Suggested candidates for new ACT leader


With the impending demise of  John Banks as ACT’s leader – the third in two years – it is time for this blogger to add his helpful suggestions for a new Party leader.

In purely alphabetical order…

Hilary Calvert



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My pick for ACT’s new leader is Hilary Calvert.

She is an accomplished business woman who even put her eyes to work

As a Southerner she would  make her region top priority as it slides further down the economic scale. Top priority would be selling the entire Otago Region to investors from Beijing and Harvard University. Menfolk would be employed in the region’s  fruit orchards at market rates for pay (60 cents an hour) and womenfolk… well, there are always vacancies at  La Maison in Dunedin.

As for children, there are plenty of chimneys needing cleaning in this southernmost of cities. It does get rather cold Down South in winter time.

Other leading contenders are,


Ayn Rand


ayn rand


The original Libertarian. Poster-person for the New Right. Original thinker. Articulate. Literate. Also dead.

But this hasn’t been an impediment to ACT in the past, as several of their previous leaders failed to exhibit usual human life-signs.

Whether dead or alive, let the Market decide ACT’s leadership.


Cameron Slater




Tenacious. Nasty. Unyielding. Afraid of no force on Earth (and reputed to have “dirt” on God). Would bring whole new meaning to the term “gutter politics”. Totally unafraid to go for the jugular and dispatch political foes before breakfast – and that’s just his own ACT colleagues.

The Speaker of the House may have to re-visit Parliamentary rules when Slater insists on machine-gunning the entire Green caucus. Does “free speech” extend to mass murder?

On the plus side, at last Parliament will have fair representation for some of  society’s minority groups who thus far have been sadly under-represented; narcissists, sociopaths, misogynists, and other social misfits.

May have to go solely for the Party vote as Slater’s candidacy may be a step (or giant leap) too far for the gentile folk of Epsom.


Supreme Dalek


Dalek sec


(See entry for Cameron Slater)

Currently a fictional character – but ACT’s contract-scientists are working on it. Expect an announcement soon.


Hannah Tamaki


hannah tamaki


Co-leader of Destiny Church. She is definitely a “lateral thinker”. When challenged on an episode of TV3’s “The Vote” that many  New Zealanders were too poor to afford heating for their homes, she advocated that families “cuddle together” under blankets to stay warm.

With cool thinking like this, she’d be a natural for ACT.

Her tendency to lead ACT’s caucus into  prayer meetings might be seen as a distraction by some – but might bring ACT and the Conservative Party closer together. (Would they worship the same deity though?) But considering that ACT is currently polling near-zero, the Party needs every bit of help it can get – even the supernatural variety.

Where does ACT stand on burnt offerings?


The Three Stooges


the three stooges



But would having three co-leaders be a step too far for a Party that eschews political correctness?

And would even the Three Stooges be able to bring some light-hearted mirth to a Party that exhibits all the fun of a crematorium at peak-time?

As always, the Market will decide.




= fs =


  1. The sheep of Epsom will vote for anyone they are instructed to vote for. You don’t get to the level of mediocrity that enables you to live in such a nice area without being obedient and amenable. Here are the most appealing prospects for ACT in Epsom….

    Kyle Chapman Positives: principled, in an ACT kind of way, and sounds just like an ACT spokesman. Downside: would possibly set fire to downtown Wellington.

    Garth “Gaga” George Positives: old and dopey, and never asks questions. Downside: would probably die after three months in office, thus necessitating a by-election.

    Kerre McIvor (née ohoWmad): Positives: enormous ego; staunch supporter of Chinese government; intolerant of dissent; doesn’t read much and knows less; very attractive to silly old men like Brian Edwards; very supportive of violent males like Tony Veitch. Downside: can be extraordinarily unpleasant, intolerant and judgmental. (Then again, this is ACT, and those are therefore further positives.)

    Alan Titford Positives: principled, brave, well spoken; sounds just like an ACT spokesman. Downside: in prison for the next 24 years, which would make him only slightly more effective than John Banks.

    Tony Veitch Positives: high profile; young; fit; enthusiastic; desperately eager to please, very much in the manner of Rodney Hide. Downsides: anathema to women, and knowing nothing about anything, including his “specialty” of sports; prone to extreme violence against women.

    • Sorry, WHAT?

      “Garth “Gaga” George – Downside: would probably die after three months in office, thus necessitating a by-election.”

      How is that a downside? I say vote him in now, and we can be dancing on his grave by the ides of March.

  2. Sorry Frank

    You need some one who is Funny, popular, and well loved. And there’s only 2 candidates for that.Messers Daffy and Donald Duck they cold be co leaders just like the Green Party.

  3. My pet tapeworm read my mind while I was reading this, telepathically spoke to me and said…
    “Pick me Pick me, I can do it”
    I hereby announce the nomination of my tapeworm for leader of the Act party. Ill miss it if it wins the nomination because I vote green and we could never be friends again after that.

        • I think they have more conscience than the protozoa leading the Act mob now though. (apologies to all good protozoa folks out there)
          Anyway I told my tapeworm he could not run for act leader and it was very upset he said “I don’t care anyway because his cousin controls John Key anyway” then it went onto say they control all of the Nats actually and they are working to control Colin Craig too but they are finding locating his brain stem a little difficult.

          ps thanks frank for a good belly laugh your post and comments have given us today!

  4. You forgot Muriel Newman! And Paula Rebstock. And Christine Rankin – surely she’d jump ship for such a juicy offer?

    Any one of them could tune up those National slackers – Bennett and Collins. Redeem them from their socialist-sliding ways.

    And they could share a tiny little compassionate heart between them. Or is that among? Whatever.

  5. The new ACT leader has been found, here bearing a striking physical resemblance to your first candidate here.

    This resemblance could come in handy

    They could take turns appearing at public events.

    Or maybe the new ACT leader could employ Hilarly Calvert as their public media spokesperson on those occasions when they need to present a more intimidating image to the press.

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