TV review: Old mugs

It started on TV One with barely ten minutes before the start of the race. No build up, just a re-run of Fair Go. Then they flashed to the studio in Auckland, and straight to the two house commentators in San Fransisco. Time was counting down… But it mis-started with a
minor drama, a postponement. That was the word they used on the RT chatter, but the two commentators never bothered to confirm this, they just prattled on.

Aussies on board Oracle were talking, plotting and working out tactics. NZ viewers are no doubt furious at this alliance with the Americans and these cunning shithouse rat Aussies would have wound up everyone with their scheming. This is priceless for viewers, as are
instructions to athletes from their coaches in any sport. The commentators at TVNZ are largely respectful of this privilege, but it is easy to find it being abused by talking over the top of them.

It starts slowly in the light mist, the sea is calm. It is actually terrifically fast, but when their top speeds are 80km/hr they call it slow, even ‘slow motion’. Amazing scenes of the city, the bay, the bridge from all angles, helicopters, on the boats, on the chase boats
– cameras everywhere and add the real-time graphics it is a glorious thing.

They are away, we win the start. Then a halyard issue on Oracle. The sail is three quarters hoisted. Sly sniggers from NZers. It’s all turning into poo pie for those dastardly cheating Yank-Ockers. Still no call on the time, how long this takes and what stage of the race we are at. More pointlessly loud screeching, sqeaking over-volumed to add some atmosphere. This goes on and on. Talk about overboard.

‘Top third of the course on the upwind…’ But what does that mean? On top of the hour is the time limit says Lestor, but no hard facts, they have ruled it out coming into play. Don’t worry about it says Tasker. So it’s going to be over by 9am? Every other sporting event has a
timer or a count-down or something, but not here. Lead is almost a kilometer says the Pom very cooly. Keep calm.

Finally Lestor, dredging up some hyperventillation, rolls out a little speech he’s no doubt rehearsed about rounding the final mark for the last time… OK, certainty. The boat follows the plotted lines on the graphics as if it were all programmed.

11 minutes on time limit says Lestor, eventually. Then he mumbles about having got it a few minutes ago… Get your shit together Lestor. Clipping along at 20 bloody knots you would think it was fine, but it’s a long way.

They reckon they don’t know on board about the limit. Tasker says it’s a weirdo day. Lestor doesn’t think NZ has time right. Comms chatter says the postponement may have something to do with it. It is as murky as the water in the bay. Both commentators now confidently, but reluctantly, say the boat won’t beat the clock. Oh what a change, from five minutes ago when it didn’t matter to explain it to the viewers. These commentators are too fixated on their pet issues and not enough on the big picture.

Final jibe, but then the announcement – abandoned over the time. A farce and a joke says Tasker. Lestor is pissed off, calling foul. Back in the studio Chris Dixon says it is a 40 minute rule. Finally someone who actually knows something. Peter Williams says that the limit was contrived for television. We all laugh, at the irony and the anti-climax, and make ourselves another cuppa.

So they are back again at 9:40. Less enthused now. A lot less. So I’ll be more concise.

Start, Oracle bit behind. NZ clip Oracle about 3 minutes in, but no penalty? Both ‘foiling’, Oracle ahead at mark 3… By… 46 secs… ‘too much to make up’ says Lestor, so he’s packed it in already.

The race hasn’t finished yet and NZ’s sense of entitlement still doesn’t seem abated. It’s just a bit annoying that we haven’t won our final victory. It’s ‘cruel’ according to Tasker. All this arrogance would be recognised as a typically American and Australian characteristic to the NZer, but they don’t seem to see it in themselves. Like today’s racing it can be rather ungraceful.