The Bitchelor Episode 16 The Batchelor Bags His Babe: One Woman’s Reflux

By   /   May 6, 2015  /   24 Comments

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It’s so shit. Every episode sending the women’s movement back another year, while we live in a culture where rape victims are blamed, teenage boys post footage of abuse online and the Prime Minister thinks touching a young woman who is being paid to serve him like a toy is just fun and games.

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IT’S THE GRAND FINAL!!! OMG! OMG! OMG!

Tonight we find out who wins!!!!!

I honestly didn’t think this day would ever come. I didn’t think I would make it. I would just like to take a moment to thank everyone who has supported me through this most trying of time. I’m not going to lie. It has been tough for me and those around me. This is a big shout out to all of those who have listened to me whine, my poor flatties who have had to endure the show being on two nights a week, but mostly I want to thank you, yes you! The faithful readers who have been sharing this traumatic ordeal with me. It has been hard for all of us. I was one more episode off a relapse. But now….it’s the final! I’m so excited I might just manage to swallow my own sick and file the dry skin off my heels.

The thing about dry cracked heels is they just aren’t sexy or ladylike. I have a tool that’s a like a giant nail file but smaller than a rasp. You couldn’t break out of jail with it.

Tonight the last two standing are off to meet the dysfunctional shit-storm that has produced Art. The two final contestants are going to allow themselves to be judged like prize ponies by the Fockers who think their precious boy should be allowed to select a mate like a randy cock. This is the stuff Freudian wet dreams are made of.
Matilda goes first, then Danni goes second. The mother asks invasive questions. The sister and father eye them up and assess their breeding potential.

The dry skin falls like snow.

Then they both went on dates where they patted and petted captured mammals, performing tricks like bar girls with ping pong balls.

I have contemplated those tools that you can buy on telly. They are like the electric shaver but they actually shave the skin off your feet. Like a Black and Decker sanding mouse. There’s something kind of creepy about them. What if you go too far? What if you file a little too much? The thing is beneath the crusty cracked skin there is a foot. While you might think what you’re doing is just cosmetic but if you go too far you will inflict real damage.

I no longer have to #WatchingThisShitSoYouDontHaveTo I have my nights back. But the question remains what damage has been done? How many young NZ women have watched this shit, surrounded by a family that are condoning this action just by the mere fact that they don’t object. It’s so shit. Every episode sending the women’s movement back another year, while we live in a culture where rape victims are blamed, teenage boys post footage of abuse online and the Prime Minister thinks touching a young woman who is being paid to serve him like a toy is just fun and games.

There are some things that shouldn’t be shared with an audience. Filing your feet is one of them. Especially if you risk it with a machine that speeds up the whole process. You might think it’s a shortcut but you may end up with a bloody stumpy bit.
I have heard plenty of women say that the women should not participate in this kind of shit. I have had many discussions about agency and the meaning of choice. More and more I question whether free choice exists. I don’t think women should participate but neither should fuckwits like Arthur Green. Men have agency and they have no excuses. As women let’s not keep giving them that power. Any man that would engage in this process is simply not worth it.

What? You want to know who won. Seriously? No one won. We all lost. I doubt if the advertisers even made on it because twelve year old girls don’t buy jewellery.
Some processes should remain private. The pain of dating and opening your heart to another shouldn’t be trivialised for entertainment.

I wish the women that chose to be involved all the best. I hope they got what they thought they would.

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24 Comments

  1. In Vino says:

    My sympathies Kate, but thanks for promoting literacy. I have seen no trailers nor any episode, but have looked forward eagerly to reading your reviews. Keep writing.

    • Russ says:

      Promoting Literacy? “So shit” – “Bestest comment”? Ummmm

      • Kate Davis says:

        Fair call! Promoting literacy was never my goal. My spelling and grammar are appalling & yes, sometimes I make up words!
        Nothing makes me happier than a nice new portmanteau!

  2. Tamara says:

    Hi Kate

    I’ve actually got one of those Velvet Touch machines and got an attachment for it to deal with my problem.

    My pussy sheds all over the couch and when I go out I look like a bag-lady. This attachment you can buy at the vet, but the instructions were in Chinese.

    I thought I’d just attach the attachment to the Velvet Touch and give it a go. The cat ran up the curtains and is now growling at me from up on the pelmet. I put the internet on and pasted the instructions into Google translate.

    It appears that the attachment is meant to remove cat hairs from furniture and clothes and NOT UNDER ANY circumstances to be used on pets. If it can make my placid 14 year old Siamese scale 8 feet of curtains, imagine what would happen if it went wrong when you were doing your feet?

