stupidity and narcissism and trying to help them work out why so many didn’t vote for them and get them hopefully back to doing their actual job which is the opposition.

  2. David Parker as finance guru!You jest of course.Nothing like an economic illiterate to solve our problems like poverty.How about a govt. guaranteed job, at a living wage, for all those willing and able to work.This would have a bigger impact on poverty and all the pathologies associated with poverty,like suicide,etc.How about reforming the taxation system,to reflect a system that does not punish the majority of working people.How about getting rid of shareholders,monopolies etc that cause our recurring economic meltdowns.In fact just get rid of crony capitalist fullstop.

    • I will consider all these things Brian but first you have to help me get elected.
      I have decided that my official title will be Dear Leader David Davis Grand Mufti of Labour.

  3. seriously here , I really like your articles and your thoughts Kate .

    what do I think ? I think the nicky Hager book and the Kim dot com stuff may have come out of left field but there they are and how come parliment people are not continuing to ask the prime minister how come he is not resigning, when he said he would .After all a prime minister is only as good as his word .there are are a lot of things that nicky hagers book brought up that need addressing and addressing now.not out of sight and out of mind.I think that world wide there have been huge demonstrations on climate change and we as as a country need to come up to speed with that one .now and not in three years time . I dont like the idea of oil drilling in the Maui Dolphins sanctuary or mining rights being granted in The Karangihaki gorge . I am for clean rivers.I am really not sure that the changes that national have made and are intending to make to the welfare system are in any ways fair and just.not on really .I dont like the idea that all my e mails are being stored some where for any tom dick and Harry to be looking at whenever they have the mind to .And after these elections I find it hard to beleive the cover story on MMP .seems to me National and Labour are still playing a first past the post game and that mind set has a lot to do with how we on the left came up all pear shape in the election .

  4. How about someone putting Nicky Hager up as Leader candidate?

    At least we would get all first hand what goes on inside parliament?

    Kate as Deputy?

    • What a great idea. Nicky Hager would be perfect! Even if he can’t make leader Labour needs Nicky Hager’s advice on strategy based on real evidence not what they read in The Herald or what Patrick Gower tells them to do.

  5. That’s the last time I try advertising for work on The Daily Blog. Nothing.
    *sigh*
    And I still only have 27 followers @kateinthebay.

  6. Hahaha, This made me Lol in the middle of class.
    Excellent fresh views. I would for sure vote for you purely because of your jacket taste.
    I would read you weekly 😉

    Gained a new twitter follower here!

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