Every time I open the news and see the words ‘prostitute’ and ‘sexual assault’, my heart breaks all over again.
I feel driven to write this blog after yesterday’s sex attacks on Christchurch prostitutes. For those of you who read this blog and think why would she talk about something so personal – I ask if not me – then who will? On International Women’s Day, someone in NZ has to open up, speak out and let survivors of these attacks know they are not alone, and they are loved.
You see – once upon a time, that was me. I was 17. Kidnapped, drugged, raped, and dumped. Not that it made it to the papers, because I was too scared to tell the police. Gang figures were involved, and those around me didn’t want me dead. Instead I went into hiding, then ran back to my home town to ‘recover’ in the best way I could – which for me meant going off the rails for a few years – even going all the way to California trying to outrun my demons. I told those close to me I had been assaulted – but not in any depth. What had happened was so horrific, so terrifying, that what I did was suppress it all, telling myself it didn’t happen – despite knowing it did – until the memories started uncontrollably flashing through my brain when I least wanted them to. I couldn’t escape them. I couldn’t stop them anymore.
I know that some readers already know how this feels and I don’t want to trigger you – so skip the rest of this paragraph if you are feeling vulnerable – but for those who don’t, try to imagine doing your everyday activities – caring for your baby, cooking tea, attending classes, working – with flashes of being pinned down and beaten, thrashing wildly while men laughed and took turns as I tried to hang on to life by concentrating on a Nazi flag pinned above the fireplace. To say it ruins your day is a gross understatement. Thank goodness for a great therapist and a lot of wonderful friends!
And now? Now I am well. 95% healed from this horrific attack. I say 95% because there are a few days every year when I still lose myself in self-hatred and rage at what I see in those moments as my own stupidity. And that’s why I am writing this blog, so I can encourage other current and ex-sex workers who have experienced sexual assault to not fall into the pit of self-hatred, that they can heal and recover, and also to remind NZ that no-one deserves rape, not even prostitutes.
Sexual assault is a risk that comes with sex work. To pretend it isn’t is an injustice towards those of us who have survived attacks related to it. It doesn’t happen to all prostitutes, but it does happen to some – and it is never, EVER our fault.
No matter how the media frames things (not too badly so far, thank you Press reporters), no matter what stupid idiots on social media, message boards and on the street say about how we had it coming for being so stupid as to be a prostitute, no matter whether your family and friends support and believe you or not, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
And I believe you. So do the NZPC, with amazing people like Catherine Healy – who supported me through another horror, and Anna Reed in Christchurch, who is supporting the survivors of this week’s attacks. Our Rape Crisis centres around the country are here for us too, and they will not judge.
You deserve to recover. You deserve healing. You deserve support. You deserve safe, real love. You deserve to be treated as the amazing human being that you are. You deserve to survive. You deserve justice. You deserve hope.
And to the people of NZ – surround our sex work attack survivors, as well as all of our other survivors of sexual assault – with love and support. We are not scum. We didn’t have this coming. We did not deserve this. We are human beings just like you. It took only a few people saying ‘what do you expect to happen when you’re putting yourself in such a dangerous position’ for me to shut down, be ashamed, tell no-one, hate myself and struggle for years with suicidal depression and PTSD. So unnecessary. So much pain and destruction because of stupid, throw-away judgemental comments people make about sex workers.
Save your judgement for the violent, rapist scum who prey on and victimise people only trying to get by in a very difficult world. Let’s open our hearts to these survivors and as a country show we care and we support them in their recovery. They really do deserve it.
Kia kaha, wahine ma.
And a PS: All of the above love, support and healing is equally deserved by male and trans sex workers in this situation.
Thanks, Rachael. Just – thanks.
Rachael san- you are a queen, a leader and a visionary (and a great writer!)
Don’t ever forget how much you are worth; today you wrote about what it is to be a strong woman.
It is not a woman in faux Chanel who channels past rulers, it is not a woman who collects shoes, jewels or property at the expense of her subjects, it is not a woman who flaunts her gains as others starve and take abuse, nor a woman who mocks and belittles her peers.
It is a woman who remembers, and points the way to hell… so that others can avoid the pathway.
It is a woman who asks why? who? where? and what does it take for the world to respect itself?
It is a woman who yells into the void, calling,
“Mallory! We honour you, babe!”
All she wanted was to buy Xmas presents.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RpvDVq-yXfc
p.s.
also there is this saying,
“for Rosy O’Grady and the Colonel’s Lady are sisters under the skin,”
http://www.araltas.com/features/grady/
which for me pretty much sums up that thing when some old tart is giving you the once over across a desk….. 🙂
arohanui
xx
Would you honestly not warn anyone, male or female, against becoming a sex worker?
Note that I would warn people against becoming forestry workers until the industry does something about its appalling safety record.
