WHAT REALLY BAFFLES ME about the reaction to David Cunliffe’s “I’m sorry I’m a man” remark is how proud so many men are of their masculinity. It’s a mystery, because to be a man – even in a secular liberal democracy like New Zealand – is to bear an oppressive burden of unfulfilled and unfulfillable expectations. Masculinity is the badge that human cultures fasten to men’s flesh. What’s to be proud of?
Can you imagine an American slave from the Deep South circa 1860 telling the world how proud he was of his slave status? There are very few recorded instances of slaves, or former slaves, singing the praises of Dixie’s “peculiar institution”. There are, however, thousands of testimonials from freed slaves concerning the horrors attendant upon their former condition, and how wonderful it felt when their shackles were finally struck off and they became free human-beings.
Perhaps the heaviest burden men bear is the expectations of their fellow men. Masculinity, if it is to retain its power to shape men’s behaviour, must be constantly displayed and just as constantly recognised. To be acknowledged as a man you must demonstrate it unceasingly to other men.
The key concept in this regard is “prowess”.
At its most basic, prowess is about physical strength. Impressive musculature still counts for a great deal in the world of men – especially when associated with the ability to translate that strength into acts of efficient violence. That so many of the most popular movies and television series feature men in roles that celebrate this ability to deliver violence efficiently is by no means accidental.
Physical prowess is also central to civilised societies’ cultural substitute for organised violence – sport. Just think of the advertisements and promotional material featuring the All Blacks. It is difficult to imagine anything more worshipful of the raw power of the human male. Could the link between undiluted masculinity and physical prowess possibly be more explicit?
Of course only a fraction of male human-beings ever come close to matching this ideal of masculine prowess. For the skinny, the sunken-chested, the asthmatic and the obese male, life is nowhere near so much fun. Because the antonyms of prowess are incapacity, cowardice, weakness and failure. In a perfect world, men would only test their prowess against their equals. In the real world, however, things are different. The strong tend to prove their strength against the weak; the bold against the fearful; the successful against the failure.
Women aren’t the only human-beings to bear the physical and emotional scars of “proficient” men. The sort of men who beat and rape women have all-too-often learned the techniques of domination by routinely brutalising members of their own sex. You don’t have to be female to feel a chill of fear upon siting an approaching male figure, or, worse still, a pack of men, when vulnerable and alone. For a man lacking any proficiency in self-defence, the most terrifying words in the English language will always be: “What are you looking at?”
Of course we wouldn’t be the clever apes that we are if those of us lacking the physical prowess of the Alpha Males didn’t develop other ways of asserting power and control. Fists aren’t the only things that can deliver pain. A sharp tongue can inflict harm every bit as grievously.
Intellectual prowess, the ability to make other men feel foolish, shamefaced, fearful and inept, is every bit as potent in the world of men as physical prowess. Smart men also have the advantage of being able to persuade strong and weak men, alike, to assist them, follow them and do their bidding. These are the males whose resulting wealth and prestige make physical prowess superfluous. Bill Gates’ bodyguard may be quick with his fists and deadly accurate with a pistol – but he isn’t worth $32 billion.
But, once again, there’s a downside. Not everybody can be Bill Gates. For the overwhelming majority of men who struggle to pay the bills every week and who will never have “the batch, the boat and the beamer” life is just one long reminder that they belong in the losers’ queue. And in the unlikely event that they forget this central fact of their existence the advertising industry is there to flash before their eyes all the things the “winners” can expect. The big house, the designer kitchen, the flat-screen television, the late model car – the list is as never-ending as it is soul-destroying.
The truly crazy thing is that none of the above seems to turn men off masculinity. No matter how paltry their physical or intellectual endowments, they will do everything within their power to demonstrate that they, too, are men of prowess. Alpha Males in their own little troop. Even if their petty kingdom contains no more subjects than their wives and children. Behind the walls of the family home they, too, can be Dan Carter or Bill Gates. Proficient. Proud. Masculine.
And the chemistry here is toxic. Because if prowess can only be demonstrated in relation to weakness, then masculinity can only ever be recognised in acts of physical and emotional oppression. To become a “real man” one must enlarge oneself: not by making oneself a better person, but by consuming the weak and the vulnerable: by diminishing them, hurting them, beating them, raping them … killing them.
“Not all men!”, I hear you cry – and I throw that lie back in your face. Masculinity is the evil spell that patriarchy casts upon all males . The badge in all our flesh. It immobilises our humanity just as surely as the slave’s shackles – and for exactly the same reason.