    Yours sincerely

    Tamara

  3. I came, I read, I shed a tear for the dark hole that a woman would have to be in to turn herself into a public exhibit for a chance in a million at faux love? Thank fuck it is over, thank you for taking a bullet for those of us who wanted to be justified in our complaint but could not stomach anything longer than the 3 accidental seconds I saw a couple of times after Campbell Live. Long live #TheBitchelor hashtag in our collective memories. #MatriachyNow

  4. Kate Davis says:

    The FLOWBIE!!!! Don’t forget the FLOWBIE.

    • countryboy says:

      Flowbie ? What’s a Flowbie ?? You have four down – thumbs so it must be great ! Tell me more … ?

      The Bachelor is a brilliant measure . It’s a kind of base measurement against which all other ‘shows’ can be judged.
      It’s one thing to show basic, and not so basic porn . Watching people fucking is not such a big deal in my view and perhaps the worst thing one could say about porn is that it’s boring. The actors get paid etc . We all know this. What’s truly unsettling is ‘The Bachelor’ traded on human emotions. Those who watched for that particular frisson should be sent back to their home planet immediately.
      One could argue that film, for example, does that. The difference though is that we know it’s film. Fiction. The Bachelor was real. And we watched ! Ugh !

      The Bachelor had that same toe curling quality that the brilliant British original ‘The Office’ had on me . It was too ghastly to watch for long.

      Is there a tool for uncurling toes?

      • The difference between hard-core porn (sex) and soft-core porn (like “The Batchelor”) is that the former is done in the privacy (one hopes!) of our homes. The latter is broadcast far and wide and is like being caught out looking at hard-core porn by your parents/flatmates…

        • Rik says:

          It’s much better watched with a super sized tub of hot buttered popcorn, a large coke and a triple headed chocolate dipped ice cream.

  5. sleepy says:

    Kate,use the battery powered things on your heels they are safe and good.
    Saw the last 15 minutes, speeches on the beach. Two thoughts
    The lady who came second apologised to the camera when she started to cry during her post rejection soliloquy Such a typically kiwi thing to do, apologising for revealing true emotion.
    Then to the ‘winner’ I think that at that moment we saw the beginning of a relationship, recognition and relief that the competition was over and two people could now start on a journey. Relationships can start in so many ways and not all of those ways are good or ideal and this show certainly wasn’t. But none the less something real(On reflection I want to delete this word) came out of it and that something may grow or it may not.
    Yes Kate this show was shit, the premise it is based on is despicable, the messages it sends are deplorable, the women were exploited, John Key is a fuckwit who doesn’t even realise he is one, …and so on.
    I look forward to your comments on the reunion show where TV will squeeze the last drops of drama from this sorry episode.

    • LIBERTY4NZ says:

      Relationships can start in so many ways……….
      I give it three months, tops, Sleepy, because it isn’t based on anything real.

  6. Rik says:

    It’s an ok show but it belongs in another time.

  7. bad12 says:

    Battery powered machines for planing ya feet, i am behind the times, i was still coming to terms with the ramifications of such modernity when i got to Tamara’s comment,

    Was that a trap laid for young players Tamara, my poor wee brain screamed ”wo wo, way too much information” as my mind produced a vision of your pussy shedding hair all over the lounge suite,

    Having only had the misfortune of viewing the odd minute here and there of the program being discussed as i channel surf around escaping the inevitable ads on what i decreasingly do watch on that thing, i feel the producers wasted the main chance of producing a stunning climax for the show instead of yet another insipid yawn,

    What’s-his-face, Art or Fart the starring stud of tonight’s wee pantomime should have Dear Janed both Matilda and Danni and entranced stage left the new love of his life ‘John the surfing hunk’ from the Naki,(i am sure as hell certain that Micheal, Hill that is, would have positively swooned),

    Such a lack of imagination from the producers should be criminalized…

  8. Brigid says:

    Thank you Kate for your hilarious commentary. And please accept my sympathies for the damage your poor brain suffered at having to watch the damned abomination of a show. How many women auditioned for the chance to be insulted I wonder? How many men? What the fuck is wrong with this sort of person. Don’t they know they’re just being traded as meat for tv ratings? Aaarrrhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

  9. Ann Johns says:

    I have followed your version of the show, at least you are entertaining. I just couldn’t stomach actually watching it. Haven’t females been conditioned to compete over a man, for way too long now? More media brainwashing. Still, without that crap show I may never have discovered your talent, so one good thing came of it. Keep up the great work, I want to hear more from you.

  10. Rik says:

    Yeah, seems a 21st century version of a Mills and Boon novel, – unrealistic in this day and age, – I heard through the media the couple were having problems already, and may be on the verge of taking time out from eachother, because they sit around the house together too much, all the exciting activities were funded my Michael Hill anyway, – a promo for Michael Hill.

    His mum looked formidable – a granite chin. One good aspect Arthur has a hot body, gym toned and he has a very muscly back.

  11. MMD says:

    I hope your going to do a write up on the “after the final rose” tonight, I’ve really enjoyed reading these things. thank you