Yes, of course I would warn people of the risks of sex work.
What this refers to is the comments people made when I told them I had been assaulted. Big difference!
Fair enough. It’s mean to bring that up after the fact.
However, the comparison with forestry work is apt. Prostitution is a dangerous job, and it seems odd for people to be allowed to do it when there is such terrible risk. No person should have to put up with such risks at their job.
We can probably do something about the forestry fatalities through regulation, but it would be almost impossible to regulate street prostitution, and so I say that it should simply be banned and men attempting to pick up street prostitutes should receive a conviction.
If sex work is going to be legal, it needs to be strictly regulated in order to protect sex workers. That’s probably going to mean only licensed brothels. The Manning case appears sufficient justification of this if nothing else.
It’s not an occupational hazard, sex workers don’t have to put up with it, it’s not our fault and it’s not part of the job.
Sex work is not inherently dangerous.
Being decriminalised means that street workers don’t have to rush to jump into cars for fear of police catching them, so they have time to screen clients and say no if it seems suspect.
If clients are prosecuted, as per the Swedish model, that pushes sex workers into more discreet areas – usually with no CCTV cameras, less street lighting, more danger.
Sex workers rights organisations in Sweden tell us that violence rates against sex workers have risen sharply.
Tell me how exactly is this good for sex workers?
When sex workers are seen as regular people with regular jobs, and not expendable non-human deviants or victims who need saving, then rates of violence against us goes down.
Reducing stigma against sex work is a part of this – we don’t need to apologise for our work!
Tom – why should we advise people against doing sex work? Taxi driving is notoriously dangerous with drivers often out alone at night and possibly drunk or abusive clients, we don’t assume they should advise others not to drive a taxi!
That’s a sex worker phobic response, and it also implicitly blames the people who are victims of harassment/abuse/assault.
Would you say a taxi driver should warn others not to drive taxis so they don’t get harassed or assaulted? Then why would you tell a sex worker to warn others?
If people choose to do sex work they have every right to do it, and to have labour rights apply to them, to be able to report abuse to the authorities, to have their occupational health and safety addressed (eg NOT having councils moving them away from the CBD and into industrial areas) and to be treated with respect.
Rachael, any time anyone is sexually assaulted it is a huge tragedy and I really empathise, and admire your strength in telling your story to your readers, and sending love to the women in chch who were recently assaulted.
I hope this makes people think.
Solidarity
“Sexual assault is a risk that come with “Sex Work”
Pardon???????
I’m very sorry to inform you that “Sex Work” is NOT A LEGITIMATE JOB!!!!
It only became a “job” since it was seen as a source of TAX REVENUE.
(Which in itself is a sign of the Morally Corrupt Institution that passes for “Government” , in today’s times..)
Our civilisation has now been so totally corrupted by false values IE =commercial values that today mankind is LOST!
Sex was once a SACRED ACT.
It is the ONLY ACT that can result in procreation of our species..ie CREATE LIFE. And by virtue of that should be Sacred.
I am sorry to say that only females that have been sexually violated/abused end up as “prostitutes” today.
Which makes it all the more Sad & APPALLING that “government” would CAPITILISE on the way that they act out their dysfunction..ie by describing it as a “job”
No it isn’t. You can create human life in a petri dish. No shagging required.
wow. thats just… judgy as all hell.
so I heard a saying recently Rachel on having courage to be seen and putting themselves in the ‘arena’ that went like this:
“if you’re not in the arena, also getting your ass kicked, Im not interested in your feedback” ~Brene Brown.
thank you for your courage to share. and for the person above who said that negative comment, you’re just not even in the arena.
WOW.
Crawl back under the rock you came from.
Judgemental attitudes like this are why sex workers hide in shame.
I’m not hiding. End of story.
In times of old, in days gone by, when sex was a sacred act…..
..it was sold by sacred prostitutes in sacred temples..
Or do you mean a sacred christian act, like in The Meaning of Life? Jeebus H Christ, Monty Python could make a whole film about you and Colon.
I love the line from Jane that says ‘all she wanted was to buy Christmas presents’.
How profound! How true! How many of us (for whatever reason) are on very low incomes and feel so bloody terrible that our kids aren’t going to get a few wee presents at Christmas (for example).
How wonderful that that line speaks so much about not judging what people do but instead thinking about WHY they might do it.
It also speaks to us about changing our attitudes about the importance of material things and reminding ourselves that LOVE really is the greatest gift we can give to our kids and those close to us. 🙂
Thank you for sharing what must be truly traumatic to recount in order to show people that no-one ever deserves to be raped. Never.
As for Cassie McJudgerson up there, you really need to develop some empathy and warmth in your heart. Just because it isn’t someting you would do, doesn’t make it something evil or wrong. And it certainly is not in any shape way or form an excuse for rape.
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