If some would eat, then others must serve.
It’s not really that surprising; social conditioning is a powerful thing.
Nicely said though.
Well-explained Chris – from an angle I had not considered at length. Being narrow in commercial bias, modern media will perpetuate the problem: more All Black ads that feed off the raw emotions, with diversion from serious analysis, and if there is any it will be shown after 11pm on the least popular night.
The anti-violence ads we have had (“It’s not OK,” etc) do not always seem a solution. Asking men to ‘man up’ to be less violent is a bit like that oxymoronic joke from the 70s: “Stamp out violence!!”
The trouble is, Chris, what you have written needs to be re-read, then read again. And then dissected, discussed, analysed and explored. Because the issues you raise are so big, and so consequential, I doubt that we have the will or the ability to consider them. Much easier to react, set up a facebook page, cheer on those who support us in our shallow little responses to the important questions that are being asked of us.
@ Kingi: ” Much easier to react, set up a facebook page, cheer on those who support us in our shallow little responses to the important questions that are being asked of us.”
Of course, you could go onto said facebook page and ask the important question raised here by Chris Trotter. And persist in raising these questions, despite abuse and side-tracking from other commenters. Who knows: it’s possible that someone will eventually engage with you on the substantive issues. And when that happens, bingo! you’re embarked on a proper debate, because others will also join in.
Cloud cuckoo land? I don’t see why. Men also have brains and can think, is this not so? I’m remembering all those debates at university, in which men were so prominent. Draw them out again: I’m sure that they’re still ready and able to have their say.
I found most of that out many years ago…epitomised by the reaction to the “Real Men don’t play Rugby” bumper sticker I had put on my car while living in Christchurch. lol.
“Alpha Males in their own little troop. Even if their petty kingdom contains no more subjects than their wives and children. Behind the walls of the family home they, too, can be Dan Carter or Bill Gates. Proficient. Proud. Masculine.
And the chemistry here is toxic. Because if prowess can only be demonstrated in relation to weakness, then masculinity can only ever be recognised in acts of physical and emotional oppression.”
I’m pretty sure that the stats on – for instance – domestic violence show that it’s no respecter of social class, power or influence. The same is true of sexual violence. Men in prominent positions in society have been before the courts on such charges. I remember years ago hearing rumours about Richard Nixon, for example.
This might suggest that even men with fame and fortune are susceptible to the “home is his castle” meme, as if they themselves don’t accept society’s assessment of them.
Or maybe it suggests that violence, or the threat of it, is an inevitable concomitant of what it is to be a man. To which I guess the best response is Germaine Greer’s exhortation to women all those years ago: biology isn’t destiny. Sure, all men have the potential to be aggressive; but they’re human, so they also have big brains and can therefore exercise self-control. They don’t need to be in thrall to their biology.
Great article Chris.
Very well said.
Great post! I’ve always wondered why there aren’t more men discussing gender issues on the internet.. sadly, perhaps, because it isn’t “manly” to do so.
I would say with regard to this comment: “To be acknowledged as a man you must demonstrate it unceasingly to other men.” that gender norms aren’t just enforced by one gender on the other, or on themselves – i.e. men aren’t the only ones enforcing ‘female’ gender roles on women, or ‘male’ gender roles on other men – let’s not forget about siblings, family members, members of the older generation, teachers, etc. All of these play a role in reinforcing and perpetuating gender stereotypes.
The ‘be a man’ stereotype is often pulled out to try and shame or pressure a male into a course of action…. and this is one thing that really stood out to me in David Cunliffe’s speech. While I agree with the overall thrust of his argument, when he said that men should ‘man up’ and stop hitting women I couldn’t help but wonder if “manning up” wasn’t in fact part of the problem all along. I can’t understand, as a man myself, why a guy would want to beat their partner, other than that it must come from some dark place of frustration and impotence where they feel the only course of action is violence. For a culture where males are told from childhood that they need to ‘man up’, ‘be a real man’ and keep emotions supressed, it seems to me ‘manning up’ probably contributes to the problem in the first place.
Love your work Chis Trotter.. I think it’s also the drive to procreate that enables the Alpha Male. Females are instinctively attracted to them and sort their qualities to provide protection in primitive times. This dynamic also drives men to prove themselves and seek female attention.. Obviously technology and society have outpaced human evolution and both men and women have outdated traits that at best are redundant and at worst destructive. Never the less the traits/instincts have made this species what it’s is today and whether you male or female you need not be ashamed of it.. It’s not the fanciful patriarchy it’s the human condition…
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